Return of the Wolf Waker

[Original Broken Link Removed]

For centuries the Wolf Waker had journeyed in solitude, thousands of light-years from the lush bosom of the Wolf Planet. He was the Chrylon 4 Star System's most gifted warrior, yet his nights were spent alone, huddled in his starship upon a meager buckwheat cushion, harmonic spear at his side.

And each new dawn, as he woke from restless slumber to the blinding haze of a white-hot intergalactic sun, he would raise his face to the heavens and wonder, "Will I ever know love?" 

And so it was that one day, a beautiful she-wolf appeared to him - thousands of years his junior - with a delicate snout and coat so supple, it set the very ions of the Wolfwaker's synthetic consciousness ablaze. For seven blissful harvests she shared his buckwheat cushion and the Wolfwaker at last knew peace in his loins. 

But he knew also that his destiny lay elsewhere and that he must travel onward without her... Ever onward, a scorching pillar of fusion flame, deeper and further amongst the stars, defending the wolves against sentinent, hyper-violent robotic overlords and waking them when they slept...

Conan Reviews Video Games - Tomb Raider

In yet another edition of "Clueless Gamer", Conan reviews the new "Tomb Raider" game.

It's excellent.

Conan Reviews Video Games - Halo 4

In this edition of "Clueless Gamer", Conan reviews the new game "Halo 4". This is a bit of a special review because it's the first time that he's reviewed a game in which he voices a character.




You can watch Conan and Andy record the voices for their characters here.

Between Two Ferns - Oscar Edition

A special new two-part episode of "Between Two Ferns" focuses on Oscar nominees.

Part 1:


Part 2:

Downton Sixbey Is Back

Downton Sixbey is back with all new episodes. Carson Daily had yet another hot air balloon accident and the family must scramble to find an heir.

Super Bowl: Steelers vs. Magnolias

Of course I have an ongoing project to boycott the Super Bowl as long as I don't have a rooting interest (Pre-2011, 2011, 2012). This year, the theme I chose was "chick flicks". But which ones? I tried to think of the two most prominent "chick flicks" of all-time. I debated and discussed it at length with others - and thanks to everyone who contributed! My conclusion, controversial as it may be, was that the two movies at the very top of the list must be "Steel Magnolias" and "Beaches".

That was my decision. Then I called an audible... the third series of "Downton Abbey" and the new episode was airing opposite the Super Bowl anyway so "Beaches" was scrapped. "Downton Abbey" is a fantastic show but as much as I love it, it certainly qualifies for the "feminine" moniker. I feel no shame. As long as John Bates and Anna Smith end up together, everything will be just fine. Also, I hope Lady Edith Crawley finds someone - she's been so unlucky in love! Poor, poor, Lady Edith...

Alright....

Steel Magnolias (1989)

"Steel Magnolias" is about a group of women. These women love each other. They're there for each other - in good times and bad. They gossip, discuss clothes, do their hair and vent about their relationships. In this world, Men do exist - but only barely. Men are a net evil on the world but only marginally... and these women, supporting each other as they are, can persevere past these problems.  Separately, life might be impossible... but together, they know they can make it through. I know everything with them is going to be A-OK... and, oh yeah, the script calls for just one more thing.... BRING ON THE TERMINAL ILLNESS!!!

Given that I've still never seen "Beaches" or "The Lake House", seeing and enjoying "Steel Magnolias" in the theater is my greatest "chick flick cred" achievement. If I listen to the conventional wisdom of society, I shouldn't really enjoy it. But, watching it again, I still really like it. I like dramas where the plot is completely character-driven. I like dramas that follow the characters over a period of many years - showing the full spectrum of life experiences. And the dialogue is real and smartly written. The Lifetime "melodrama" (such as it is) only comprises a small percentage of the movie - most of it is large portions of southern fried comedy - but even so, it is touching. The acting (Shirley MacLaine, Olympia Dukakis, Sally Field, Julia Roberts, Dolly Parton) is absolutely top-notch.

One of the few male actors in the movie is Tom Skerritt who has the unhappy task of informing "the ladies" that Goose died. That guy can't catch a break.

Overall, a really, genuinely good movie. Not earth-shattering, of course, but better than most.

Better Than "The Notebook" / 10.

The Super Bell

I was talking to a friend and we got onto the topic of local tourist traps. We've lived in the same area all of our lives but still not seen the local sites that people MUST see. So we made a day of it, today.

Eastern State Penitentiary

Built in 1829, Eastern State Penitentiary is the first prison built in the United States and the prison that became the model for all prisons afterward. It revolutionized the penal system. For a year, it housed Al Capone. There were also several escapes although only one person evaded recapture. It was closed in 1971 and fallen into disrepair so it has the whole "rotting concrete and rusted iron bar / haunted mansion" thing going on.

Now, this is not my kind of thing. It was a compromise because the other guy wanted to see it. But I will say that I was pleasantly surprised how interesting it was. It was much more historical and educational and much less about general creepiness than I was expecting. It turns out it isn't a horror show, it was actually quite a revolutionary and enlightened way of treating criminals.

Here's the downside: it's 20 degrees out, the tour is an hour long and the prison isn't heated. Yikes.

Independence Hall

Independence Hall should need no introduction. It's the home of the Continental Congress, it's where the Declaration of Independence was signed, it's where the United States Constitution was ratified.

Now this is my kind of place. It speaks for itself. I love this stuff. The tour only lasted 20-30 minutes but about 15 minutes in, I saw people pulling out the cell phones to check facebook. That bothered me. If you don't want to be here, don't be.

The Liberty Bell

The Liberty Bell (according to legend but not actually) rang out and cracked when the Declaration of Independence was approved.

I'm kind of torn on the bell (much like the bell itself). It's a tremendous and iconic symbol but it's only a symbol. Seeing the bell is just seeing a bell. Still, it's the kind of thing I can cross off the list.

Here's the interesting thing about the bell that never occurred to me until today. The bell was cast to have Leviticus 25:10 written on it: "Proclaim LIBERTY throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof." That's where the name comes from, what's so interesting about that? The interesting thing is that it was cast in 1751 - way before the colonies had any thought about declaring independence. So why was it ordered to have that verse? No one knows. Not bad, huh?

Miscellaneous

In the same area as Independence Hall is Congress Hall. Congress Hall is the site of the first Congress. On the first floor is where the original House of Representatives met. The second floor was the first Senate.

Close by is the birthplace of Edgar Allen Poe. We skipped that. Also not far away is the Betsy Ross house. We skipped that too. We did drive past the birthplace of Larry Fine (of Three Stooges fame).

The day ended with a trip for cheesesteaks from Pat's and Geno's. Buying a cheesesteak from one of these places is something everyone's supposed to do. It's not just hype that the cheesesteak was invented at Pat's (there is a sign) but it's hype that they're better than other places. If you ask me, they're about the same.

The Super Bowl

The day of this trip happened to coincide with the day of the Super Bowl. I thought that might play to our advantage and perhaps there would be no lines or waiting. I was incorrect. It should have been obvious that the set of people who are interested in the Super Bowl does not intersect much with the set of people who are tourists. It wasn't terrible though.

Conan and Andy Dub Chinese

Conan and Andy visit the sound studio to dub the English translation of a Chinese television show.

The show is called "Return of the Pearl Princess" and I think Conan and Andy really improve the experience for the American audience.

Conan - Oprah's Lance Interview

Conan has the highlights of Oprah's Lance Armstrong interview and it looks like things got a little tense.

Movie Review: Russian Ark (2002)

Russian Ark (2002)

Alfred Hitchcocks' classic "Rope" was famously made to look like it was shot in one continuous take. The actors would do long sequences of 6 minutes, or sometimes 10 minutes each, where, if anything went wrong, the whole thing had to be redone. By beginning and ending these sequences by focusing on static objects (and some other tricks) the long sequences could be edited together to appear to be one continuous shot. Hitchcock was limited by the maximum amount of film a camera could hold.

Alexander Sorkurov, armed with new digital camera technology, created "Russian Ark" - a 90 minute film - entirely contained within one continuous shot. With a cast of literally hundreds (perhaps a thousand or more) extras, the movie took six months of rehearsal in order to film the entire movie in one day. And given that that day in Russia only allows 4 hours of sunlight, and given that the movie is an hour and a half, they had only a few chances to get everything right.

We view the movie through the eyes of a Russian man (who is probably dead or perhaps dreaming) who finds and speaks to another man, a Frenchman, in the same situation. From the visual point of view of the Russian, we float through a palace and examine the world of the Russian aristocracy - we barge into diplomatic ceremonies, we glide through extravagant balls and drop in on masquerade parties. Most of the world we see is from the Tsarist Russia period but characters from all of Russia's history inhabit the same spaces.

The movie is avante-garde, mostly plotless and mostly characterless. Nothing is certain and nothing is explained. It's obviously not going to be most people's cup of tea. But it is also looks absolutely beautiful and the movement of the camera with the first-person point of view creates a dreamlike sensation. And, let's face it, part of the enjoyment is the appreciation of how it was done - it's about the spectacle and the feat of making something we've never seen before.

6/10.

Movie Review: The Emperor's Naked Army Marches On

The Emperor's Naked Army Marches On (1987)

"You had your way and I had mine. We can't be born together and die together."
"But we all have something in common. We did something terrible."

Kenzo Okuzaki fought for the Japanese in World War II in New Guinea. Even though he survived the war, he found he could not escape it. He decided to devote his life to shouting the truth about the war from the rooftops in order to prevent anything like that from happening again. Early on in the movie we see him driving around in a truck covered in giant billboards that denounce the Emperor, see him being hassled by the police and hear him talk about past arrests without shame.

In this Japanese documentary, we watch Okuzaki investigate the deaths of two of the men who served in his unit. Okuzaki believes they were sentenced to death by their superiors and then executed but the details are unclear. Throughout the film, he shows up unannounced at the homes of the former soldiers and confronts them on camera. One by one details emerge but, like a real life "Rashomon", all perspectives conflict. Were they killed before the war ended or after (when such an execution would be murder)? One says they tried to desert, another says he wasn't there, another says that yes he was. One says the execution was ordered, another says the captain was acting on his own.

When Okuzaki feels the interviewee is not telling the truth, he sometimes gets violent. Not very common to see in a documentary. He brings the surviving relatives of the victims along to increase the pressure to tell the truth. But when the relatives no longer want to participate, he hires actors to play them.

One of the dead soldiers relatives believes her brother was killed in order to be eaten. And that isn't even the most shocking thing that happens.

This is an astounding look at buried pasts, the horrors of war and people's ability to ignore guilt. I can't believe I've lived this long without ever even hearing about this movie. This is a must-see documentary with scene after scene of mind-blowing revelations. More than most other documentaries, it is proof that truth is truly stranger than fiction.

8/10.

Late Night - Bill Cosby Returns

I've talked about how great Bill Cosby is on Late Night. I won't repeat myself. He was great again, here's the strongest segment:

Part 1:

Part 2:

Worlds Collide : MST3K and Late Night

LEAVE THE BRONX.

I was drifting off to sleep listening to the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode "Escape 2000" when I thought I heard an unlikely name.

I rewound to the same moment. Clear as day, Tom Servo says, "Steve Higgins". Here's what it looks like:

Watch the moment here.

LEAVE THE BRONX.

Steve Higgins - in addition to being a long-time and current writer on "Saturday Night Live" - is the announcer and sidekick for "Late Night" with Jimmy Fallon. Here's what he looks like today:

The writers of MST3K are the kings of the obscure reference but, even so, I had to wonder how they know of him. Turns out that at the same time that MST3K was starting out on Comedy Central, Steve Higgins was a writer/performer on the Comedy Central show "Higgins Boys and Gruber" which Joel Hodgson was involved with as well.

LEAVE THE BRONX.

IMDB 250 - 3 Idiots (2009)

3 Idiots (2009)

In this Indian film, three college students go on a series of misadventures but are opposed at every turn by the crusty dean who rules with an iron fist.

This movie is awful. If you took "Animal House" and took out everything about it that's good, it would be this movie. "Saved by the Bell" was more self-aware and nuanced. "Lizzy McGuire" was more subtle in its approach to humor. Most cartoons are more smartly written.

Speaking of cartoons, this movie wisely punctuates jokes with cartoon sound effects. Did someone drop their pants? SPROING! The stodgy dean of the college has slightly crossed eyes, a comical under-bite and speaks with a lisp. In case they haven't beat you over the head with the stupid humor enough, the director's overlayed it with loud, overbearing circus music to jam that message into your skull with a jackhammer. You know that Bollywood tradition of always having musical numbers in non-musical movies? They didn't forgo that particular custom. The music and dance sequences are so bad that even cast members of "Glee" would be embarrassed.

OK, so all that amounts to a bad movie. So what? Here's the part that put me over the edge.... it's 3 hours long. Someone somewhere actually thought this dumbed-down frat boy mess needed the David Lean treatment. I don't know how or why this movie got into the IMDB 250, but I don't want to know. I just sat through 3 hours of this tripe and I'm finally done with it.

3/10.
Total Top "250" Movies Seen: 367.

Movie Review: Love

Love (2011)

A lone man in an orbiting space station finds that communications from Earth have stopped. Without human contact, living in complete isolation, he slowly loses touch with reality.

This is very much in the vein of "Moon", "Solaris" (1972), "2001", etc. It's exploration of man's outermost space set against exploration of man's innermost space (the mind). It's a great "genre" in part because these are the two places where absolutely anything is possible. When the protagonist sees a future version of themself or dances with points of light, it can remain perfectly ambiguous to the viewer as to whether it's real or imaginary.

Filmed on an absolutely minimal budget, "Love" was made for about $500,000. Writer/Director William Eubank basically built a space station in his parents' back yard and filmed a single actor inside it. The amazing thing is how great it ends up looking and how well the small budget is concealed.

Mainly "Love" is about isolation (another thing it has in common with some of the above movies). From "Robinson Crusoe" to "Cast Away", it's a theme that's long held a great deal of fascination. But the title isn't ironic. One of the ways to see how central love is to humanity is to observe the effect on an individual when love is completely absent.

Like "Solaris", you should go into this movie only if you're in the mood for a slow pace. The number one criticism I've seen of this movie is that "it's boring" because "nothing happens". But it's a movie that explores total isolation. That's what it's like.

7/10.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Preston and Steve - Rantlers




Dave Matthews Band on Late Night - Christmas Song




Darlene Love on Letterman - Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)

Christmas Sweaters: A Look Back

Every year Late Night counts down the days 'til Christmas with its very own Advent Calendar: "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters".  Every day they give away a different ornate Christmas sweater.

In this last installment they take a look back at what a long, strange trip it's been.

There's a secondary reason I'm posting this. Wait for it.

Who's On First #2

Jimmy Fallon revives the classic "Who's on First" routine with some special guests. What can I say, it's an instant classic.




You can tell I Don't Know isn't happy with his ovation. He's thinking how important timing is in comedy.

TGYWYHSACWAAP #2

The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With At a Party is back for another "commentary". Obviously Seth still has some growing up to do.

True Facts of Truth

Yesterday Jimmy Fallon unveiled a new segment with Ewan McGregor called "True Facts of Truth".

It appears to be a British service to compete with the Japanese in general weirdness while disseminating fascinating bits of trivia.

IMDB 250 8.5 - The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Of course everyone's already seen this movie so this is all a bit pointless. Everyone agrees it's a good movie so I'll be focusing more on the negative to make it more interesting.

Bi-Villainy

I've always felt that the "Dark Knight" tradition of having two villains per movie is a bad thing. In the first one, the Scarecrow added nothing to the movie - they should have focused completely on Ja Rule.

The second one is much worse. You've got Keith Ledger as the Joker. Every second devoted to Harvey Dent is a waste of everyone's time. He's half good, he's half bad, he's all I don't care. Of course, Ledger's performance is so great, even the scenes focusing on Batman suffer by comparison.

In the Dark Knight Rises, the extra villain is Anne Hathaway's Catwoman. Even though this is the most acceptable instance of the three, at almost 3 hours long, it could have easily been omitted.

Bane

I don't know anything about comic books but it seems to me that in the great pantheon of Batman villains, Bane is quite far down the list. Ok, maybe the Riddler doesn't fit the tone. And, hey, maybe the Penguin is on vacation. But how many rungs down the baddy ladder do you have to go down before you reach Bane.

That aside, does it work in the movie? Kinda. I mean, Bane is a good villain in theory but the voice is ridiculous. Every time he opens his exhaust vent it's like a Batman villain parody. I was trying to nail down what his voice reminds me of and the closest I could come is it's something like Dr. Evil meets Yoda. But then when he's making his sweeping pronouncements to the citizens of Gotham I kept having flashbacks of Theodore Roosevelt. You can't expect me to root against Teddy!

Speaking of speeches. There's one scene where Bane addresses a stadium of people over the PA system. I can't imagine they strived for accuracy in this scene. If you truly combined Bane's own distortion with that of a public address system in a stadium, it would sound like he was taking your McDonald's drive-thru order (McBane?). It wouldn't work. He'd have control of a nuclear bomb but no one to tell it to. In all the years I've watched the Peanuts specials, I never assumed Charlie Brown's mom was threatening nuclear holocaust.

Conclusion

Obviously, "The Dark Knight Rises" is a good movie. Its special effects are phenomenal, great acting, great direction, great writing. Michael Caine gives a particularly strong performance as Alfred. From an IMDB 250 perspective it seems pretty overrated, but it is well worth seeing.

7/10.
Total Top "250" Movies Seen: 366.

Monday-To-Friday Saturday Night Live!

The BET show "What Up With That?" is back with a whole new episode.


-- Spoilers --

The big thing, for me, was the appearance of Jackie Rogers Jr. I'm sure the audience doesn't know who that is, but "Jackie Rogers Jr's $100,000 Jackpot Wad" is an overlooked classic sketch. When Martin Short appeared on Late Night this week, The Roots played the "Jackie Rogers Jr." theme as his walk-on music.

But the big thing, for everyone else, is the fact that Samuel L. Jackson cursed on network television. It's muted on the internet clip, but you can see him say the F word. Then, off-camera he says "Some bull----!" causing Keenan Thompson to reply, "Come on now. That costs money". And, yes, in the live broadcast those words definitely did go out.

I gotta wonder what he's thinking. There's a script and he only would have one line so it's obviously blatant (as opposed to just a flub). And he has to know it's being broadcast live because that's right there IN the title of the show... I'd be surprised if he's not banned from the show because... well... that's going to cost money.

The Wheel of Carpet Samples Rolls On

It's old, it's coasting a bit now but it's still good... The Wheel of Carpet Samples... HOLIDAY EDITION!

Nothing says, "Merry Christmas" to me more than The Wheel of Carpet Samples.



I still get chills every time they announce the Mystery Sample.

Drinkinstein

I'd like to think that my blog can, in some ways, be educational. And so it's extremely tempting to explain the following clip and place it in the proper context. But I will resist that temptation.

Great art stands on its own terms. It should be presented to the viewer unfiltered. It stands above any ability of mine to add or detract.

The observer comes to each piece with their own set of views and experiences, and great art simultaneously reflects and transcends those views and those experiences. The back and forth between the viewer supplying their input and the piece feeding back its own interpretation forms the intimate relationship between the observer and the observed. What kind of a person would I be to try to insert myself into such a relationship?

And so, without further ado, I present to you "Drinkinstein":

IMDB 250 8.4 - In the Name of the Father (1993)

In the Name of the Father (1993)

It is the seventies. MAN, is it the seventies, man. This movie is determined to establish THE HELL out of the fact that it is, indeed, the seventies - by any means necessary. In Ireland, the IRA is waging a war against the British government through riots and bombings. Gerard Conlon (Daniel Day-Lewis) is a, sort of, hippy drifter with little allegiance to either side. But after the bombing of two pub in England, he finds himself and his friends and family accused of creating and planting the bombs.

Under pressure from the government, the police suppress inconvenient evidence and obtain confessions through psychological torture. Several people including Gerard Conlon and his dad are sentenced to rot in prison for years until the case builds that the convictions should be appealed.

Based on a true story, this movie is part courtroom drama, part prison movie and part other courtroom drama. And when Gerard and his dad go to the same prison - even becoming cellmates - it adds a father-son plot-line.

Daniel Day-Lewis is (obviously) extremely good and the script has the gravity of a true story but there's something missing. Every single element of the movie is something we've already seen before in other movies. The police are corrupt baddies, the trial is a mockery of justice, life in prison is cruel and the lawyer who wants the case reopened sure is full of pluck and moxy.

It's a horrible injustice that really happened, and in modern times but, as cinema, it's a real problem when every aspect of a movie is a movie cliche. Drama turns to melodrama and its heavy-handedness in drawing out outrage from the viewer sometimes feels like a Lifetime movie of the week.


5/10.
Total Top "250" Movies Seen: 365.

Nutria Fallout

"The best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry."

-- Begin Transmission --

Day 52 since The Event and supplies are wearing thin. Today I thought I saw a mouse in my house. I scoured the entire structure and found no entry points or traces of activity. I must now face two possible realities: 1) I have a mouse in my house to threaten my already dwindling supplies. 2) I've begun to hallucinate. Neither possibility is particularly encouraging. I will continue to monitor the situation if I continue to survive.

-- End Transmission --

-- Begin Transmission --

Day 53 since The Event. No activity around the mouse traps and no sign otherwise. Could it really be a hallucination? Thought about running the radio for one minute. Reconsidered.

-- End Transmission --

-- Begin Transmission

Day 54 since The Event. I definitely have a mouse. I woke up in the middle of the night to a decidedly metallic sound - like a spoon on a bowl. In the morning I checked my dishes and found mouse droppings in my drinking cup. The mouse defecated inside the cup from which I drink. It's not just a definitive sign that what I saw was real, he's sent a message. Thought about throwing away my paper towel roll telescope. Thought I might need it later.

-- End Transmission --

-- Begin Transmission --

Day 55 since The Event. Cleaned all dishes, counters and put away all trash. Eliminated all possible food sources for the mouse intruder. Checked my mouse traps. The bait had been eaten and the trap hadn't sprung. I replaced the bait. I'm basically feeding it as a pet at this point. Worse, I may be in a bad cartoon.

-- End Transmission --

Serious Jibber-Jabber - Judd Apatow

It's the second edition of "Serious Jibber-Jabber". At 70 minutes long, it's quite a commitment. But if you have any interest in the process of creating comedy or film-making, it's very interesting.

Conan Reviews Video Games - Hitman

In the latest installment of "Clueless Gamer", Conan reviews the yet-to-be-released "Hitman : Absolution". It's probably the most fun he's had with any game. He is also very tidy.

Gilligan's Island - Rescue From Gilligan's Island

Rescue From Gilligan's Island (1978)

Intro

After the cancellation of the series, four made-for-TV "Gilligan's Island" specials were made. "Rescue From Gilligan's Island" is the first and most remembered. If you've ever heard rumors of "the episode where they finally get off the island", this is that show. It's part of kid lore... like the one episode of "Tom and Jerry" where Tom finally catches Jerry and eats him. It aired 11 years after the "Gilligan's Island" had been cancelled and achieved huge ratings success.

The Production

First off, they don't use a laugh track. Have you ever watched Gilligan's Island and not heard constant artificial laughter? It is weird. When people make a bad joke, and two seconds of silence follow the bad joke, it underscores the fact that it was a bad joke. Watching "Gilligan's Island" without a laugh track is like watching a football game without crowd noise. It makes no sense. It's unclear how it happened and who made that decision but it's a huge mistake.

Secondly, Tina Louise (the original Ginger) refused to be involved so, in this movie, Ginger isn't really Ginger. On the one hand, Ginger isn't the most the most important character in the world so it's not earth-shattering... but the new Ginger's acting/impression is pretty bad and does affect the show. You know what I think happened? I think when they were casting the part of Ginger, they based it on looks and not acting ability. Outrageous.

Ginger II.

Finally, something's happening with Gilligan's hair. It's kind of frightening. He's 43 years old and he's got super jet-black hair and it's cur in that weird hair-that's-short-and-long-at-the-same-time kind of thing. Is it a wig? Is it a toupé? Is it a dye job? Extensions? Who knows. Somehow, even when you're completely cut off from civilization for decades you can still have a look that's completely steeped in the fashion of the time. In academic circles they call that "Spontaneous Style Synchronicity". It is rare, but it happens. Weird, awful 70's-ness: Elvis, Roy Orbison, Luke Skywalker..... Gilligan.

How They Get Off The Island

As the movie opens, the Skipper is unable to sleep because Gilligan is snoring so loudly. Gilligan's snoring has been a problem for 15 years and the Skipper is still sleeping within a two foot radius of the blast zone. They can't solve this problem? It is early foreshadowing of how this thing is going to go intelligence-wise.

But meanwhile in Communist Russia (for real)... a Russian spy satellite is malfunctioning and the Russians are forced to shoot it down in order to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands. One of exploded remnants lands on the island and Gilligan takes it to the Professor for careful examination.

The Professor finds it to be "some strange alloy [he's] never seen before" but, with it, he can finally make an "honest-to-goodness" barometer. Having done so, he finds that a storm of catastrophic proportions is headed to the island - a storm of such huge proportions that it will wipe them all out unless they create a raft and ride the storm.

We're barely 5 minutes into the movie and already the questions are piling up. If the Professor doesn't recognize the alloy how does he know how it can be used as a barometer? How is it going to be exact - you can't calibrate it against anything? Why do you need a more accurate instrument for a more severe storm? An empty bus won't kill you any less than a full bus. I understand none of this. Sometimes "Gilligan's Island" works in mysterious ways.

BUT THE PLAN WORKS.... and the storm is so forceful it pushes their raft into shipping lanes where they may be spotted by passing ships. After a brief run-in with a shark (set to circus music, of course) and a small boat fire (Gilligan!), they are found by the Coast Guard and  towed back to civilization. This is the moment. This is what every Gilligan's Island fan has been waiting for for so long and it's amazing.

Life Off the Island

They're celebrated as heroes but pretty soon the joyfulness is over. They each go their separate ways and, back in society, they each find that life off the island is not as happy and carefree as they had dreamt. In true "Gilligan's Island" fashion, each character is given their own specific set of problems:

• The Skipper can't buy a new boat (hey guy who spent 15 years on a deserted island, I have some advice: Don't Go On Boats.) because he can't prove to the insurance company that he was faultless in the original wreck. "It's not like back on the island where we all trusted each other;" Skipper opines, "we're back in civilization - dog eat dog!"
• Ginger finds that the movie business has changed. The movies of today are filled with profanity and sexuality and she wants no part of this new Hollywood. The nerve of these Hollywood producers considering Ginger to be a sex object! That is not cool. I fully echo Ginger's outrage and I commend this movie for its stinging indictment on the morays of contemporary society. The character of Ginger is based on Marilyn Monroe so it all makes sense if you think about it.
• The Professor finds that young college-age girls of his university find him totally irresistible. Not only that, but their constant, romantic advances are interrupting his important experiments! It is rough! 

Pictured: The Professor's Personal Hell.

• The Howells find - during the extravagant meals in their giant, palatial dining room - that their friends look down on them for associating with "commoners" like Gilligan and the Skipper. Not really that much of a "problem" if you ask me, but then, I don't expect the Howell's problems to be actual problems.
• Mary Anne finds that her boyfriend (who waited faithfully over all these years for her to return) now expects a wedding. She doesn't love him but doesn't have the heart to break it off. Now this is an actual quandary. Fortunately, the Skipper discovers that this problem falls into the very narrow subset of problems known as "Problems that can be solved with a tractor." Bet you didn't think of that.

"OOOHHH, I get it!" I hear you say, "They're going to find that, after all these years of wishing they were back, the grass isn't greener - that things were actually better on the island, and now they'll all want to go back... 'Lost' style." Ah, nothing gets past you.

NO. In the end, they still choose civilization (even with all its problems) over life on an island. You see, these subplots weren't leading anywhere. They mean nothing and you were a fool to suspect otherwise. There's no logic to it, it's just a bunch of stuff that happens - and it kills valuable network time, see.

How They End Up Back on the Island

The Prime Directive of "Gilligan's Island" Law (Section 1.1.2 Bravo) states that at the end of each episode, the castaways must, somehow, remain stranded on the island. Originally, this was because the people who made the show wanted to keep their jobs. But in a one-off made-for-TV movie scenario, the shackles are off and they can end it however they want. If they still insist on keeping them on the island, it probably means that the makers of this show enjoy pain and suffering....

To celebrate their happy return to civilization, the former-castaways decide to reunite "the gang" for a commemorative Hawaiian cruise on the Skipper's new boat.

Feel free to read that sentence again.... and as slowly as you wish. Let it sink in. It was the worst decision of their collective lives, they wasted 15 years on a deserted island, and they want to get the whole gang back together again, step on a boat and recreate the exact conditions which originally caused the worst thing that ever happened to them ever. I mean, what could possibly go wrong, right?

It's Sailin' Weather!

Question: Do you suppose the Skipper EVER listens to the weather forecast? I really don't think he understands how important weather is to nautical safety.

Gilligan's Intelligence Hits a New Low

Even if the Skipper knew the first thing about maritime .... anything, the Minnow would still be lost. At all times, the crew maintained multiple redundant systems of idiocy in order to guarantee consistent and total disaster.

As they're well into their second ill-fated cruise, Gilligan reveals that before they set sail, he took the initiative to "clean" the compass. "Clean" the compass? Yeah. What does that mean? Well, there was a little piece of metal in there (aka: the magnet) that he dug out and threw away because it was clearly unnecessary. He's a 50-year-old sailor and he still doesn't know what a compass is. It's actually worse than that. Just not understanding the compass wouldn't really be a problem. But what level of braindeadedness do you have to reach to open one up and start changing things up. I don't want to think about it.

The Greatest Punchline Ever

At one point in the movie, Mr. Howell is entertaining some rich guests in his lavish home. The movie cuts to him, already mid-joke as he exclaims, "So I said - mind you, this is the funny part - you can't park it here!!!" And then everyone laughs and laughs.

This line now joins "No, but that's a real nice ski mask." as an obviously EPIC punchline with no corresponding joke.

The Skipper's a Creep

Whilst on the raft and finally headed back to the mainland, the castaways have a discussion about what they're looking forward to most. The Skipper is remaining suspiciously silent.

The Professor: Skipper, I bet I know what you're thinking about.

[The Skipper Chuckles Creepily For A Long Time And It Gets Weird.]

The Professor: That's what I thought. You've got about 15 minutes before you relieve Gilligan on watch.

The Skipper: Thanks, Professor. That's just enough time for me to go through my list of girlfriends again.

 "List of girlfriends"? When did the Skipper become such a stud that he has a list of girlfriends? And for that matter, when did the Skipper discover girls? This was never part of his character in the series. It doesn't make sense. Why introduce this character trait now that he's a stone's throw from social security benefits? He's looking forward to seeing women again, yeah? THERE WERE WOMEN ON THE ISLAND! And you did NOTHING. You twiddled your thumbs and slept beneath another man (who snored loudly). You LOSE.

And it's not an isolated exchange. Once they get back, they're surprised to hear all the things that have changed while they were away. The president is different, the lingo is different, the clothing is different. Quoth the Professor: "Yes, it seems everything has changed." Suddenly, an attractive woman, dressed only in a bikini, waves suggestively to the Skipper whilst (what can only be described as) "porn music" plays. The Skipper: "I'm certainly glad that some things haven't changed."

Pictured: What Women Want.

Creepy. Old. Man. Who decided the Skipper should be a ladies' man? Which writer's brain synapses fired that connection? He's a stud? He's an overweight, white-haired senior citizen with a sailing cap. Oh, have I got your attention, ladies? How about I sweeten the deal. What if I said he has anger management issues and a history of physical abuse? Ladies, one at a time, please!

Conclusion

"Rescue From Gilligan's Island" was actually the first of its kind. It's the first ever TV show reunion. No one had ever reunited the cast members of a cancelled show for a television special and it was such an enormous success (ever heard of a 54 share?) that it inspired executives to do it for countless other shows - a trend that continues today.

As a fan of the original series, it's nice to see them finally get off the island but all of that good will is squandered when they end up coming back to it. I'm pretty sure the folks who made this movie hate freedom. In addition, it seems that they take the already innocent and naive characters of the original series and knock an average of 50 points off each of their I.Q.s. I won't even tell you where Gilligan ends up at the end of that calculation - let's just say that his isolation in the Pacific makes America safer. It also doesn't help our perception of them that there are no canned laughs; where we might have laughed at stupidity, we are left only to despair. Yes, addition to the "Gilligan's Island" franchise is far from perfect but unfortunately, as we shall see, it only gets worse.

TGYWYHSACWAAP

Another highlight from this week's SNL was a conversation with The "Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party". In fact, I kind of do wish I had started a conversation with her at a party.



Can I sing a Negro Spiritual real quick?

Louie / Lincoln

Louis CK was the guest host on Saturday Night Live yesterday. He did a phenomenal parody of his show as Abraham Lincoln. If you're not familiar with the show "Louie" this won't make a lot of sense but it's great.

Conan Goes Halloween Shopping

Ex-Talk Show Host visited a Halloween shop and here is the result:


If the "Ex-Talk Show Host" mask is familiar to you, he pointed it out last year as well.

Who Cares Wins - Halloween Edition

Jimmy Fallon continues to find old video tapes he made for Video Vision back in the 80's. As it's so close to Halloween, Jimmy shares the Halloween video.

Late Night, Late Show - Hurricane Sandy

Both the "Late Show" with David Letterman and "Late Night" with Jimmy Fallon broadcast out of New York and both decided to go through with shows on the day of Hurricane Sandy. Both were taped WITHOUT a live studio audience and both make for interesting viewing.

Watch the Full Episode of the Late Show here.
Watch the Full Episode of Late Night here.

The Jimmy Fallon show was interesting because it's such a novelty to see the show with no audience. It's odd to hear certain cues and events happen and followed by only silence. What is old is new again. Here, Jimmy Fallon starts out with one audience member, the Mets Bucket Hat Guy, and is left with no one.



Letterman's a completely different story. The funny thing about not having the audience is how good he is at handling it. It's like a classic broadcast from the days of radio with him hosting. I'll tell you exactly what it's like - it's like, for one show, it went back twenty years to the "Late Night" days. And that's the best thing to happen in a long time. Here's the low-tech Top Ten List:



I honestly think in each case that not having an audience improves the show. Seriously.

Conan Gets Spray Tan, Cornrows

As mentioned previously, Conan visits a spray tanner, gets a spray tan and gets cornrows put in.

Similar but not as good as when Conan visited a Beauty School. Or a Day Spa.

Triumph at the Debate

Before you hit play, allow me to warn you about what you're about to see. Conan made a pledge that if people donated to a certain charity he would host an entire show in a super fake spray tan and corn rows. This is that show. Now, off you go....

Tom Hanks "Slams" "Full House"

Tom Hanks performs some Slam Poetry concerning the television show "Full House". It's a very powerful episode.


HAVE MERCY.... on Uncle Jesse.

Incidentally, Hanks' walk-on music was "My Life" by Billy Joel.

The Greatest Event in Television History

Yesterday "The Greatest Event in Television History" aired. I assume everyone saw it because, well, how could you miss the greatest event in television history?

But for the sake of completeness, and because it's such a giant deal, I'll post it here.




RIP Jon Hamm.

Late Night - Christopher Walken

Christopher Walken was on Late Night last night. Admittedly, the interview is more informative than funny but I enjoyed it.

They talk about the "Cowbell" sketch, "The Continental" and touch on Chris' career as a child performer.

To play him on, the Roots played a version of "Don't Fear the Reaper" which featured 80% cowbell and 20% rest of the song. Excellent.


Part 1:


Part 2:


Part 3:

Jimmy Fallon on Letterman

Last week, Jimmy Fallon was a guest on the "Late Show" with David Letterman. There is no link released by the Late Show that encompasses the entire interview so here is the youtube.

Jimmy and Dave talk about working at NBC, Jimmy's new feud with Bruce Jenner and Jimmy does his Neil Young (the second guest).



When Dave labels Bruce Jenner as a famous athlete, the audience laughs. I can't decide if this is disturbing. Do people not know that anymore?

Jerry Seinfeld During the Break

Last time Jerry Seinfeld was on "Late Night", him and Jimmy had fun during the break answering questions from the audience and generally goofing around. So they decided to do it again. Hopefully this is a new tradition.



The "Real" Jimmy Fallon is intense, man.

IMDB 250 8.3 - The Avengers (2012)

The Avengers (2012)

Plot: Okay, so there's this guy who's like a guy or a god - or an alien? or a god alien - and he comes from another dimension or another planet or he's from Earth originally - but he's from somewhere else now. I think he uses a portal of energy - is it a blackhole? - I think they describe it as a door. And he can erase people's brains or steal their soul or something.... and Samuel L. Jackson is there and he causes it somehow.... Maybe he doesn't. Aw, Hell, I don't know....

Plot: Hulk Smash!

I was never into comic books and, of the movies preceding "The Avengers", I've only seen "Iron Man". That means there's a lot I don't know about who the characters are and what they do. And there's a lot  I don't know about their backstory and what the hell any of what they're doing really means. That means there are a few chunks of plot exposition that I don't follow at all - a sizable detraction from the enjoyment. But the bottom line is that when the fists start flying, it's supremely obvious who the good guys are and who the bad guys are.

One of the aspects of action movies that's become tiresome and cliche is the need for "comic relief". It isn't enough that James Bond offs a dude, he has to make a bad pun afterwards to no one in particular. One of the great things about this movie is that the jokes work. Credit to Joss Whedon, the humor is smart and genuinely funny. Part of the reason the humor works is because the characters work as well. Behind the explosions and CGI, we get a sense of these very different personalities, all coming together and agreeing, disagreeing, squabling, getting on each other's nerves and everything else a family is supposed to do.

In short, this movie is exactly what it's supposed to be - it's a fun summer "popcorn" movie. It's a big-budget special effects escapist blockbuster. It's exciting, it's loud and it's engaging. Of course, no one really needs my review because everyone's already seen it.

8/10.
Total Top "250" Movies Seen: 364.

Movie Review: We Made This Movie

We Made This Movie (2012)

A group of high-school kids attempt to make a prank/stunt comedy a la Tom Green or "Jackass". As they increasingly discover that they don't know what they're doing and, more importantly, they discover that the movie they're making sucks. But as the movie sucks, the documentary feature about the making of the movie emerges as the story really worth telling. This is that movie.

Posing as a documentary film made by kids, starring young unknowns, shown for free on the internet and released only on itunes - the movie is very much an "independent" movie and, who knows, probably represents an entirely new model for making and releasing movies.

As with "Swingers" or "Diner" most of the comedy comes from the interplay between the young characters with a good deal of improvisation sprinkled in. Particularly as "stunts" go awry, the characters are overheard making witticisms about how much they suck and how stupid they look. Here, the movie feels like an extended video on "Funny or Die" or "Cracked.com" - they're a little too witty, a little too slick to be believed as real people. The illusion is everything. It's easy to laugh at a real person;  but harder to laugh at actors trying to be funny.

But it's when the movie turns from comedy to drama that it really picks up steam. The movie within the movie isn't just a goof, we learn, it's a flailing attempt for a future - any future. It's a desperate attempt to escape their small town and be better than their parents. Just as in the best teen movies ("Cemetery Junction", "The Breakfast Club"), the characters face a future of uncertainty - they're not sure what they want to be as much as they're sure about what they don't want to be. Maybe chickens aren't destined to fly but the question is: do they have to end up in a cage?

6/10.

Conan Reviews Video Games - Resident Evil 6

In a regular segment called "Clueless Gamer", Conan, a clueless gamer, reviews video games. This week he reviews the yet-to-be-released "Resident Evil 6".


I love that springy thumbs up, I'm gonna start using that if I can.


Rating System:
Scale of 1 to 1500
1400 - Not So Good
1100 - Fantastic
Less Than Zero - Better

Rating: 35

Letterman to Receive Kennedy Center Honors

It was announced that David Letterman will be one of the Kennedy Center Honorees this year. The award, given to those who have contributed significantly to the cultural life of our nation and the world".

Also honored will be Dustin Hoffman, Buddy Guy, a ballerina and Led Zeppelin. Interesting.

Read more about it here. The ceremonies will air December 2nd on CBS.

Conan - Wife Auditions

Few people know that Conan actually found his present wife by holding open auditions. Here, Conan shows the video tapes.



OK, obviously this is just a comedy piece. In the mood for some irony?

Here's something the other tour guides won't tell you... Conan actually DID meet his wife by way of a comedy piece.

In 2000, Conan did a bit where he hired an ad agency to make a local commercial and that's where he met his wife. And that's a fact, Jack. Here it is:



Is it creepy that I know that? Probably.

Harry Kalas and 9/11

Rad - Top Ten Script Anomalies (5-1)

The Final Script to "Rad" has been uploaded to the internet.
The movie itself has been uploaded to youtube.

This post continues what was started in Part 1 - counting down my own personal Top Ten differences between the script for "Rad" and the final film.

Let's begin.

#5. No "Hollywood" Mike Moranda, Others

OK, the movie used real BMXers playing themselves for the final race (Hell Track). The script has none of that. No Kevin Hull, no Kirk Bihun, no Eddie Fiola, no Danny Millwee! I could live without all of those (barely)... but one thing I will not stand for is no "Hollywood" Mike Moranda.

Without "Hollywood" Mike Moranda, we are robbed of not one, but two dramatic exits in one day. Unacceptable, Rad script. Unacceptable. Oh, there are still plenty of wipeouts. The entire Hell Track race is a war of attrition. But it all looks like this:

Stuart Craine?! Are you serious?! Even a cursory glance at the text reveals it to be movie poison - poison that would destroy everything the film had built to that point. It obviously lacks both drama and that classic Hollywood sparkle. Fortunately, the makers of the movie rectified this clear oversight and did so just in time to prevent a chain reaction of cause-and-effect that could've dramatically exitted THE WORLD.

#4. The Continuity Mistake... Is In The Script!

Here's a weird one.

In the final race, at 1:21:20, the sequence goes as follows:

1. After one lap Cru is in front.
2. Cru fans are devastated. One yells, "GET UP!"
3. Cru is taken out by Rod Reynolds and crashes.

See, the fans react to him wiping out BEFORE he wipes out. It's clearly a continuity error and it's one I love to point out to the empty chair beside me as I watch "Rad" in the basement.

But here's the weird part.... it's written in the script! The script has the continuity error. Watch:

I know what you're thinking: "Recede from my face?" But put that aside, the point is the continuity. They clearly react to a wipeout before it actually occurs.

Now, arguably the text could interpreted to mean that they're reacting negatively because they are worried - worried something bad will happen, and then it does. Perhaps. But it seems pretty unlikely that someone would say, "Poor Cru." just because he's battling for first and in a tight spot. I've never seen football fans, at a game, start booing before the ball comes down from the air.

#3. Totally Different Track = No Hulk Hogan

There are some similarities between the script's Hell Track and the film's Hell Track and there are many differences as well. I won't go into all of them. Generally, the script describes sections such as "Lucifer's Lane" ( a "seventy-five yard strip of black sand"), "Freedom of Choice" (a split in the track where riders can choose one of two paths) and "Purgatory's Pools" ("two pools divided by an eight foot black wall").

The film's "Cliffhanger" where, as in baseball, you're either safe or you're out, is nowhere to be found in the script. But the biggest difference, in terms of consequences to world history, is the absence of the giant Kix Bowl. The absence of this obstacle combined with the fact that, as I already mentioned in Part 1, Cru is eating Lucky Charms in the lumberyard means that the "Rad" script goes 0/2 on Kix references.

Is that a big problem? Well, with no Kix Bowl, Cru has no springboard from which to do a back-flip! Indeed, the script contains no corresponding moment to that which occurs in the film. This means that if "Rad" had gone by the letter of the script, Hulk Hogan would have never had to eat his heart out and who knows how history would have changed as a result.

#2. The Deleted Scenes

I've already written extensively about the Deleted scenes of "Rad". But are they in the script? And if so, are they different?

Well,

• All the scenes of the kids being pissed off that Cru is being screwed are in the script (pp 79-80).
• The scene of Bart getting drunk and acting stupid is in the script (77-78).
• Cru being given a new bike specifically to race Hell Track - NOT in the script.

The only deleted scene I remember and the one I most care about is the one that isn't in the script. Not only can I not find it anywhere to watch it, but I can't even read about it.

Does my memory deceive me? Was it all a dream? Well, I still have IMDB as an independent confirmation... but this mystery continues...

#1. The End

Spoiler Alert!

So we should all know by now how the movie ends:

1.) Rod Reynolds takes out Cru, giving Bart a large lead.
2.) Bart and the Reynolds twins are running first, second, third.
3.) Bart takes out Rod Reynolds (good night, team strategy!).
4.) Bart stops and lets Cru catch up in order to race one-on-one.
5.) They run neck-and-neck until Cru does an unnecessary and risky 360 just to show off.
6.) Cru still wins somehow.

That's how it happened. But that's not how the script ends it!

First off, #1 and #2 are the same in both the movie and the script. Neither really explains what happens to Rex Reynolds. He's in second or third place and then he's never mentioned again. My theory is that he fell into a blackhole. See, the spacesuit he's wearing at the big dance was foreshadowing.

After that, it isn't Bart that takes out Rod, it's Cru. He catches up, takes away Rod's line and then this happens:

WHOAH. Carnage.
"Could we just show a few racers running over his limp body and allow the audience to imagine the rest?"
"NO. The audience will see a full ten tramplings in one long 2 minute shot. This must happen."
"Won't that interrupt, you know, the movie's momentum?"
"NO. Lifeless body trampling - do it."
"This is a kid's movie, right?"

Next, just as in #3 above (except Rex instead of Rod), Bart takes out Rex's front tire in order to take Cru one-on-one. But he doesn't wait up. Cru still catches up to Bart but only through grit, moxy, vitamins and 24-inch pythons.

So then Duke Best is all:

I think I found my Christmas card for this year.

So, then Bart and Cru race side-by-side. They simultaneously go over a gnarly jump and...

With the rest of the pack way behind, the race comes down to who will swallow the pain, get up and will their bike over the line first.

Cru...

Instead of a majestic explosion across the finish line, it's a clumsy stumble on foot. It almost feels like "Rad" predicts "Cool Runnings". Something tells me I wouldn't have liked that ending as much, watching it as a kid.

And Finally....

It doesn't differ much from what's on screen but no discussion of the "Rad" script would be complete without posting the written text of the most important and powerful speech ever given....

It makes me cry every time. The emotion is altered somewhat in the script. In the script, right after Sgt. Smith finishes the speech he's knocked out and run over by 19 motorcycles.

Serious Jibber-Jabber - Edmund Morris

Conan has a new web series where he sits down with people and does lengthy, completely serious interviews about potentially serious subjects. It's called "Serious Jibber-Jabber" and his first guest on the series is Presidential Biographer Edmund Morris.

Edmund Morris wrote biographies of Theodore Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan. Conan loved the three-book biography of Roosevelt so much, he had him on his show. You could tell that it was one of the interviews in which he was actually interested in the guest. Perhaps just having 5 minutes to talk to him was a main reason for starting this series.

Note: in case you haven't realized already, this isn't a comedy piece and it's 47 minutes long. I likes it.

IMDB 250 8.2 - Papillon (1973)

Papillon (1973)

"Welcome to the penal colony of French Guiana, whose prisoners you are and from which there is no escape."

As two prisoners are being transported to the penal system in French Guiana and make a deal. Papillon (Steve McQueen) will protect the more fragile Louis Dega (Dustin Hoffman) and, in exchange, Dega will finance Papillon's prison escape.

The plot sounds like "The Great Escape" but it's actually closer to "Lawrence of Arabia". It's long, it's big and it's long. There are long sequences portraying long stretches of solitary confinement in a dark cell. There are long sequences portraying the attempted escape from prison. There are long sequences depicting what happens after that (not spoiling anything). And there are long sequences showing what happens after that. Like "Lawrence of Arabia", this movie has an "epic" feel to it - they're going to tell you a larger than life story and it doesn't matter if it takes longer than life to tell it.

The main strength of this movie is the acting. Dustin Hoffman is always good but Steve McQueen is phenomenal. Here, he gets to display a huge range of emotions and states from "old age" to "crazy" to "sick and at the point of death". And you'll never catch him "acting". Every second feels authentic. I was already a fan going in, and this movie only made me more of one.

For the first half of the movie one might think it's about the human spirit and human determination. But by the end, one can't help but wonder if it's really about obsession and insanity. And where does one draw the line?

7/10.
Total Top "250" Movies Seen: 363.