IMDB 250 - Rang De Basanti (2006)

Rang De Basanti (2006)

Awful. Awful. Awful. Paper-thin characters, paper-thin plot, totally unrealistic but here's the good news - they managed to tell it all in just a hair under three hours. There must be lots of scenes left on the cutting room floor. To top it all off, it's a movie that has the audacity to murder. Huzzah! At one point, a guy joins the air-force and it's a total of 5 minutes of screen time later that the news announces his plane crashed. That's probably the world record for quickest Goose. Just tortuous, stupid manipulation.

I won't bother reviewing this movie in the usual way - it's not worth it. I don't even care. There's no way this should be considered even a good movie, let alone one of the best. If there are enough dumb people out there to keep it in the IMDB 250 then we all deserve what we get.

The good news is, this is IMDB keeps yearly "snapshots" of the Top 250 list. I'd seen every movie in every list from 2007-2012 and this is the final movie I had to watch to complete the list for 2013. The only problem is I just looked and they recently added more snapshot lists going all the way back to 1996 so that'll keep me busy for a while.

It's funny to see what the list of 1996 looks like. Keep in mind that the internet was only for nerds back then so that explains why "Star Trek: First Contact" is somehow the seventh greatest movie of all-time. But the nerd factor of the internet can't explain everything so there are quite a few other surprises. There's not one but TWO Wallace and Gromit shorts in the top 10. Cheech and Chong's "Up in Smoke" at 27. "That Thing You Do" at 35? It's a good movie but how'd that happen? The Transformers movie is on there but not the one you're thinking of... The cartoon from the 80s is on the list. So surreal.

Anyways...

3/10.
Total "Top 250" Movies Seen: 383.

IMDB 250 - Lagaan: Once Upon a Time in India (2001)

Lagaan: Once Upon a Time in India (2001)

This movie is 3 hours, 44 Minutes and 29 Seconds long. Feel free to stop reading the review now because that pretty much tells you all you need to know.

"Lagaan" is a movie about an Indian town in colonial times who challenges the Evil British to a game of cricket. If the villagers win (in a game they don't know anything about) they will not have to pay the back-breaking taxes levied on them. If they lose, they'll have to pay triple.

I say "The Evil British" because the movie makes sure to avoid all nuance and subtlety. The Good Guy is good all the time and is never not good. The Bad Guy is a mustache twirling baddy who has no redeeming qualities. In one of his first scenes, the main bad guy ("Captain Evil") meets a vegetarian and makes him eat meat. But it's against his religion, the man protests, and besides what does Captain Evil even get out of it? Nothing, but he's just pure evil and, as we need to keep the movie under 4 hours, he needs to be established as pure evil.

Following the Good Guy everywhere is the terrifically attractive Love Interest who makes her affections obvious. The Good Guy doesn't seem to notice or care. What is he thinking? Will they ever be together? Then mid-way through the movie he declares that he loves the Love Interest. Why did he not say anything before this? Because that wouldn't be contrived enough for this story.

Of course the movie ends with the climactic BIG GAME... The Big Game... of Cricket. In between song and dance numbers, the movie packs in every cliche from every terrible sports movie ever made by humans. Heightening the action slightly is that it's cricket and I have no idea what's going on. At the midway point of the match the score is 273-3 and it's not looking good for our heroes but there's always a chance that they'll make a miraculous comeback. And at that point in the movie, I knew I was nearing the end and looked at the time... still an hour left. Have you ever "neared" the end of a movie and there was still an entire hour left to go?! I have.

4/10.
Total "Top 250" Movies Seen: 380.

IMDB 250 - Like Stars on Earth (2007)

Like Stars on Earth (2007)

A boy struggles in school and in life until an inspired, vibrant teacher comes along and recognizes that he simply has dyslexia.

Well, it's tough to be cynical about a movie where a little boy realizes his potential because someone cared about him. I will say that this movie is charming and it is somewhat touching in some places. Having said that, it really isn't that good. It's cloying and obvious and filled with cookie-cutter scenes that we've all seen a thousand times. It also has too many songs and there's no reason for a dance number (yes, I know it's the cultural norm).

I wouldn't say it's awful but it's like a "very special episode" of "Growing Pains" if "Growing Pains" episodes were 3 hours long.

5/10.

Total "Top 250" Movies Seen: 372.

IMDB 250 - 3 Idiots (2009)

3 Idiots (2009)

In this Indian film, three college students go on a series of misadventures but are opposed at every turn by the crusty dean who rules with an iron fist.

This movie is awful. If you took "Animal House" and took out everything about it that's good, it would be this movie. "Saved by the Bell" was more self-aware and nuanced. "Lizzy McGuire" was more subtle in its approach to humor. Most cartoons are more smartly written.

Speaking of cartoons, this movie wisely punctuates jokes with cartoon sound effects. Did someone drop their pants? SPROING! The stodgy dean of the college has slightly crossed eyes, a comical under-bite and speaks with a lisp. In case they haven't beat you over the head with the stupid humor enough, the director's overlayed it with loud, overbearing circus music to jam that message into your skull with a jackhammer. You know that Bollywood tradition of always having musical numbers in non-musical movies? They didn't forgo that particular custom. The music and dance sequences are so bad that even cast members of "Glee" would be embarrassed.

OK, so all that amounts to a bad movie. So what? Here's the part that put me over the edge.... it's 3 hours long. Someone somewhere actually thought this dumbed-down frat boy mess needed the David Lean treatment. I don't know how or why this movie got into the IMDB 250, but I don't want to know. I just sat through 3 hours of this tripe and I'm finally done with it.

3/10.
Total Top "250" Movies Seen: 367.