Gilligan's Island - The Professor Can Make Radio; Can't Fix Boat.

"How come the Professor can make a radio out of coconuts but he can't fix a hole in a boat?"

It's the Second Great Question of "Gilligan's Island". It's the fallback of every lazy stand-up comedian ever. If you were living in the '80s, all you had to do was read this line in front of a brick wall at a comedy club and a gaggle of TV executives would carry you away, give you your own sitcom and shower you with piles of cash. If you added a "Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?" you were a superstar.

Though those glory days are long gone, the question rings down through the ages as one of the great unanswerable mysteries of life, the universe and everything. That is, until now. The question has an answer and I'm gonna tell you what it is and you're gonna sit there and listen, see! Mmrraaaah, see?

First things first, though. Although the question could be worded in any number of ways ("How come the Professor can make a generator out of coconuts...?", "How come the Professor can make a phonograph out of coconuts...?", and on and on) there appears to be a common agreement about the exact wording - "...make a radio...". In the incalculable fluctuations of human activity, this is slightly strange. But it's all the more puzzling when you consider the fact that the Professor never made a radio out of coconuts. He made a generator, he made a peddle car, he made a syringe, he made tons of stuff but he never made a radio. They only had one radio and it looked like this:

Ah, the good old Packard Bell AR-851. Not Pictured: telescoping antenna.

OK, OK, all of that is beside the point. The real question is: if he can make any complex invention, why can't he fix a stupid hole in a stupid boat?! The answer is simple: there is no boat.

In Season 1, Episode 8 - "Good-Bye Island" - Gilligan attempts to make pancake syrup. In the process of screwing it up, he discovers a plant-based waterproof glue that they can use to repair the hole in the boat. This they do and, in proper "Gilligan's Island" fashion, decide to give the whole boat a once-over, presumably to make it extra non-sinky.

As fate would have it, it turns out the glue is only temporary and loses its cohesive properties after a few days. In fact, it doesn't just lose its cohesive properties, like the chemicals we tend to find on planet Earth, it comes apart in such a way that basically causes the Minnow to explode. Board by solitary board. And so, from the eighth episode to the end of the series, the "boat" looks like this:

The S.S. Minnow: The Reality

And so you see, the Professor can not fix the boat because there's nothing to fix. There is no boat. Search your memory - can you think of a single time after the eighth episode where we ever see the castaways hanging by the boat, standing on the boat, pulling parts off the boat or do anything at all which causes us, the audience, to see the boat? Nope, neither can I. Never happened.

But even if there is no boat, perhaps the question could be: "If the Professor can make... why can't he  build a new boat?" Well, the building material of the island is bamboo and a boat made out of bamboo is usually called a raft and they did make a raft in a number of episodes throughout the series. See the individual episodes for the reasons why that didn't work (other than the fact that the writers of the show enjoyed their job and wanted the show to continue).

So the entire "Professor" question is BS. It's nonsense and the reasons why are in the show if you pay attention. So then why is it so widespread? Heck, almost half of the Professor's wikipedia article is dedicated to it. Sherwood Schwartz, the show's creator was asked about it his entire life and even he didn't have a good answer. Same with Bob Denver. Same with Russell Johnson. I think I know where the confusion is coming from. It might just come from the fact that they're showing this image at the beginning of Every. Single. Episode...

The S.S. Minnow: The Public Perception.

There's your problem. But then, that's not the only problem with the opening sequence. But that's another story...

Late Night - P&S Shout Out

If you blinked you missed it but he was true to his word: Jimmy Fallon shouts-out Preston and Steve.



Permanent link to the audio here.

VCR Alert: Late Night

Today Jimmy Fallon was a guest on the "Preston and Steve Show", a local radio show (and my favorite podcast). The interview was very good but too short as major celebrities have a million stations to get to and only so much time.

So anyways, at the end of the interview Jimmy promised something that I'd never heard on the radio before: he promised to give the show a shout out on tonight's episode. I'm sure it'll just be a quick mention at the beginning of desk chat but I'm still excited. Of course, if they're doing the "Shout Out" bit, it'll weave naturally into the fabric of the show. One of my favorite TV shows mentions my favorite radio show. Worlds are colliding!

Preston vs. Questlove - The Drum Off

Regis and Letterman

This interview has largely gone unnoticed and it's a trend that needs to be reversed. Recently Regis Philbin subbed for Piers Morgan on Piers' show and had has his guest - David Letterman. Hosts as guests is always interesting and even more so when it's Dave, who is quite camera shy when not on his own show.

As interviews go, they don't get much better than this. Regis is a master. He keeps it funny, smooth and conversational but still gets amazing insights into Letterman's life. They cover his quintuple bypass, 9/11, parenthood, politics and how he got into show business.

This is the only place you'll see names such as Johnny Carson, Jack Paar and Jack Benny dropped casually into conversation like they were Bob and Stan from the Bowling League.

It's about 40 minutes long but make the time, it's lots of fun.











"Please don't roll any tape. I'm coming across the table if you roll another tape. There's gonna be bloodshed right here. I can take you."

"You didn't seem certain when you said, 'I'm sure you have.' Like, 'How could this guy make friends?' That's what I picked up out of that. Am I being too sensitive? Because, here's how it sounded: 'Yeah, I'm sure you have.'"

Gilligan's Island - The Question

Recently I finished watching all the episodes of "Gilligan's Island" (98 episodes plus the unaired pilot) along with the four follow-up made for TV movies. I plan to write a few blog posts dedicated to the series and I'll probably post them in order of importance.

So, first up is the great philosophical conundrum that "Gilligan's Island" first presented and continues to plague mankind even today. I've been able to consider it quite a bit over the course of the hundreds of hours I've watched the show. And though I've come up with a conclusion, I have no illusions that it's an easy question or that a good case can't be made for either side. In fact, it's SO close that I spent half my life on the other side. Yes, it's only relatively recently that I've been able to firmly establish that I've "come around" to the totally opposing school of thought.

And so, as I've been split over the course of my life, it perhaps mirrors the nearly even split of our society. But, acknowledging that there are good people on both sides of the aisle and that it's a very difficult issue, nonetheless, after hours and hours of thought and consideration to all the issues and looking at the question from every possible angle, I have come up with my own definitive answer to the great question of "Gilligan's Island".

The answer is Mary Ann.

Conan in Chicago: Hot Dogs

Jack McBrayer and a guest (oops, I guess the preview gives away the best surprise in the bit) visit the "Weiner's Circle":



I love all the kooky and eccentric local oddities that freckle this great land of ours. They help define and reinforce local culture. However, this is one I don't understand in the slightest. It's one thing to have a place where people insult you in a fun, we're-playing-a-character type of way but I don't see that here. This is a straight-up "Boot Camp" episode of "Maury".

But I post it for the Triumphness and the chance to see Jack McBrayer play "mean".

1-800-588-2300 Empire. Today.

Conan in Chicago: The Lincoln Museum

Conan visits Springfield, Illinois - Lincoln Central.



It's weird to see a place you've been to on TV. I've visited the Lincoln museum. As Conan eludes to, the use of life-size replica statues is pretty corny but that aside, it's a really cool museum with very clever and interesting exhibits.

Of course, the number one thing I wanted to do was visit Lincoln's tomb because that is supposedly really cool and feels more "real" but that never happened.

Mary Todd Lincoln is hot.

Return of the Wolfwaker

With the Wolfwaker to guide them, creatures of the Wolf Planet lived in peace and prosperity for thousands of years. They developed a complex system of government and arts and science flourished and a broad industrial base waked into existence in half a century. Within a millennium, the wolves ventured into space and became children of the stars. 

On a bright, clear day, 6000 years after landing on Lupen, the Wolfwaker was given their fastest vessel. Equipped with neutrino-pulse-disruptor technology, this massive star ship could tear through the very fabric of the universe, devour Class 9 stars and bring the Wolfwaker home at last. "Is this the end of my long journey?", he wondered. "Can I finally put down my harmonic spear?" 

As he sped through the outer limb of the galaxy, riding on a pillar of fusion flame toward a planet he called home - towards uncertainty - the Wolfwaker knew in his bones that the fight was not over. The iris to open the faster-than-light communicator embedded in the fat of his hand had sent one final coded message hurtling back through space to the wolves. 

It was his final goodbye, and it was a warning...

Conan in Chicago: The Blues

Conan meets with elementary school kids and teaches them the Blues:



It's been a long time since I've seen "Caps for Sale".

This post is dedicated to Olivia (2005-2012).

Conan in Chicago: Irish Stepdancing

Conan is in Chicago for a week of shows. Today he learned how to do traditional Irish stepdancing.


I think Conan's confusing a leprechaun finding a pot of gold with a prospector (Walter Huston in "The Treasure of the Sierre Madre") when he finds a vein of gold. You decide.

TAYYYYYTOOOOSS!

Movie Review: The Longest Day (1962)

The Longest Day (1962)

"We are witnessing something which historians will always say is completely improbable... and yet it is true."

The "Longest Day" depicts the events of D-Day from all sides (German, British, French, American) and at every level (civilians, soldiers, generals, soldiers, medics) and on all five beaches. Stars Richard Burton, Sean Connery, Henry Fonda, Robert Mitchum, John Wayne within a cast of thousands.

I was told that "The Longest Day" was a fantastic movie but had not given watching it high priority because I assumed that a movie from 1962 and starring John Wayne was bound to be laden with old Hollywood war cliches. I couldn't have been more wrong.

That realism is the goal is evident from the outset. Scenes depicting Americans end only to give way to scenes of the British. When those end, the focus turns to the Nazis - depicted as intelligent military men and speaking in actual German with subtitles at the bottom of the screen. Next the French Resistance, speaking French, again with subtitles. The movie has the audacity of not just introducing a cast of characters, but listing their name, rank and country at the bottom of the screen as they do it. Instead of just "based on true events", the movie attempts to be accurate down to the real individuals and demands  that viewers hold them to that standard.

Although there are innumerable storylines, the viewer gets the sense that there is only one storyline. The story is the day. The story is history unfolding. The constant changes of context from one group at one location in one aspect of battle, to another group at another location in another aspect of battle, gives the movie a sense of urgency and modernity. The vast number of characters/real people and situations depicted almost give it a documentary feeling. There are shots in this movie that involve so many men and so many explosions that you feel it must be actual footage of the landing. There is a long, continuous shot during the fight in Ouisterham that is as startling and amazing as you will see in any movie.

Perhaps my opinion is skewed by the day I watched it. Nevertheless, I found it as intense and adrenaline filled as any movie I've seen. The film does the only thing a war movie should do - and the thing that every great war movie ("Glory", "Saving Private Ryan") does - it strives for absolute realism, knowing that the reality of war is more exciting, more intense, more depressing, and more horrible than any fiction.

9/10.

IMDB 250 7.12 - The Artist (2011)

The Artist (2011)

George Valentin is one of the top silent stars in the world. But when the new "talkies" capture the imagination of the public, he goes from being on top of the world to hitting rock bottom. The twist of "The Artist" is that it tells the story of the death of silent pictures with a silent picture.

As an appreciator of the silent film genre, I've often wondered whether a modern silent could be made today. There's no doubt - in my mind - that visuals, lush orchestration and minimal dialogue (displayed on title cards, of course) can create a compelling and moving story. But would anyone believe that enough to actually make one? And even if they did would anyone go to see it?

Of course, when I thought about a "modern silent", I had in mind a color picture, set in the present day, using modern film making techniques. As "The Artist" is black and white, set in the '20s and '30s and styled after the silent pictures of old, it's a case of "so close but so far."

My own personal curiosities aside, "The Artist" is a good movie, full of laughs, drama, romance and some touching moments. It's not only a sweet homage to the silent picture era films, but also a flawless recreation. Every minute of the movie feels totally authentic to the period. Even as the acting mimics the slightly over the top style of the 30's, you can't help but be engrossed in the emotion.

Watching it, the thing that jumped out to me is how inaccurate the term "silent movie" is. When a movie has a larger than life classical score that's front and center all the time, there's nothing "silent" about it.

"The Artist" is a worthy homage to the pictures of the silent era but it doesn't surpass them. If you want to see a silent movie, and can find one, watch a movie by Buster Keaton or Harold Lloyd. If not, "The Artist" is not a bad choice.

7/10.
Total "Top 250" Movies Seen: 361.

[End of Revision 7.]

IMDB 250 7.11 - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows : Part 2 (2011)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011)

"The wand chooses the wizard, Mr. Potter. That much has always been clear to those of us who have studied wand lore."

So says Dingus Jinglegargle in "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2", the 91st installment of the Harry Potter series. Unfortunately this quote is one of the few times in the film that wand lore is mentioned or discussed. If there's one problem I had with HPatDH:P2 it's the stunning lack of wand lore discussion. There are so many Harry Potter movies, would it be so hard to devote one movie to wand lore? How about it, Hollywood?

The drama in action movies, is the tension between hoping the protagonist succeeds and fearing that he'll fail. If you know the protagonist will succeed, there is no tension. You know how I knew Harry Potter was going to be OK? Magic. It doesn't matter what happens to him, everything can be solved with magic. It's what makes magic so magical. Watch what happens to classic movies when you insert this one element.

Jaws
Fisherman: Uh oh, there's a giant shark in these waters.
Robert Shaw: Don't worry I'll banish it with a spell.
The End.

The Bicycle Thief
Antonio Ricci: Someone stole my bicycle and without it, I'll lose my job.
[Ricci conjures another.]
The End.

Back to the Future
Marty: I've disrupted the space-time continuum and now I'm in danger of never being born, Doc!
Doc Brown: This is indeed serious. Fortunately, I have a incantation which will make your mother and father fall in love and set everything right again!
Marty: That's great, Doc!
The End.

To its credit, the film counters this uphill battle in two ways. First, they put limitations on the magic. But as far as I can tell, the limitations are completely arbitrary and totally unpredictable. In one scene magic critically injures a man, but isn't used to heal him. Why one and not the other? I suspect it's that the writer wanted a powerful "deathbed" scene. People die all throughout the film but late in the film,  someone dies but then magically comes back to life. Why one and not the others? In another scene, a wizard has to run across a bridge before it collapses. Is there no spell for super speed or levitation or flying or holding bridges together? If I was on the board of wizard research, that would be a top priority.

The second way the movie counters the "magic problem" is to counter the good guys' magic with villains who also have magical abilities - that way they cancel each other out. But that's just as confusing and nonsensical. One guy's blue lightning throws someone back but someone else's blue lightning disintegrates someone, then blue lightning and orange lightning have a fight and orange gets overpowered. What? How exciting. It's just a good thing that when two people point magical wands at each other it looks cool and macho on screen.

Potter fans might argue that in order to appreciate HPatDH:P2 I'd need to watch all 90 previous Harry Potter movies. Hey, I may have more free time than anyone I know but life's too short for this wizards and warlocks crap.

4/10.
Total "Top 250" Movies Seen: 360.