When was the last time you put a VHS tape into the VCR and watched a movie? At some point in your past, you watched a VHS movie for the last time and nobody knew it.
In 1988, Mr. T appeared in the movie "Goldy 3: The Search for the Golden Bear" and it's perhaps so bad that it's not available to watch anywhere - even bootlegged. So I spent actual money to buy an actual VHS copy on actual eBay... actually paid to have it sent through the physical mail for days and actually sat down and watched it.
It should be noted that Mr. T's imdb filmography lists "Goldy 3: The Search for the Golden Bear" as coming out in 1988 and "The Magic of the Golden Bear: Goldy III" as coming out in 1994. You'd assume they were the same movie - the information is 90% the same - but they each list different leads. I have to assume they're the same and imdb is just inaccurate.
So this is a "frontier times" kids' movie where a female Tom Sawyer-type (Jessie) has a bear for a pet. Full disclosure: I did not watch "Goldy 1" and "Goldy 2" in preparation for this "review."
Mr. T plays a Native American who lives in the wilderness, communes with nature and specifically talks to the animals. Periodically the animals visit him and give him updates on what's happening to Jessie. Watching Mr. T talk to animals in Native American garb is a trip. Though... Here's one for the record books... This may be the only role Mr. T has ever played (other than himself) where his mohawk is completely appropriate for the character.
Cheech Marin is also in this movie and he plays a terrible magician whose show is failing. In desperation, he looks into a crystal ball, sees the town where Goldy lives, sees Goldy and is shown that Goldy is the key to making a great show. He sets out to obtain her. The main thing I want to point out here is that, in the reality of the movie, Marin is a completely inept magician and also possesses real magical powers.
So Cheech tries to buy the bear from Jessie's family and when they refuse, he uses tricks and magic to try to steal Goldy. The plot gets somewhat convoluted from there... in fact at one point I realized I had spaced out partway through and didn't know what was happening anymore and had to rewind it and re-watch a sizable chunk of "Goldy 3." That was a hard pill. I sum up: Jessie and Goldy run away into the woods, Goldy appears to be shot, turns out to be ok, they meet Mr. T, Cheech Marin regrets being evil and everything works out. Also in the end, they all agree to hypnotize Goldy to make her go back to living in the wild. So there will definitely be no "Goldy IV." Bear hypnotism!
The movie has a "Fall" look and feel and an "Ashokan Farewell"-esque soundtrack. It's a great world. But that's it for the positives. The plot is boring made-for-kids oatmeal and the acting is amazingly horrendous. There are a few kid-acting moments that are so bad, it occurred to me they would be wonderful memes for the Information Superhighway. After all, this movie doesn't exist on the internet, I could be the first to release them. But I just can't work up the energy to figure out the VHS-to-GIF conversion. Plus, it's Saturday night and I'm watching a children's movie alone - I'm not sure I get to laugh at anyone.
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