Batman : The Criminal Surmises

Blog Issue #398 - Batman: The Criminal Surmises

Summer Issue. 10¢.

Before I begin my remarks, I'd like to thank you all for coming here today. In addition to the Confederacy of Criminals, the Scofflaw Society and Ne'er Do Well Nation, we have joining us today, The Penguin, The Joker, Catwoman, The Riddler and Bane (who I've never heard of before but who, I'm assured by others, has some sort of significant history with Batman). We are honored to have you here.

[Polite Applause]

Gentlemen, you all know too well the problem of the Bat Man. He has foiled every plot, he's ruined every scheme and every attack against him thus far has failed. In short, he's been a thorn in our side for too long. And that is why I've come up with a plan to get rid of our problem permanently. That's right. I have a plan to kill the Bat Man.

[General Audience Surprise: "Rhubarb Rhubarb Hubbub Rhubarb".]

Settle down. It can't be that surprising. It really can't be. Gentlemen, the plan is simple. The plan is perfect. And the plan is...

[Clears Throat.]

We shoot him .... in the face.

[General Audience Disbelief: "Hubbub Rhubarb Rhubarb"]

Settle down, settle down. Please now draw your attention to the photo I have here - (Figure 1-A).

[Figure 1-A.]

As you can see, "Batman" wears a special suit that's of such advanced technology, it renders anyone wearing it totally bulletproof. However the suit design has one distinct flaw: uh, it's this giant area around his face. Generally, the more you cover yourself with special bulletproof material, the more bulletproof you become. Batman, for some reason, has decided that "100% invincibility" is too much. He's decided, instead, to make himself about 95% invincible.

[General "Impressed" Sounds]

[Under His Breath] Oh, geez. 

Yes, I agree, that is a very high percentage, gentlemen. But you might notice that as high a percentage as it is, it still leaves %5 of his body totally vulnerable to attack.... the 5% being his fat face.... His face is exposed..... You can hurt his face!  There's nothing there. All you have to do is shoot his face!

[...]

[A Long Sigh]

Look, in the past, we've tried every kind of attack from knives, to acid, to flamethrowers, mind control devices, genetic mutation, the ideas were virtually limitless. We've tried so many different types of attack that I've gotten the distinct impression - talking to you all - that the general consensus is "we've tried everything". In fact, I remember in the 60's it was a bizarre mixture of overly elaborate Rube Goldberg devices and just going straight at him with our fists. But the 60s were a confusing time for everybody and I digress...

A million methods tried and failed and yet all we had to do all this time was have someone, with any semblance of aim, balance or luck, point a gun and fire at the one part of his body that is totally vulnerable to virtually any harming thing. A gun is the best method but a bow and arrow will do. How about a blowgun? A rock in a sling would work. Ever heard of a laser sight? Heck, if you have a sniper rifle, you don't even need to be on the same block! It's so simple, it's absolutely unbelievable that no one's done this yet! You see?! We can defeat him and it wouldn't be that hard.

I'll now open it up for questions.... Yes, you in the hood!

.....Uh huh.... Yeah... Right, right.

Okay, in case you didn't hear, the question was "What about shooting him in the back?". The answer is No. That will not work. That falls under the "bulletproof" area that I talked about before. Thanks. Anyone else? Yes, you in the back!

.. Uh huh.....uh?....... ahh...... mmkay...

Okay, the question was "What about putting him in a machine that reflects and magnifies sound in ever increasing increments...." and then it went on from there, I don't know if I caught all of it but.... No. A million times, No. I can't tell you enough how much that plan is bound to fail. Really. Believe me. (Under his breath) This is getting sad. Anyone else?

...Mmm. ......Okay... Right.

Okay, the question was "What about a boomerang with some sort of attachment that shoots shrink-rays and has anyone tried that already?" Look, I don't know. It's certainly possible that someone has, I'm no historian... but I assure you without even thinking about it that it won't work. It hasn't worked, it won't work and I don't think you've heard a word I've said. Unless you meant to throw it at his face, was that the question?... No? Okay, then, no.

I'm wondering if this has all been a waste of everyone's time. I think this is a good time to break for lunch. Please enjoy the complimentary buffet and we'll meet back here at 1:30 to do some workshopping.

[A Smattering of Applause]