Gilligan's Island - Rescue From Gilligan's Island

Rescue From Gilligan's Island (1978)

Intro

After the cancellation of the series, four made-for-TV "Gilligan's Island" specials were made. "Rescue From Gilligan's Island" is the first and most remembered. If you've ever heard rumors of "the episode where they finally get off the island", this is that show. It's part of kid lore... like the one episode of "Tom and Jerry" where Tom finally catches Jerry and eats him. It aired 11 years after the "Gilligan's Island" had been cancelled and achieved huge ratings success.

The Production

First off, they don't use a laugh track. Have you ever watched Gilligan's Island and not heard constant artificial laughter? It is weird. When people make a bad joke, and two seconds of silence follow the bad joke, it underscores the fact that it was a bad joke. Watching "Gilligan's Island" without a laugh track is like watching a football game without crowd noise. It makes no sense. It's unclear how it happened and who made that decision but it's a huge mistake.

Secondly, Tina Louise (the original Ginger) refused to be involved so, in this movie, Ginger isn't really Ginger. On the one hand, Ginger isn't the most the most important character in the world so it's not earth-shattering... but the new Ginger's acting/impression is pretty bad and does affect the show. You know what I think happened? I think when they were casting the part of Ginger, they based it on looks and not acting ability. Outrageous.

Ginger II.

Finally, something's happening with Gilligan's hair. It's kind of frightening. He's 43 years old and he's got super jet-black hair and it's cur in that weird hair-that's-short-and-long-at-the-same-time kind of thing. Is it a wig? Is it a toupé? Is it a dye job? Extensions? Who knows. Somehow, even when you're completely cut off from civilization for decades you can still have a look that's completely steeped in the fashion of the time. In academic circles they call that "Spontaneous Style Synchronicity". It is rare, but it happens. Weird, awful 70's-ness: Elvis, Roy Orbison, Luke Skywalker..... Gilligan.

How They Get Off The Island

As the movie opens, the Skipper is unable to sleep because Gilligan is snoring so loudly. Gilligan's snoring has been a problem for 15 years and the Skipper is still sleeping within a two foot radius of the blast zone. They can't solve this problem? It is early foreshadowing of how this thing is going to go intelligence-wise.

But meanwhile in Communist Russia (for real)... a Russian spy satellite is malfunctioning and the Russians are forced to shoot it down in order to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands. One of exploded remnants lands on the island and Gilligan takes it to the Professor for careful examination.

The Professor finds it to be "some strange alloy [he's] never seen before" but, with it, he can finally make an "honest-to-goodness" barometer. Having done so, he finds that a storm of catastrophic proportions is headed to the island - a storm of such huge proportions that it will wipe them all out unless they create a raft and ride the storm.

We're barely 5 minutes into the movie and already the questions are piling up. If the Professor doesn't recognize the alloy how does he know how it can be used as a barometer? How is it going to be exact - you can't calibrate it against anything? Why do you need a more accurate instrument for a more severe storm? An empty bus won't kill you any less than a full bus. I understand none of this. Sometimes "Gilligan's Island" works in mysterious ways.

BUT THE PLAN WORKS.... and the storm is so forceful it pushes their raft into shipping lanes where they may be spotted by passing ships. After a brief run-in with a shark (set to circus music, of course) and a small boat fire (Gilligan!), they are found by the Coast Guard and  towed back to civilization. This is the moment. This is what every Gilligan's Island fan has been waiting for for so long and it's amazing.

Life Off the Island

They're celebrated as heroes but pretty soon the joyfulness is over. They each go their separate ways and, back in society, they each find that life off the island is not as happy and carefree as they had dreamt. In true "Gilligan's Island" fashion, each character is given their own specific set of problems:

• The Skipper can't buy a new boat (hey guy who spent 15 years on a deserted island, I have some advice: Don't Go On Boats.) because he can't prove to the insurance company that he was faultless in the original wreck. "It's not like back on the island where we all trusted each other;" Skipper opines, "we're back in civilization - dog eat dog!"
• Ginger finds that the movie business has changed. The movies of today are filled with profanity and sexuality and she wants no part of this new Hollywood. The nerve of these Hollywood producers considering Ginger to be a sex object! That is not cool. I fully echo Ginger's outrage and I commend this movie for its stinging indictment on the morays of contemporary society. The character of Ginger is based on Marilyn Monroe so it all makes sense if you think about it.
• The Professor finds that young college-age girls of his university find him totally irresistible. Not only that, but their constant, romantic advances are interrupting his important experiments! It is rough! 

Pictured: The Professor's Personal Hell.

• The Howells find - during the extravagant meals in their giant, palatial dining room - that their friends look down on them for associating with "commoners" like Gilligan and the Skipper. Not really that much of a "problem" if you ask me, but then, I don't expect the Howell's problems to be actual problems.
• Mary Anne finds that her boyfriend (who waited faithfully over all these years for her to return) now expects a wedding. She doesn't love him but doesn't have the heart to break it off. Now this is an actual quandary. Fortunately, the Skipper discovers that this problem falls into the very narrow subset of problems known as "Problems that can be solved with a tractor." Bet you didn't think of that.

"OOOHHH, I get it!" I hear you say, "They're going to find that, after all these years of wishing they were back, the grass isn't greener - that things were actually better on the island, and now they'll all want to go back... 'Lost' style." Ah, nothing gets past you.

NO. In the end, they still choose civilization (even with all its problems) over life on an island. You see, these subplots weren't leading anywhere. They mean nothing and you were a fool to suspect otherwise. There's no logic to it, it's just a bunch of stuff that happens - and it kills valuable network time, see.

How They End Up Back on the Island

The Prime Directive of "Gilligan's Island" Law (Section 1.1.2 Bravo) states that at the end of each episode, the castaways must, somehow, remain stranded on the island. Originally, this was because the people who made the show wanted to keep their jobs. But in a one-off made-for-TV movie scenario, the shackles are off and they can end it however they want. If they still insist on keeping them on the island, it probably means that the makers of this show enjoy pain and suffering....

To celebrate their happy return to civilization, the former-castaways decide to reunite "the gang" for a commemorative Hawaiian cruise on the Skipper's new boat.

Feel free to read that sentence again.... and as slowly as you wish. Let it sink in. It was the worst decision of their collective lives, they wasted 15 years on a deserted island, and they want to get the whole gang back together again, step on a boat and recreate the exact conditions which originally caused the worst thing that ever happened to them ever. I mean, what could possibly go wrong, right?

It's Sailin' Weather!

Question: Do you suppose the Skipper EVER listens to the weather forecast? I really don't think he understands how important weather is to nautical safety.

Gilligan's Intelligence Hits a New Low

Even if the Skipper knew the first thing about maritime .... anything, the Minnow would still be lost. At all times, the crew maintained multiple redundant systems of idiocy in order to guarantee consistent and total disaster.

As they're well into their second ill-fated cruise, Gilligan reveals that before they set sail, he took the initiative to "clean" the compass. "Clean" the compass? Yeah. What does that mean? Well, there was a little piece of metal in there (aka: the magnet) that he dug out and threw away because it was clearly unnecessary. He's a 50-year-old sailor and he still doesn't know what a compass is. It's actually worse than that. Just not understanding the compass wouldn't really be a problem. But what level of braindeadedness do you have to reach to open one up and start changing things up. I don't want to think about it.

The Greatest Punchline Ever

At one point in the movie, Mr. Howell is entertaining some rich guests in his lavish home. The movie cuts to him, already mid-joke as he exclaims, "So I said - mind you, this is the funny part - you can't park it here!!!" And then everyone laughs and laughs.

This line now joins "No, but that's a real nice ski mask." as an obviously EPIC punchline with no corresponding joke.

The Skipper's a Creep

Whilst on the raft and finally headed back to the mainland, the castaways have a discussion about what they're looking forward to most. The Skipper is remaining suspiciously silent.

The Professor: Skipper, I bet I know what you're thinking about.

[The Skipper Chuckles Creepily For A Long Time And It Gets Weird.]

The Professor: That's what I thought. You've got about 15 minutes before you relieve Gilligan on watch.

The Skipper: Thanks, Professor. That's just enough time for me to go through my list of girlfriends again.

 "List of girlfriends"? When did the Skipper become such a stud that he has a list of girlfriends? And for that matter, when did the Skipper discover girls? This was never part of his character in the series. It doesn't make sense. Why introduce this character trait now that he's a stone's throw from social security benefits? He's looking forward to seeing women again, yeah? THERE WERE WOMEN ON THE ISLAND! And you did NOTHING. You twiddled your thumbs and slept beneath another man (who snored loudly). You LOSE.

And it's not an isolated exchange. Once they get back, they're surprised to hear all the things that have changed while they were away. The president is different, the lingo is different, the clothing is different. Quoth the Professor: "Yes, it seems everything has changed." Suddenly, an attractive woman, dressed only in a bikini, waves suggestively to the Skipper whilst (what can only be described as) "porn music" plays. The Skipper: "I'm certainly glad that some things haven't changed."

Pictured: What Women Want.

Creepy. Old. Man. Who decided the Skipper should be a ladies' man? Which writer's brain synapses fired that connection? He's a stud? He's an overweight, white-haired senior citizen with a sailing cap. Oh, have I got your attention, ladies? How about I sweeten the deal. What if I said he has anger management issues and a history of physical abuse? Ladies, one at a time, please!

Conclusion

"Rescue From Gilligan's Island" was actually the first of its kind. It's the first ever TV show reunion. No one had ever reunited the cast members of a cancelled show for a television special and it was such an enormous success (ever heard of a 54 share?) that it inspired executives to do it for countless other shows - a trend that continues today.

As a fan of the original series, it's nice to see them finally get off the island but all of that good will is squandered when they end up coming back to it. I'm pretty sure the folks who made this movie hate freedom. In addition, it seems that they take the already innocent and naive characters of the original series and knock an average of 50 points off each of their I.Q.s. I won't even tell you where Gilligan ends up at the end of that calculation - let's just say that his isolation in the Pacific makes America safer. It also doesn't help our perception of them that there are no canned laughs; where we might have laughed at stupidity, we are left only to despair. Yes, addition to the "Gilligan's Island" franchise is far from perfect but unfortunately, as we shall see, it only gets worse.

TGYWYHSACWAAP

Another highlight from this week's SNL was a conversation with The "Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party". In fact, I kind of do wish I had started a conversation with her at a party.



Can I sing a Negro Spiritual real quick?

Louie / Lincoln

Louis CK was the guest host on Saturday Night Live yesterday. He did a phenomenal parody of his show as Abraham Lincoln. If you're not familiar with the show "Louie" this won't make a lot of sense but it's great.

Conan Goes Halloween Shopping

Ex-Talk Show Host visited a Halloween shop and here is the result:


If the "Ex-Talk Show Host" mask is familiar to you, he pointed it out last year as well.

Who Cares Wins - Halloween Edition

Jimmy Fallon continues to find old video tapes he made for Video Vision back in the 80's. As it's so close to Halloween, Jimmy shares the Halloween video.

Late Night, Late Show - Hurricane Sandy

Both the "Late Show" with David Letterman and "Late Night" with Jimmy Fallon broadcast out of New York and both decided to go through with shows on the day of Hurricane Sandy. Both were taped WITHOUT a live studio audience and both make for interesting viewing.

Watch the Full Episode of the Late Show here.
Watch the Full Episode of Late Night here.

The Jimmy Fallon show was interesting because it's such a novelty to see the show with no audience. It's odd to hear certain cues and events happen and followed by only silence. What is old is new again. Here, Jimmy Fallon starts out with one audience member, the Mets Bucket Hat Guy, and is left with no one.



Letterman's a completely different story. The funny thing about not having the audience is how good he is at handling it. It's like a classic broadcast from the days of radio with him hosting. I'll tell you exactly what it's like - it's like, for one show, it went back twenty years to the "Late Night" days. And that's the best thing to happen in a long time. Here's the low-tech Top Ten List:



I honestly think in each case that not having an audience improves the show. Seriously.

Conan Gets Spray Tan, Cornrows

As mentioned previously, Conan visits a spray tanner, gets a spray tan and gets cornrows put in.

Similar but not as good as when Conan visited a Beauty School. Or a Day Spa.

Triumph at the Debate

Before you hit play, allow me to warn you about what you're about to see. Conan made a pledge that if people donated to a certain charity he would host an entire show in a super fake spray tan and corn rows. This is that show. Now, off you go....

Tom Hanks "Slams" "Full House"

Tom Hanks performs some Slam Poetry concerning the television show "Full House". It's a very powerful episode.


HAVE MERCY.... on Uncle Jesse.

Incidentally, Hanks' walk-on music was "My Life" by Billy Joel.

The Greatest Event in Television History

Yesterday "The Greatest Event in Television History" aired. I assume everyone saw it because, well, how could you miss the greatest event in television history?

But for the sake of completeness, and because it's such a giant deal, I'll post it here.




RIP Jon Hamm.

Late Night - Christopher Walken

Christopher Walken was on Late Night last night. Admittedly, the interview is more informative than funny but I enjoyed it.

They talk about the "Cowbell" sketch, "The Continental" and touch on Chris' career as a child performer.

To play him on, the Roots played a version of "Don't Fear the Reaper" which featured 80% cowbell and 20% rest of the song. Excellent.


Part 1:


Part 2:


Part 3:

Jimmy Fallon on Letterman

Last week, Jimmy Fallon was a guest on the "Late Show" with David Letterman. There is no link released by the Late Show that encompasses the entire interview so here is the youtube.

Jimmy and Dave talk about working at NBC, Jimmy's new feud with Bruce Jenner and Jimmy does his Neil Young (the second guest).



When Dave labels Bruce Jenner as a famous athlete, the audience laughs. I can't decide if this is disturbing. Do people not know that anymore?

Jerry Seinfeld During the Break

Last time Jerry Seinfeld was on "Late Night", him and Jimmy had fun during the break answering questions from the audience and generally goofing around. So they decided to do it again. Hopefully this is a new tradition.



The "Real" Jimmy Fallon is intense, man.

IMDB 250 8.3 - The Avengers (2012)

The Avengers (2012)

Plot: Okay, so there's this guy who's like a guy or a god - or an alien? or a god alien - and he comes from another dimension or another planet or he's from Earth originally - but he's from somewhere else now. I think he uses a portal of energy - is it a blackhole? - I think they describe it as a door. And he can erase people's brains or steal their soul or something.... and Samuel L. Jackson is there and he causes it somehow.... Maybe he doesn't. Aw, Hell, I don't know....

Plot: Hulk Smash!

I was never into comic books and, of the movies preceding "The Avengers", I've only seen "Iron Man". That means there's a lot I don't know about who the characters are and what they do. And there's a lot  I don't know about their backstory and what the hell any of what they're doing really means. That means there are a few chunks of plot exposition that I don't follow at all - a sizable detraction from the enjoyment. But the bottom line is that when the fists start flying, it's supremely obvious who the good guys are and who the bad guys are.

One of the aspects of action movies that's become tiresome and cliche is the need for "comic relief". It isn't enough that James Bond offs a dude, he has to make a bad pun afterwards to no one in particular. One of the great things about this movie is that the jokes work. Credit to Joss Whedon, the humor is smart and genuinely funny. Part of the reason the humor works is because the characters work as well. Behind the explosions and CGI, we get a sense of these very different personalities, all coming together and agreeing, disagreeing, squabling, getting on each other's nerves and everything else a family is supposed to do.

In short, this movie is exactly what it's supposed to be - it's a fun summer "popcorn" movie. It's a big-budget special effects escapist blockbuster. It's exciting, it's loud and it's engaging. Of course, no one really needs my review because everyone's already seen it.

8/10.
Total Top "250" Movies Seen: 364.

Movie Review: We Made This Movie

We Made This Movie (2012)

A group of high-school kids attempt to make a prank/stunt comedy a la Tom Green or "Jackass". As they increasingly discover that they don't know what they're doing and, more importantly, they discover that the movie they're making sucks. But as the movie sucks, the documentary feature about the making of the movie emerges as the story really worth telling. This is that movie.

Posing as a documentary film made by kids, starring young unknowns, shown for free on the internet and released only on itunes - the movie is very much an "independent" movie and, who knows, probably represents an entirely new model for making and releasing movies.

As with "Swingers" or "Diner" most of the comedy comes from the interplay between the young characters with a good deal of improvisation sprinkled in. Particularly as "stunts" go awry, the characters are overheard making witticisms about how much they suck and how stupid they look. Here, the movie feels like an extended video on "Funny or Die" or "Cracked.com" - they're a little too witty, a little too slick to be believed as real people. The illusion is everything. It's easy to laugh at a real person;  but harder to laugh at actors trying to be funny.

But it's when the movie turns from comedy to drama that it really picks up steam. The movie within the movie isn't just a goof, we learn, it's a flailing attempt for a future - any future. It's a desperate attempt to escape their small town and be better than their parents. Just as in the best teen movies ("Cemetery Junction", "The Breakfast Club"), the characters face a future of uncertainty - they're not sure what they want to be as much as they're sure about what they don't want to be. Maybe chickens aren't destined to fly but the question is: do they have to end up in a cage?

6/10.

Conan Reviews Video Games - Resident Evil 6

In a regular segment called "Clueless Gamer", Conan, a clueless gamer, reviews video games. This week he reviews the yet-to-be-released "Resident Evil 6".


I love that springy thumbs up, I'm gonna start using that if I can.


Rating System:
Scale of 1 to 1500
1400 - Not So Good
1100 - Fantastic
Less Than Zero - Better

Rating: 35

Letterman to Receive Kennedy Center Honors

It was announced that David Letterman will be one of the Kennedy Center Honorees this year. The award, given to those who have contributed significantly to the cultural life of our nation and the world".

Also honored will be Dustin Hoffman, Buddy Guy, a ballerina and Led Zeppelin. Interesting.

Read more about it here. The ceremonies will air December 2nd on CBS.

Conan - Wife Auditions

Few people know that Conan actually found his present wife by holding open auditions. Here, Conan shows the video tapes.



OK, obviously this is just a comedy piece. In the mood for some irony?

Here's something the other tour guides won't tell you... Conan actually DID meet his wife by way of a comedy piece.

In 2000, Conan did a bit where he hired an ad agency to make a local commercial and that's where he met his wife. And that's a fact, Jack. Here it is:



Is it creepy that I know that? Probably.

Harry Kalas and 9/11

Rad - Top Ten Script Anomalies (5-1)

The Final Script to "Rad" has been uploaded to the internet.
The movie itself has been uploaded to youtube.

This post continues what was started in Part 1 - counting down my own personal Top Ten differences between the script for "Rad" and the final film.

Let's begin.

#5. No "Hollywood" Mike Moranda, Others

OK, the movie used real BMXers playing themselves for the final race (Hell Track). The script has none of that. No Kevin Hull, no Kirk Bihun, no Eddie Fiola, no Danny Millwee! I could live without all of those (barely)... but one thing I will not stand for is no "Hollywood" Mike Moranda.

Without "Hollywood" Mike Moranda, we are robbed of not one, but two dramatic exits in one day. Unacceptable, Rad script. Unacceptable. Oh, there are still plenty of wipeouts. The entire Hell Track race is a war of attrition. But it all looks like this:

Stuart Craine?! Are you serious?! Even a cursory glance at the text reveals it to be movie poison - poison that would destroy everything the film had built to that point. It obviously lacks both drama and that classic Hollywood sparkle. Fortunately, the makers of the movie rectified this clear oversight and did so just in time to prevent a chain reaction of cause-and-effect that could've dramatically exitted THE WORLD.

#4. The Continuity Mistake... Is In The Script!

Here's a weird one.

In the final race, at 1:21:20, the sequence goes as follows:

1. After one lap Cru is in front.
2. Cru fans are devastated. One yells, "GET UP!"
3. Cru is taken out by Rod Reynolds and crashes.

See, the fans react to him wiping out BEFORE he wipes out. It's clearly a continuity error and it's one I love to point out to the empty chair beside me as I watch "Rad" in the basement.

But here's the weird part.... it's written in the script! The script has the continuity error. Watch:

I know what you're thinking: "Recede from my face?" But put that aside, the point is the continuity. They clearly react to a wipeout before it actually occurs.

Now, arguably the text could interpreted to mean that they're reacting negatively because they are worried - worried something bad will happen, and then it does. Perhaps. But it seems pretty unlikely that someone would say, "Poor Cru." just because he's battling for first and in a tight spot. I've never seen football fans, at a game, start booing before the ball comes down from the air.

#3. Totally Different Track = No Hulk Hogan

There are some similarities between the script's Hell Track and the film's Hell Track and there are many differences as well. I won't go into all of them. Generally, the script describes sections such as "Lucifer's Lane" ( a "seventy-five yard strip of black sand"), "Freedom of Choice" (a split in the track where riders can choose one of two paths) and "Purgatory's Pools" ("two pools divided by an eight foot black wall").

The film's "Cliffhanger" where, as in baseball, you're either safe or you're out, is nowhere to be found in the script. But the biggest difference, in terms of consequences to world history, is the absence of the giant Kix Bowl. The absence of this obstacle combined with the fact that, as I already mentioned in Part 1, Cru is eating Lucky Charms in the lumberyard means that the "Rad" script goes 0/2 on Kix references.

Is that a big problem? Well, with no Kix Bowl, Cru has no springboard from which to do a back-flip! Indeed, the script contains no corresponding moment to that which occurs in the film. This means that if "Rad" had gone by the letter of the script, Hulk Hogan would have never had to eat his heart out and who knows how history would have changed as a result.

#2. The Deleted Scenes

I've already written extensively about the Deleted scenes of "Rad". But are they in the script? And if so, are they different?

Well,

• All the scenes of the kids being pissed off that Cru is being screwed are in the script (pp 79-80).
• The scene of Bart getting drunk and acting stupid is in the script (77-78).
• Cru being given a new bike specifically to race Hell Track - NOT in the script.

The only deleted scene I remember and the one I most care about is the one that isn't in the script. Not only can I not find it anywhere to watch it, but I can't even read about it.

Does my memory deceive me? Was it all a dream? Well, I still have IMDB as an independent confirmation... but this mystery continues...

#1. The End

Spoiler Alert!

So we should all know by now how the movie ends:

1.) Rod Reynolds takes out Cru, giving Bart a large lead.
2.) Bart and the Reynolds twins are running first, second, third.
3.) Bart takes out Rod Reynolds (good night, team strategy!).
4.) Bart stops and lets Cru catch up in order to race one-on-one.
5.) They run neck-and-neck until Cru does an unnecessary and risky 360 just to show off.
6.) Cru still wins somehow.

That's how it happened. But that's not how the script ends it!

First off, #1 and #2 are the same in both the movie and the script. Neither really explains what happens to Rex Reynolds. He's in second or third place and then he's never mentioned again. My theory is that he fell into a blackhole. See, the spacesuit he's wearing at the big dance was foreshadowing.

After that, it isn't Bart that takes out Rod, it's Cru. He catches up, takes away Rod's line and then this happens:

WHOAH. Carnage.
"Could we just show a few racers running over his limp body and allow the audience to imagine the rest?"
"NO. The audience will see a full ten tramplings in one long 2 minute shot. This must happen."
"Won't that interrupt, you know, the movie's momentum?"
"NO. Lifeless body trampling - do it."
"This is a kid's movie, right?"

Next, just as in #3 above (except Rex instead of Rod), Bart takes out Rex's front tire in order to take Cru one-on-one. But he doesn't wait up. Cru still catches up to Bart but only through grit, moxy, vitamins and 24-inch pythons.

So then Duke Best is all:

I think I found my Christmas card for this year.

So, then Bart and Cru race side-by-side. They simultaneously go over a gnarly jump and...

With the rest of the pack way behind, the race comes down to who will swallow the pain, get up and will their bike over the line first.

Cru...

Instead of a majestic explosion across the finish line, it's a clumsy stumble on foot. It almost feels like "Rad" predicts "Cool Runnings". Something tells me I wouldn't have liked that ending as much, watching it as a kid.

And Finally....

It doesn't differ much from what's on screen but no discussion of the "Rad" script would be complete without posting the written text of the most important and powerful speech ever given....

It makes me cry every time. The emotion is altered somewhat in the script. In the script, right after Sgt. Smith finishes the speech he's knocked out and run over by 19 motorcycles.

Serious Jibber-Jabber - Edmund Morris

Conan has a new web series where he sits down with people and does lengthy, completely serious interviews about potentially serious subjects. It's called "Serious Jibber-Jabber" and his first guest on the series is Presidential Biographer Edmund Morris.

Edmund Morris wrote biographies of Theodore Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan. Conan loved the three-book biography of Roosevelt so much, he had him on his show. You could tell that it was one of the interviews in which he was actually interested in the guest. Perhaps just having 5 minutes to talk to him was a main reason for starting this series.

Note: in case you haven't realized already, this isn't a comedy piece and it's 47 minutes long. I likes it.

IMDB 250 8.2 - Papillon (1973)

Papillon (1973)

"Welcome to the penal colony of French Guiana, whose prisoners you are and from which there is no escape."

As two prisoners are being transported to the penal system in French Guiana and make a deal. Papillon (Steve McQueen) will protect the more fragile Louis Dega (Dustin Hoffman) and, in exchange, Dega will finance Papillon's prison escape.

The plot sounds like "The Great Escape" but it's actually closer to "Lawrence of Arabia". It's long, it's big and it's long. There are long sequences portraying long stretches of solitary confinement in a dark cell. There are long sequences portraying the attempted escape from prison. There are long sequences depicting what happens after that (not spoiling anything). And there are long sequences showing what happens after that. Like "Lawrence of Arabia", this movie has an "epic" feel to it - they're going to tell you a larger than life story and it doesn't matter if it takes longer than life to tell it.

The main strength of this movie is the acting. Dustin Hoffman is always good but Steve McQueen is phenomenal. Here, he gets to display a huge range of emotions and states from "old age" to "crazy" to "sick and at the point of death". And you'll never catch him "acting". Every second feels authentic. I was already a fan going in, and this movie only made me more of one.

For the first half of the movie one might think it's about the human spirit and human determination. But by the end, one can't help but wonder if it's really about obsession and insanity. And where does one draw the line?

7/10.
Total Top "250" Movies Seen: 363.

Rad - Top Ten Script Anomalies (10-6)

The Final Script to "Rad" has been uploaded to the internet. The movie itself has been uploaded to youtube. What does it this mean? It means that everyone in the world can watch the movie while following along with their own copy of the script, noting any differences between the two. Anyone in the world can do it and I expect everyone in the world will.

But just in case they don't, I've compiled my own list. The movie and the script differ in innumerable ways, some minor, some fairly sizable, listing all of them is a job best left to the world of academia. Let someone else get a doctoral thesis out of it. Nevertheless, I've compiled a list of the "top ten" that are the most significant in my opinion.

This article will focus on #10 through #6.

#10. Cru Is Always Drinking Beer

Cru is supposed to be the prototypical all-American kid living in America. The script is very explicit that he's in high school (what with those scenes of him in high school and all). And yet, in the script he's constantly drinking beer. Coors to be specific.

Dude's pouring beer in his Lucky Charms! Not just beer but beer in cereal. That's hardcore. And it's only breakfast time.

How are you gonna walk Hell Track when your balance is compromised from alcohol?! The above snippet is from the scene where the gang is hanging out in the lumber yard just before Sgt. Smith arrives. But that's not the only time in the script that he's seen drinking. When it looks like Cru won't get to race Hell Track and he's at his lowest ebb, he's seen back in the lumber yard, back in the shack, drowning his sorrows in more Coors.

There's your lesson, kids!

#9. Sgt. Smith's Full Name

In the movie, the legend of Sgt. Smith follows naturally from the mystery of Sgt. Smith. Is he man or machine? Does he have a home? Does he ever take off his police uniform? Was he born or was he built in a lab from the parts of lesser policemen? Who knows. We only see him without his aviator sunglasses one time, and only at the very end of the movie. That means that by the end of the movie we've only learned that he has eyes.

But that's why it's so interesting that the script contains a small morsel of extra information.... his name!

Eugene?! Eugene T.... One question answered but another raised: what does the "T" stand for? I say it's "Thunder".

Look at that character description. One definitely gets the feeling that he's intended to be more of a "bad guy" in the script than in the movie. But, of course, that would make this all the more eerie:

#8. The Origin of the Phrase "Balls Out"

"Cru! You can do it. Just pretend you're in a lumberyard.... Go balls out."

It's one of the, if not the, most important Rad quotations. A group of NASA Engineers studied it for two years before deeming it the greatest movie quote of all-time and said that it single-handedly lead to several important technological advancements - each of which enabled BMX tricks to be more gnarly in some way.

The main thing that makes it stand out is that it's so insanely random.There's no reason a grizzled policeman should be using the phrase "balls out" to a teenager. There's no reason any adult should be using the phrase "balls out" to anyone. I shouldn't even be typing it now.

"Balls out."

But the script can explain it... kind of. Here's the scene where Cru IS in the lumber yard, just as they begin to play the "cat and mouse" game with Sgt. Smith:

The movie (and script) lead us to believe that their Sgt. Smith/lumberyard shenanigans are not a one-time occurrence. This is an ongoing, regular game. And it's also quite conceivable that Cru regularly shouts the phrase "Balls out!!!" to his fellow competitors as the start signal. So it's much more natural, then, to think that when the final race is about to start, Eugene isn't reaching that particular phrase just from the top of his head. He's showing that he's "down with the kids" by repeating Cru's own phrase back to him. It's encouragement and it's an inside joke at the same time.

So in light of the script, it doesn't feel so weird anymore. So then later, during the Hell Track race:

Hmm, nope, it just got weird again.

#7. Cru's Name Isn't Christopher

All throughout the movie, everyone consistently calls Cru, "Cru". There's only a single allusion to the fact that "Cru" is just a nickname. In the scene where Cru is trying to convince his mom that she should allow him to race Hell Track, he gives her the "Dad always said, 'When your gut talks to you, you listen.'" argument. To which she replies, "Aw, Christopher, that won't wash with me. Just because he's dead that doesn't mean that anything has changed."

Uh... well.... are you sure that his death hasn't changed anything?! Nothing at all? I'll be honest, it really should change some things... quite a few things, in fact.

Oh, anyway, from that small moment, a small bit of Rad trivia is born: Cru's real name is Christopher. Or is it? Here's what that exchange looks like in the script:

It's gone! And the name "Christopher" never shows up anywhere. Going from only the script, Cru's name is indeterminate. That line must have been added later - perhaps on the day of shooting.

If you ask me, there's a strange bit of symmetry going on. Sgt. Smith's name is ONLY in the script. Cru's name is ONLY in the movie. Perhaps both the script and movie are coordinated to be viewed as halves of a cohesive whole. Each is one piece of a greater puzzle. If you ask me, we are through the looking glass and there's no telling how far this thing goes.

#6. No Skull Kid

Rad experts agree that "The Skull Kid", as he's most commonly known, is the single most mysterious element in the entire movie "Rad". To see the Skull Kid, see this small moment here.

From the existing film footage, let's list exactly what we know:

1) An unnamed teenager approaches a desk.
2) He places a human skull on the desk.
3) He says, "Thank you."
4) He walks away.

That's what we know. That's ALL we know.

It's inexplicable. It's unexplainable. If you think about it too long, blood will come out of your ears. It's kept me up nights, that's the God's-honest truth. But it's all for naught. There's no way to rationalize it. It's an eternal mystery.

That is, unless the script can provide some sort of insight that can't be gleaned from the movie.... Here's that exact moment as described in the script:

SON OF A BUSINESS. That's it?! The script doesn't just echo the same information, it deletes information. That moment is not in the script at all. We have to assume, as elsewhere, that that moment was invented on the day of shooting (or at least sometime after the final script). But who would do such a thing and why?

Rad's greatest mystery remains just that...

Conan - Brian McCann Leaves

Thursday was the last show of writer Brian McCann who's been a mainstay of the show for 17 years.

Here, Conan says goodbye:


As he says, for legal reasons they can't play most of his highlights but they can link to them at teamcoco.com/mccann.

On a personal note, two of the characters Conan mentions on the show happen to be from youtube clips that I've uploaded. Yet, those are also not videos linked to on the official website. Dang.

Personal Favorites: Raisin, Preperation H Raymond and The Guy with Bulletproof Legs. But there have been so many over the years, that I feel if I thought about it for a while, I'd come up with a million of them. I think of him as the Chris Elliot of Conan's "Late Night". It's a big loss for the show.

Flight of the Conchords - Feel Inside

The Flight of the Conchords are tasked with creating a song for a children's charity. Awesomeness ensues.



I think "The kids that are sick can't do hip hop anymore" is my new favorite sentence. I want to begin every conversation that way. That, and I've started using the work "collusion" in everyday sentences. I can't stop watching.

Note Jemaine's "WHOAH" at 1:41 is perfect.

IMDB 250 8.1 - La Haine (1995)

La Haine (1995)

A French film, "La Haine" follows three inner-city youths over the course of a single day.

They buy drugs, they acquire a gun, they get hassled by the police, they argue, they steal. Recently, a guy from the neighborhood was beaten up by the cops so bad that he may die in the hospital. One of the guys says that if that happens, he may kill a cop in retaliation.

It's gritty, it's dirty, it's in your face, it's "street". You know what this movie is like? It's a French version of a Spike Lee film. It's extremely-well acted with characters that are completely believable and yet I don't care for them because they're all morons in different ways. Perhaps they serve as characters that I should look down on and feel sorry for. Unlikely, but conceivable. But over the course of an hour and a half or two hours, at some point, that's not entertainment anymore. The reason they're miserable isn't due to their circumstances or origins... it's because they're fools. They deserve their circumstances.

This movie is from the 90s so it's allowed to be dated. And like I said, it's very similar to a Spike Lee film and Spike Lee is an acclaimed director - so perhaps it deserves some acclaim. But not from me. Real talk.

5/10.
Total Top "250" Movies Seen: 362.

Movie Review: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (1966)

Candy manufacturer Willy Wonka once said, "The suspense is terrible. I hope it'll last." Sergio Leone's style could be described this way. Gun fights are naturally un-cinematic - they're over in a second or two. So what Leone does is extend the silence before the fight, drawing out the tension like a blade and then drawing it out some more.

Ennio Morricone's score is perfect - it's opera meets comic book. He doesn't just write a great score, he creates music with a sound unlike everything else that had come before. It's an orchestra, it's hyena yells, anvil clanks, gutteral yelps and electric guitar. It's fantastic and it's totally unique.

I liked this movie the first time I saw it but at 3 hours, I didn't like it enough to want to watch it again. But it's infectious - the whole style gets in the bloodstream. It's extreme closeups of fat, sweaty faces, wide panoramas, hands inching towards guns... and of course the music.

8/10.

Rob Burnett on Late Night

Rob Burnett was on Late Night last night. He started as an intern for Letterman in the 80's and worked his way up to the point where he's the head of Worldwide Pants Inc.

When Jimmy first got the job at Late Night, Conan O'Brien gave him a giant, fake pickle. Rob Burnett sheds light on where it came from and what it means as well as debuts long lost footage of Questlove on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fantastic.

Part1:

Part2:


If I was going to name this blog today, "Comedy Pickle" wouldn't be a bad choice.

Summertime

This post comes just a little late. But I didn't think of it until recently. To me, the song "II BS" by Charles Mingus IS the summer. It's the musical form of the experience of a sun that's just too bright and a day that's just too hot and the only available options are a glass of lemonade and a car ride with the windows down.

Charles Mingus - II BS

Conan and Andy vs. Dream Team 2032

Conan and Andy decide to settle one of the classic sports debates - who's the better basketball team, Team Coco or the Dream Team of 2032?



"Do we let the wolf in?"
"No, don't let him in."
"Don't let him in."

Conan: Glengarry Glen Ross Auditions

Just a few days after I post a movie review of "Glengarry Glen Ross", Conan's made a new video which features Shaq auditioning for exactly that movie. Coincidence? Or could it be that I'm affecting the show?

You decide.



Oh yeah, Shaq, you're up a few and you think you're wearing the big boy pants? If you don't like my performance I walk across the street and talk to Jerry Graff... PERIOD. END OF DISCUSSION. You know what, no, screw that. I'm going... TO LEMKIN... you fairy.

The 100 Meters Track

As the Olympics are going on and as the Track and Field events have just started I was reminded of this gem from several years ago. "The Games" was an Australian mockumentary series about the fictional inner workings of the government as it prepares for the 2000 Sydney Games.

From this series, "The 100 Meters Track" is the most youtubable moment and it's a classic. Skip to 4:49.



Part 2.

I had this recorded on VHS for years and I'd of uploaded it to youtube myself if someone hadn't beaten me to it. By the way, if this looks familiar somehow, it's probably because you've already seen this.

Conan Reviews Video Games - Skyrim

Another edition of "Clueless Gamer". This week, Conan reviews the game "Skyrim" and searches for love/commerce.

Late Night - Fallon and Cosby Do A Routine

I get the feeling that Bill Cosby is Jimmy's favorite guest. He's old, he's slower, he rambles, some things he says don't make sense, he's unpredictable and he makes Jimmy sweat... a lot. But you get the feeling that Fallon loves every second of it because he knows he's in the presence of a comedy legend. Perhaps the comedy legend.

Perhaps for that reason, the interview is four parts long. I reccomend the whole thing but if, if you only watch one segment watch the fourth one where Bill and Jimmy work out a comedy routine that never quite happens.

Part 1.
Part 2.
Part 3.
Part 4.

Part 4:

The Forrest Gump Feather

When I saw "Forrest Gump" for the first time, I considered the opening image (the feather floating in a breeze) to be just a flourish - almost showing off what they can do with special effects.

But one thing I learned about Robert Zemeckis (the director) from the Back to the Future commentary is he doesn't believe special effects are not an end unto themselves. Special effects are only a tool to further the story.

So what's with the opening to "Forrest Gump", then?

In the movie's climax, Forrest visits Jenny's grave and tells her his view of life:

"I don't know if Momma was right or if, if it's Lieutenant Dan. I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time."


Lt. Dan believes we each have a destiny (pre-destination). Momma believes "we make our own destiny" and that "life is a box of chocolates" (free will). Forrest believes both.


The feather on a breeze flitters and floats this way and that. It's the very definition of random. But, with every twist of the breeze and every change of wind, the sum of all random chance, every possibility and every improbability is that it's exactly where it should be.

VCR Alert: Late Night Primetime Special

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon gets its first ever primetime special tonight.

Rather than the normal, "Best Of" clip show, it's actually a "Best Of Music Comedy" special. It'll feature all the songs you've seen on this blog. This includes both artist impersonations (Bob Dylan, The Doors, David Bowie), as well as comedic performances with actual artists (Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen, The Roots, Justin Timberlake and so forth).

The special airs tonight at 10 PM EST.

Conan Reviews Video Games - Minecraft

Yesterday Conan started a new segment where he plays and reviews the latest video games. Of course,
Conan doesn't play video games...



One surprise: not a SINGLE comment about how it looks like "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straits. I thought that was a given. And, on a personal level, that's the main selling point.

Rating System:
88 - Pretty Good
110 - Excellent
150 - Awful
3 - Not Bad

Rating: 26C

Movie Review: Glengarry Glen Ross

Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)

Four salesmen in a real-estate office are told that for the next two weeks they'll be competing to make the most sales. First prize is a car, runner-up gets a set of steak knives, third and fourth prize is... you're fired.

A screenplay written by David Mamet and basically an-all-Oscar cast: Al Pacino, Jack Lemmon, Kevin Spacey, Alan Arkin, Ed Harris, Alec Baldwin. There is no forest among the trees - the movie yields no definable emotion (other than a general sense of dread and desperation) and no likable characters (per se). It is simply an assembled collection of amazing scenes and the enjoyment that comes from watching lowlifes in suits yell at each other.

The reason to watch this movie - the reason to re-watch this movie - is to see an all-star ensemble with a meaty script where every single actor knocks it out of the park. Watch a cast of legends and watch Jack Lemmon be even better.

7/10.

Late Night - Emmy Nominated

Congratulations to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon for being nominated for an Emmy award in the category "Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series".

Not nominated: "Conan" and "The Late Show".

Meanwhile, "The Daily Show" is also nominated and it's a good bet to win the award since it's won the award 8 years in a row. I'll always remember 2003 as the year comedy died.

The "Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series" category does not contain Conan, Letterman OR Fallon in order to make room for the likes of Bill Maher.

And this is why I stopped caring about the Emmys, Oscars and Grammys. They're too stupid to think or care about.

Batman : The Criminal Surmises

Blog Issue #398 - Batman: The Criminal Surmises

Summer Issue. 10¢.

Before I begin my remarks, I'd like to thank you all for coming here today. In addition to the Confederacy of Criminals, the Scofflaw Society and Ne'er Do Well Nation, we have joining us today, The Penguin, The Joker, Catwoman, The Riddler and Bane (who I've never heard of before but who, I'm assured by others, has some sort of significant history with Batman). We are honored to have you here.

[Polite Applause]

Gentlemen, you all know too well the problem of the Bat Man. He has foiled every plot, he's ruined every scheme and every attack against him thus far has failed. In short, he's been a thorn in our side for too long. And that is why I've come up with a plan to get rid of our problem permanently. That's right. I have a plan to kill the Bat Man.

[General Audience Surprise: "Rhubarb Rhubarb Hubbub Rhubarb".]

Settle down. It can't be that surprising. It really can't be. Gentlemen, the plan is simple. The plan is perfect. And the plan is...

[Clears Throat.]

We shoot him .... in the face.

[General Audience Disbelief: "Hubbub Rhubarb Rhubarb"]

Settle down, settle down. Please now draw your attention to the photo I have here - (Figure 1-A).

[Figure 1-A.]

As you can see, "Batman" wears a special suit that's of such advanced technology, it renders anyone wearing it totally bulletproof. However the suit design has one distinct flaw: uh, it's this giant area around his face. Generally, the more you cover yourself with special bulletproof material, the more bulletproof you become. Batman, for some reason, has decided that "100% invincibility" is too much. He's decided, instead, to make himself about 95% invincible.

[General "Impressed" Sounds]

[Under His Breath] Oh, geez. 

Yes, I agree, that is a very high percentage, gentlemen. But you might notice that as high a percentage as it is, it still leaves %5 of his body totally vulnerable to attack.... the 5% being his fat face.... His face is exposed..... You can hurt his face!  There's nothing there. All you have to do is shoot his face!

[...]

[A Long Sigh]

Look, in the past, we've tried every kind of attack from knives, to acid, to flamethrowers, mind control devices, genetic mutation, the ideas were virtually limitless. We've tried so many different types of attack that I've gotten the distinct impression - talking to you all - that the general consensus is "we've tried everything". In fact, I remember in the 60's it was a bizarre mixture of overly elaborate Rube Goldberg devices and just going straight at him with our fists. But the 60s were a confusing time for everybody and I digress...

A million methods tried and failed and yet all we had to do all this time was have someone, with any semblance of aim, balance or luck, point a gun and fire at the one part of his body that is totally vulnerable to virtually any harming thing. A gun is the best method but a bow and arrow will do. How about a blowgun? A rock in a sling would work. Ever heard of a laser sight? Heck, if you have a sniper rifle, you don't even need to be on the same block! It's so simple, it's absolutely unbelievable that no one's done this yet! You see?! We can defeat him and it wouldn't be that hard.

I'll now open it up for questions.... Yes, you in the hood!

.....Uh huh.... Yeah... Right, right.

Okay, in case you didn't hear, the question was "What about shooting him in the back?". The answer is No. That will not work. That falls under the "bulletproof" area that I talked about before. Thanks. Anyone else? Yes, you in the back!

.. Uh huh.....uh?....... ahh...... mmkay...

Okay, the question was "What about putting him in a machine that reflects and magnifies sound in ever increasing increments...." and then it went on from there, I don't know if I caught all of it but.... No. A million times, No. I can't tell you enough how much that plan is bound to fail. Really. Believe me. (Under his breath) This is getting sad. Anyone else?

...Mmm. ......Okay... Right.

Okay, the question was "What about a boomerang with some sort of attachment that shoots shrink-rays and has anyone tried that already?" Look, I don't know. It's certainly possible that someone has, I'm no historian... but I assure you without even thinking about it that it won't work. It hasn't worked, it won't work and I don't think you've heard a word I've said. Unless you meant to throw it at his face, was that the question?... No? Okay, then, no.

I'm wondering if this has all been a waste of everyone's time. I think this is a good time to break for lunch. Please enjoy the complimentary buffet and we'll meet back here at 1:30 to do some workshopping.

[A Smattering of Applause]

Conan - Campaign Slogans

Conan unveils some of the new campaign slogans that Joe Biden is floating:



I think "In the Long Run, We'll All Be Dead" has legs, baby!

Rad - Where Are The Deleted Scenes?

Prologue

"Rad" is a BMX racing movie made in 1986. The people who witnessed it generally divide their lives into two parts: pre-Rad and post-Rad. Critics and scholars have widely hailed it as man's greatest achievement. If you don't know what I'm talking about, stop now. Go rent it and then continue.

Backstory

In the early 2000s, me and a friend started talking about the movie "Rad". After going back and forth with dueling quotes and reminiscences of the movie, I remembered, "Yeah, and before the big race Cru gets the new Murray from the guy's store."
"No."
"What?"
"That's not in Rad". My friend was absolutely unequivocal.
"Yeah, sure it is. He's going into the big race and he gets a new bike for free."
"No. Trust me. I basically have the entire movie memorized and I'm telling you, that doesn't happen."

It had been years since I saw the movie so I relented. An additional watch of the movie revealed he had every reason to be so confident - there is no such scene in the movie. It was an open and shut case, yet if that's not in "Rad", what was I remembering?

Mystery Solved

Some time later, we looked up "Rad" on IMDB and the situation became apparent. IMDB has an  "Alternate Versions" entry for "Rad" which says the following:

"Scenes included in the final airing on the Canadian cable movie station Superchannel, but absent from the home video version; a short sequence, actually made up of three different scenes, right after the confrontation at the Rad Racing T-Shirt stand. These scenes are:

• Luke is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. His father tells him it isn't the end of the world. He excuses himself from the table.
• Amy is sitting in her room listening to music when her mother comes in. They have a short exchange where her mother scolds her for acting childish. An unnamed boy storms out of his house late at night.
• A drunken Bart Taylor stumbles into the restaurant where Cru works just as it's closing. Shouting, Bart challenges him to a one-on-one race, since Cru has been disqualified from HellTrack. Bart winds up falling over and doing a face plant into a piece of pie on the table where Sgt. Smith is sitting.
• Cru thanks Mr. Pratt for him and the town getting behind him and supporting Rad Racing. Mr. Pratt gives Cru a brand new bike from his store.

All of the characters from the deleted scenes are listed in the credits on the home video version."
[Erroneous "deleted" scene removed, spelling mistakes corrected, etc.]

Note: For what it's worth, I even remember an additional detail not listed on IMDB - the "bike" was a Murray.

The Missing VHS Link

That scene wasn't an invention of my imagination - I had simply seen a version of the movie with the "deleted scenes" still intact. Except the IMDB page says those scenes were only on Canadian Cable and absent from the VHS version. The problem is, I wasn't watching on Canadian cable. I've never seen Canadian cable. I've never been to Canada. I saw those scenes on a VHS copy from a local video rental store.

The key to tracking down the "extended" version of the movie would be to simply go back to that store. Unfortunately, like most small video rental businesses, it went out of business long ago.

But I have no reason to believe some local yokel video place is special (REAL special). If they had an alternate version of the movie, surely there are others out there? I'd think so but despite lots of searching, I've never found one. I've not found one, I've never even talked to anyone that saw one,  I've never even talked to anyone who knew anyone else that saw one. Nothing on youtube. No results even from Google There are entire websites devoted to the movie that don't have one word to say on the subject. The only source of information that a VHS version of "Rad" with the deleted scenes even exists is my memory.

A Call To Break The Ice

As a "Rad" fan, I really want to recover the lost footage and see those deleted scenes. I imagine every fan would. But randomly buying VHS copies of the movie and hoping to buy just the right copy (though awesome), would be ridiculously expensive. I don't know what the odds are (or even if there are any odds at all), but I have to imagine it's like playing the lottery. In short, finding this tape on chance alone would take a radical miracle.

Other than the aforementioned IMDB page, this blog is the only other page on the internet about this subject. So I'm throwing it out to anyone with any information. Have you ever seen the deleted scenes? Do you know someone who has? Do you have any information whatsoever about the existence of VHS versions with the deleted scenes included? Do you own a copy? Could I buy it? Do you have any information about this subject whatsoever?

Leave a comment. Let's find this sucker.

Gilligan's Island - Continuity

The phrase "I've found an error in 'Gilligan's Island'" is a difficult idea to parse. The show lives in a world where logic, reason and science break free from objective bonds and become loose, relative concepts. So for the purposes of this article, I could say that I've found a continuity error in "Gilligan's Island". Even though that would make more sense, it's still not exactly something to add to the old resume. So what about this: I've found a continuity error in every single episode of "Gilligan's Island". Still not good enough? Too bad, that's what I got.

The opening theme plays, of course, before every episode. If you're making a TV show, it's easy to see why it would be important to be meticulous with the opening theme - it's the one sequence that's going to be repeated every time an episode is on the air (which is hopefully quite a lot). You make a mistake here and the error gets compounded and multiplied. "Gilligan's Island" has just such an error and, as you're about to see, it's an obvious, glaring mistake and it's been right there all the time, right under your nose.

Everyone knows how the opening them goes, "Just sit right there and you'll hear a tale...". It's probably one of the most recognized themes of all-time. We're introduced to the character and the situation and the entire set up to the show in a short song. Within this sequence, the first time we see the boat, the S.S. Minnow, we see this:

Ah. The S.S. Minnow has "S.S. Minnow" written on the side. Clever. Note: it's on the front half, on the right (the starboard side of the bow). For confirmation, we next see this longer shot:

Bam. There it is. So far, so good. Next, they set sail for what we all hope will be a three hour tour. I hope they make it this time. Here's what it looks like:

Note that the boat has (for lack of a technical term) an "upper deck". There are people "below" and people "above". In "inaccurate" terms, it's got two stories. I'd guess (based on what we see later) that  the upper deck is where Gilligan and the Skipper control the ship, but, for our purposes, it doesn't really matter. Now, here's where things get a touch untidy. Look at what's shown literally two seconds after that shot:

That's a totally different boat. It's not even close. It's wide, it's got no upper deck, it's got several windshield "sections". It's totally different. And in order to not notice that it's totally different, we'd have to have forgotten all of our memories from about two seconds ago.

Next is the "... the Minnow would be lost." bit. I kinda think the Minnow was lost at this point (nn-hoy-hoy), but regardless, take a look at what's shown literally 7 seconds after the previous depiction:

OK, so the "upper deck" is back so we're obviously back to the same boat we had at the beginning, right? But the boat in the beginning had "S.S. Minnow" on the side and this one doesn't. Another boat? We went through three different boats in the span of just a few seconds. We're just expected to accept it and it's this way for every episode - these details of the opening sequence never changed in the entire run of the show.

So there you have it. Two continuity errors in every single episode of "Gilligan's Island". Granted, this is hardly world-breaking stuff. But the point isn't that I've found this and I'm so impressive (but thanks very much, by the way) but kind of the opposite: how has everyone missed it? The point is, how can you see a thing a million times (as I have with "Gilligan's Island") and still never truly see it? Here, your brain is presented with two very different visual inputs and told that they are the same object and it doesn't raise a flag that something's wrong with that. And it can't be a weird quirk that only you possess because it's the same with everyone else. Multiply the millions of reruns by the millions of people who've watched the show - from the people who made it in the 60s, to the kid who watched it for the first time recently - it's overlooked by just about everyone every time.

What else are we missing?

Movie Review: Glory (1989)

Glory (1989)


During the American Civil War, an all-black volunteer regiment is formed and leads the battle to take Fort Wagner.

 One of the main traits that identify movie "epics" is the ability to step away from dialogue and allow the pictures and music to convey an emotion. With all the weight of history, this movie features battle scenes that are both sweeping and brutally graphic and a score by James Horner that is, in my opinion, the greatest ever. The cast includes both Morgan Freeman and Denzel Washington. Washington and Andre Braugher give career performances.

The largest criticism I've heard about "Glory" is Matthew Broderick's performance as Col. Shaw. At the time of filming, Broderick was about 26. At the time of the events depicted Shaw was 25. If Broderick appears to be too young and or simply out of his depth, I believe that is precisely the point.

There are so few perfect movies in the world. To me, this is one of them. This is the Nth time I've watched it but there are still very few scenes that don't make my hair stand on end - either from the fear of battle or the welling up of emotion. Transcendent.

10/10.

Movie Review: The Decalogue (1989)

The Decalogue (1989) 

A Polish mini-series, the Decalogue is 10 1-hour films, each dealing with one (or more) of the 10 Commandments. Far from cautionary tales, each film's association with a commandment is often loose and sometimes cryptic. The films explore the murky complexity of ethics in the modern world where "the right thing to do" becomes a slippery, sometimes contradictory, term. The point is not to answer questions, but rather to raise them.

It's been said that all the events of "Magnolia" take place within a square mile (10 blocks). All the main characters of all the films of the Decalogue live in the same apartment complex. Sometimes they cross paths. One character appears in almost all of them but his presence is never explained.

Kubrick felt The Decalogue was the only masterpiece made within his lifetime. Although it didn't affect me quite as much as that, there's no doubt it's expertly crafted. Ambiguity abounds, every minute is a subtle clue to something else, endings are usually not resolutions, most everything is subject to interpretation.

7-9/10.

Gilligan's Island - The Professor Can Make Radio; Can't Fix Boat.

"How come the Professor can make a radio out of coconuts but he can't fix a hole in a boat?"

It's the Second Great Question of "Gilligan's Island". It's the fallback of every lazy stand-up comedian ever. If you were living in the '80s, all you had to do was read this line in front of a brick wall at a comedy club and a gaggle of TV executives would carry you away, give you your own sitcom and shower you with piles of cash. If you added a "Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?" you were a superstar.

Though those glory days are long gone, the question rings down through the ages as one of the great unanswerable mysteries of life, the universe and everything. That is, until now. The question has an answer and I'm gonna tell you what it is and you're gonna sit there and listen, see! Mmrraaaah, see?

First things first, though. Although the question could be worded in any number of ways ("How come the Professor can make a generator out of coconuts...?", "How come the Professor can make a phonograph out of coconuts...?", and on and on) there appears to be a common agreement about the exact wording - "...make a radio...". In the incalculable fluctuations of human activity, this is slightly strange. But it's all the more puzzling when you consider the fact that the Professor never made a radio out of coconuts. He made a generator, he made a peddle car, he made a syringe, he made tons of stuff but he never made a radio. They only had one radio and it looked like this:

Ah, the good old Packard Bell AR-851. Not Pictured: telescoping antenna.

OK, OK, all of that is beside the point. The real question is: if he can make any complex invention, why can't he fix a stupid hole in a stupid boat?! The answer is simple: there is no boat.

In Season 1, Episode 8 - "Good-Bye Island" - Gilligan attempts to make pancake syrup. In the process of screwing it up, he discovers a plant-based waterproof glue that they can use to repair the hole in the boat. This they do and, in proper "Gilligan's Island" fashion, decide to give the whole boat a once-over, presumably to make it extra non-sinky.

As fate would have it, it turns out the glue is only temporary and loses its cohesive properties after a few days. In fact, it doesn't just lose its cohesive properties, like the chemicals we tend to find on planet Earth, it comes apart in such a way that basically causes the Minnow to explode. Board by solitary board. And so, from the eighth episode to the end of the series, the "boat" looks like this:

The S.S. Minnow: The Reality

And so you see, the Professor can not fix the boat because there's nothing to fix. There is no boat. Search your memory - can you think of a single time after the eighth episode where we ever see the castaways hanging by the boat, standing on the boat, pulling parts off the boat or do anything at all which causes us, the audience, to see the boat? Nope, neither can I. Never happened.

But even if there is no boat, perhaps the question could be: "If the Professor can make... why can't he  build a new boat?" Well, the building material of the island is bamboo and a boat made out of bamboo is usually called a raft and they did make a raft in a number of episodes throughout the series. See the individual episodes for the reasons why that didn't work (other than the fact that the writers of the show enjoyed their job and wanted the show to continue).

So the entire "Professor" question is BS. It's nonsense and the reasons why are in the show if you pay attention. So then why is it so widespread? Heck, almost half of the Professor's wikipedia article is dedicated to it. Sherwood Schwartz, the show's creator was asked about it his entire life and even he didn't have a good answer. Same with Bob Denver. Same with Russell Johnson. I think I know where the confusion is coming from. It might just come from the fact that they're showing this image at the beginning of Every. Single. Episode...

The S.S. Minnow: The Public Perception.

There's your problem. But then, that's not the only problem with the opening sequence. But that's another story...

Late Night - P&S Shout Out

If you blinked you missed it but he was true to his word: Jimmy Fallon shouts-out Preston and Steve.



Permanent link to the audio here.

VCR Alert: Late Night

Today Jimmy Fallon was a guest on the "Preston and Steve Show", a local radio show (and my favorite podcast). The interview was very good but too short as major celebrities have a million stations to get to and only so much time.

So anyways, at the end of the interview Jimmy promised something that I'd never heard on the radio before: he promised to give the show a shout out on tonight's episode. I'm sure it'll just be a quick mention at the beginning of desk chat but I'm still excited. Of course, if they're doing the "Shout Out" bit, it'll weave naturally into the fabric of the show. One of my favorite TV shows mentions my favorite radio show. Worlds are colliding!

Preston vs. Questlove - The Drum Off

Regis and Letterman

This interview has largely gone unnoticed and it's a trend that needs to be reversed. Recently Regis Philbin subbed for Piers Morgan on Piers' show and had has his guest - David Letterman. Hosts as guests is always interesting and even more so when it's Dave, who is quite camera shy when not on his own show.

As interviews go, they don't get much better than this. Regis is a master. He keeps it funny, smooth and conversational but still gets amazing insights into Letterman's life. They cover his quintuple bypass, 9/11, parenthood, politics and how he got into show business.

This is the only place you'll see names such as Johnny Carson, Jack Paar and Jack Benny dropped casually into conversation like they were Bob and Stan from the Bowling League.

It's about 40 minutes long but make the time, it's lots of fun.











"Please don't roll any tape. I'm coming across the table if you roll another tape. There's gonna be bloodshed right here. I can take you."

"You didn't seem certain when you said, 'I'm sure you have.' Like, 'How could this guy make friends?' That's what I picked up out of that. Am I being too sensitive? Because, here's how it sounded: 'Yeah, I'm sure you have.'"