Rifftrax - Setting Up a Room

 It's finally here. I don't know how, but the folks at Rifftrax have somehow made "Setting Up a Room" available for free on youtube. Isn't that a major rights issue with the Hollywood production companies? Well, I don't care how they did it, the point is they did it.

Give in to the block-putting-away...

Mr. T in Pass the Courvoisier Part II (2002)

 Mr. T appears in the music video for Busta Rhymes' "Pass the Courvoiser Part II." Earlier, I mentioned that Emmanuel Lewis appeared in a Lil John video in 2002. Perhaps this was a mini-trend in the early 2000s - rappers featuring 80s TV stars in their music videos. These are the only two I know of so far, though.

So, yeah, Mr. T is in this music video and it's the standard disposable pop trash that's only popular for a few weeks. I wouldn't even be mentioning this except for one thing...

 As you can see, Mr. T is wearing a giant gold plate. When I saw him wearing this in "Suddenly Susan" I blamed the writers but this appearance shows that I was wrong, this is his "look" in this era. My apologies to the writers of "Suddenly Susan". This is not a good fashion choice.

Mr. T in Not Another Teen Movie (2001)

 

"Not Another Teen Movie" is an over-the-top parody movie of the Teen movies of the 80s and 90s. It's extreme, it's stupid and it's offensive - and I mean that in the best way possible. I am a sucker for these spoof movies, granted, but I put this in the "best of the best" category within the genre.

Why is this not considered a classic? My best guess is: it may have gotten lost in the shuffle. It would be around this time or a little later that all the horrible "Scary Movie" cash grabs would start up and I suppose this might have been lumped into the same category and forgotten.

Regarding Mr. T, this is a strange role for the T man. Or actually, it's a standard role but within a strange genre for him. Raunchy sex movies are not Mr. T's style but yet here he is. When he did "D.C. Cab" he was almost apologetic about its R rating and how it didn't agree with his values. With "D.C. Cab" you could make the case that he was just starting out and desperate for roles. But that isn't the case here.

As in "Spy Hard," it's a very small role - Mr. T plays the Wise Janitor Here to Impart Knowledge. And he also is dressed as a rather random homage to "I Know What You Did Last Summer".

Mr. T coaches Captain America

The joke that stood out to me most, watching it this time around, is the football coach. That actor commits to the bit. He acts with the fire of a thousand suns. The other joke - that got me this time but always gets me - is "Do it for Marty's torso!" Classic. The "cheertator" speech is great too. I could go on and on.

Who Is Satoshi Nakamoto?

 A three-part, 1.5 hour long series about trying to piece together who Satoshi Nakamoto (the inventor of Bitcoin) really is. If you don't care about the mystery, skip it. If you have any interest, I found this fascinating.

Late Night - Dave Goes to Dunkin' Donuts

 

I love the utter derision in "Uh, not really a donut, is it, sir?"

Mr. T on Malcolm and Eddie (1999)

 

I'm watching all these old sitcoms and having a bit of an existential crisis. I go in thinking, "This is going to be mediocre" and am constantly (pleasantly) surprised. Case in point: "Malcolm & Eddie" - this is considered to be scraping the bottom of the barrel of television entertainment, and yet I basically enjoyed it. I'm trying to explain why this is the case. Perhaps it's just nostalgia, maybe it's just going in with such low expectations, perhaps TV has degraded so much over the years that "bad" sitcoms then would be "good" today. It may be that the saving grace is that I'm only watching one episode and can't get too sick of it in that time.

Whatever the case, "Malcolm & Eddie" starred Eddie Griffin and Malcolm Jamal-Warner as two average guys who own a restaurant in Kansas City while also sharing an apartment.

In this episode, a star for the Kansas City Chiefs visits the bar and when Eddie accidentally injures him, Malcolm and Eddie become the #1 enemy of the entire city's fanbase. It's not a bad storyline. And, bonus: the football star is played by Reginald Ballard who you might remember as Brother Man.

In the episode, Mr. T plays a Chiefs superfan:

His Chiefs face-paint faintly recalls his world-famous role in "Goldy 3." 

Mr. T's character is just the standard Mr. T persona done for comedy. You probably know how it goes... For instance he wants the fans to cheer on the team but the fans aren't into it, Mr. T adopts a threatening tone and the entire section immediately stands to their feet, cheering with great enthusiasm. That kind of stuff.

Later, Mr. T unluckily shows up at the same restaurant as Malcolm and Eddie with his girlfriend/wife:

Ouch. That's hot.

RLM - The Jay vs. Mike Trivia Rematch

 

Not a single question about "The Straight Story"...

Mr. T on Suddenly Susan (1996)

 

If you look up "average sitcom" in the dictionary, it's just a picture of "Suddenly Susan". No one remembers it, no one cares about it, but at the time, it was mildly successful. What I recall of it is that it has a conflict, the conflict is resolved and there are jokes.

Mr. T appears in two episodes, both in the first season - and plays two different characters. No one cares about any of this, so let's get to it...

In the first episode ("Hoop Dreams"), Susan joins a basketball team and is so successful that she forgets her friends and has to learn the value of teamwork or how not to be an awful person or something like that. What does this have to do with Mr. T? Nothing. Mr. T has nothing to do with the plot.

In a cutaway scene, Jack Richmond (Judd Nelson) - who is feuding with his mother in law - goes to get a massage. Instead of the normal masseuse, in walks Mr. T (courtesy of said mother in law) and we can tell by his demeanor that it will not be a soothing session.

It's a funny gag but that's all it is - it has nothing to do with the story and it's a scene that lasts a few seconds. And despite the mohawk and gold jewelry, Mr. T is not playing himself, he's playing the character of "Arnie".

In the second episode, Jack attends a high-stakes poker game with some high rollers. The other people at the game include Willie Brown (then Mayor of San Francisco), John McEnroe, President Donald Trump and Mr. T. These are all the real celebrities playing themselves.

Mr. T wearing a giant plate is unsettling. As far as I can tell, it's invented by the writers in order to set up a joke about looking at Mr. T's cards by reflection. It makes no sense and I can't figure it out. But more than that, he's barely recognizable with no hair or beard. This would be a complaint except we can deduce he probably lost all his hair in chemo treatments at this point. So, fair enough.

The star-studded table makes for some good gags. At one point someone makes a "I pity the fool!" joke and Mr. T barks, "That's not funny, that's old and hackneyed!"

The main oddity that gets me is that Mr. T has two appearances on "Suddenly Susan" and the one where he looks exactly Mr. T, he's Arnie and the one where he looks nothing like Mr. T, he's playing Mr. T.

But there is an even greater oddity in this second episode.

In the show, Jack loses his magazine in the poker game and the workers at the magazine don't like the new owner. So a contingent, led by Kathy Griffin, propose to create their own magazine. So they go to Donald Trump to raise funds (?) and try to woo him with this magazine cover:

 The caption reads "Our Next President?"

Mr. T on Martin (1996)

 

It's Halloween and Martin comes home excited that he's found a house to buy. Gina is cautious but Martin is sure she'll love it because it's a giant mansion that's selling for only $50,000. There's no time to waste so the two, and all their friends, dressed in their Halloween costumes, ditch the Halloween party they were going to go to and check out the house instead.

The seller of the house is Mr. Jenkins.

And holy crap, it's Mr. T with a normal haircut and a long beard! It took 16 years but we've finally reached his first role playing an average person with a normal haircut! "Normal" - but not for long.

So, they give Mr. Jenkins the down payment and he gives them the keys. It's an interesting transaction - what about the inspection, what about the realtors, what about signing legal documents for 8 hours straight? No? Just cash for a key, huh? What about all the furniture, paintings and decorations in the house? I guess they come with it? Okay, well that's convenient because they can hang out in the mansion for Halloween night. And wouldn't you know it, haunted happenings are afoot and Martin's friends start disappearing one-by-one.... by a mummy!

Eventually the haunted mummy comes after Martin but Martin defeats him and is able to free his friends. When they unmask the mummy, it turns out to be Mr. Jenkins who has been selling this house "for over a year. He takes people's down payments and then scares them off." Except what about the part where he scares people by kidnapping them and locking them in a secret passage? The police knew about that but let it continue? Are the victims dead? The police just let them die?

I still like "Martin." It is mostly a basic run-of-the-mill sitcom but Martin Lawrence's physical comedy and wacky other characters do elevate the material, raising it above the vast wasteland of average sitcoms.

Mr. T in Spy Hard (1996)

 

Well here's a new one...

I watched "Spy Hard" because Mr. T is in it. That's obviously my purpose. And Mr. T literally dies within the first minute of the movie. He doesn't even make it to the opening credits.

Mr. T plays a helicopter pilot and that's somewhat ironic given that T is known for playing characters who are afraid to fly. His phobia may be well founded because the helicopter blows up with him inside.

So it's an 81 minute movie and T is gone and there are still 80 minutes left to go. "Spy Hard" is a Leslie Nielson spoof movie that sends up James Bond-type spy "thrillers." But then it also goes to weird extremes to also spoof movies like "Home Alone", "Jurassic Park" and "Sister Act." I mean "Sister Act?!"

I really have a soft spot for these cheap spoofs but this one is not quite up to par. Especially since the spy genre was so well covered "Get Smart" and later by "Austin Powers." There will be another spoof movie that WILL be up to par, and in fact be exceedingly good, but that's for another time...

Mr. T on Battlecade: Extreme Fighting #1 (1995)

 "Battlecade Extreme Fighting" is an early "Extreme Fighting", MMA event that struggled to make money and went out of business. It is responsible for coining the term "mixed martial arts".

I personally could not be less interested in Mixed Martial Arts but this has T in it so I've watched it.

Mr. T acts as the sideline reporter - each time a match is won, he interviews the winner in the locker room. In the first interview he asks, "What kind of maneuver did you use?" and then "How long have you been fighting?" and then that's it. In the second interview he asks, "What kind of maneuver did you use?" and then "How long have you been fighting?" and then that's it.

T is clearly not a great interviewer at first - not only is he dealing with live television and trying to think on his feet, this is his first time doing it. He does improve and gets more comfortable as the event goes along, in fact in some of the later interviews, there is a genuinely interesting exchange. It's an impressive improvement over a short period of time. It should be noted also that the position of the sideline reporter is one of the most useless jobs in the world. Athletes who have just come out from the field or floor can't speak and have nothing to say, usually. But Mr. T can be my sideline reporter any time.

The most important, most interesting fight will not be shown or even alluded to in the broadcast. Two months before this appearance, Mr. T was diagnosed with cancer. 

Diagnosed in September 1995 of T-Cell Lymphoma ("Can you imagine that?! Cancer with my name on it -- personalized cancer.") in his ear, he would undergo a month of successful treatment. 11 months later, the cancer would return, popping up "like popcorn" all over his body. The fight would go on for several years. 

"I pity the fool who just gives up. We all gonna die eventually from something or other, but don't be a wimp. Put up a good fight. Don't sit around waiting on death. We can be tough. We can be determined. Go out and have some fun and make death find you! We can be living with cancer, not dying from it. We can be cancer survivors."

"One more thing," adds Mr. T. "If you don't remind me that I have cancer then I won't remember either, because I am too busy living. If you see me, please come by and shake my hand; give me a hug, a thumbs-up or a high five; take a photo with me, or let's do lunch, because cancer ain't contagious. That would really make my day."

LGIO - Parkasaurus

 Should be called Parkasaurus Rex.

Mr. T on Blossom (1994)

 

Quick, name all the people who have both wrestled in Wrestlemania AND appeared on an episode of "Blossom."

Mr. T has certainly had an eclectic career. Not eclectic in the roles he's played, certainly, but in the variety of projects.

My highest hope, my most fervent wish of Mr. T's one episode of "Blossom" is that it would also happen to be a "very special" episode. There's no way to know, unfortunately. In the episode Joey learns that his friend is doing steroids so it's not outside the realm of possibility, but I think this is the norm for the show.

I've already prematurely named Mr. T's weirdest role of all-time but this one is at least a contender for second place. In the episode Mr. T plays Joey Lawrence's imaginary friend (back again from childhood). When Joey is faced with a tough decision we will hear a magic "zing" and Mr. T will appear to impart wisdom.

In the end, Joey convinces his friend to stop doing steroids. There's also a cute credit sequence where Joey tries to teach T to say his trademark "Whoah!" and then T teaches him to say "I pity the foo!"

Drunk Irish Riddles

 

Mr. T in Freaked (1993)

 

If you haven't seen "Freaked," I doubt I can adequatly describe it to you. It's a bizarre, surrealist, wacky comedy from the early 90s. It stars, and was made by, Bill S. Preston, Esquire and features cameos by "Ted" Theodore Logan AND the Grim Reaper. For a better understanding of the film, see the Freaked re:View.

The thing to note, for the purposes of this post, is that "Freaked" features Mr. T and, though I haven't seen them all yet (so I can't be sure), it's probably the weirdest Mr. T role ever.

In the movie, a man has created a collection of freaks - his own Freak Show - and is holding them all captive. Mr. T plays the Bearded Lady.

He wears dresses, he wears jewelry (I guess that's technically normal for him), he wears makeup. According to Alex Winters, Mr. T got fed up with cross-dressing and left the set three days before filming was complete.

And that's about it. So that's Mr. T in "Freaked."

Mr. T in Goldy 3: The Search for the Golden Bear (1988)

When was the last time you put a VHS tape into the VCR and watched a movie? At some point in your past, you watched a VHS movie for the last time and nobody knew it. 

In 1988, Mr. T appeared in the movie "Goldy 3: The Search for the Golden Bear" and it's perhaps so bad that it's not available to watch anywhere - even bootlegged. So I spent actual money to buy an actual VHS copy on actual eBay... actually paid to have it sent through the physical mail for days and actually sat down and watched it.

It should be noted that Mr. T's imdb filmography lists "Goldy 3: The Search for the Golden Bear" as coming out in 1988 and "The Magic of the Golden Bear: Goldy III" as coming out in 1994. You'd assume they were the same movie - the information is 90% the same - but they each list different leads. I have to assume they're the same and imdb is just inaccurate.

So this is a "frontier times" kids' movie where a female Tom Sawyer-type (Jessie) has a bear for a pet. Full disclosure: I did not watch "Goldy 1" and "Goldy 2" in preparation for this "review."

Mr. T plays a Native American who lives in the wilderness, communes with nature and specifically talks to the animals. Periodically the animals visit him and give him updates on what's happening to Jessie. Watching Mr. T talk to animals in Native American garb is a trip. Though... Here's one for the record books... This may be the only role Mr. T has ever played (other than himself) where his mohawk is completely appropriate for the character.

Cheech Marin is also in this movie and he plays a terrible magician whose show is failing. In desperation, he looks into a crystal ball, sees the town where Goldy lives, sees Goldy and is shown that Goldy is the key to making a great show. He sets out to obtain her. The main thing I want to point out here is that, in the reality of the movie, Marin is a completely inept magician and also possesses real magical powers.

So Cheech tries to buy the bear from Jessie's family and when they refuse, he uses tricks and magic to try to steal Goldy. The plot gets somewhat convoluted from there... in fact at one point I realized I had spaced out partway through and didn't know what was happening anymore and had to rewind it and re-watch a sizable chunk of "Goldy 3." That was a hard pill. I sum up: Jessie and Goldy run away into the woods, Goldy appears to be shot, turns out to be ok, they meet Mr. T, Cheech Marin regrets being evil and everything works out. Also in the end, they all agree to hypnotize Goldy to make her go back to living in the wild. So there will definitely be no "Goldy IV." Bear hypnotism!

The movie has a "Fall" look and feel and an "Ashokan Farewell"-esque soundtrack. It's a great world. But that's it for the positives. The plot is boring made-for-kids oatmeal and the acting is amazingly horrendous. There are a few kid-acting moments that are so bad, it occurred to me they would be wonderful memes for the Information Superhighway. After all, this movie doesn't exist on the internet, I could be the first to release them. But I just can't work up the energy to figure out the VHS-to-GIF conversion. Plus, it's Saturday night and I'm watching a children's movie alone - I'm not sure I get to laugh at anyone.

Mr. T in Alice Through the Looking Glass (1987)

 

Now there are some opening credits that you don't often see.

In 1987 an animated adaptation of "Through the Looking-Glass" was made and they cast Mr. T as the voice of the Jabberwock.

I waited over an hour to hear Mr. T say, "I'm tired of this jibber-jabberwock" or some reasonable variant of the same... but it never came.

Old Man Eats Watermelon

 

This video has over 4 million views and it shows the current state of the viewing public and of movies, even. Apparently to get over 4 million views you need cutting-edge special effects, Hollywood star power and flashy editing.