Soccer... Yes, it's called "Soccer"

Normally, when the whole world is wrapped up in World Cup fever and Americans remain totally uninterested, I would make a blog post espousing the virtues of the game - I find the gigantic playing field aesthetically pleasing and the constant angular passes aesthetically pleasing somehow and the quick and dynamic/improvisational strategy aspect can be very exciting when it works - but instead it seems the whole country seems to have soccer fever so I'm going the other way. Soccer, as a sport is very weak.

First off, there's no clock. Sure, there's a corner of the TV with an ascending time display but that's not the real time. Only the referee knows how much time is left. Why? What are you hiding? Why would you make a sport with no discernible amount of time left? When are the fans supposed to get excited that time is running out?

Second, the low scoring. People who advocate lower-scoring sports say that the few goals makes it more exciting. People who advocate higher-scoring sports say that the constant scoring makes those sports more exciting. They both have a point in a way. Such arguments can be true but they're only the subjective "excitement" test is only obscuring the real issue. There is an objective advantage to higher-scoring sports: the higher score increases the "granularity" of the game. That is, more scoring means that more often the better team wins. I don't care if you assemble the best soccer team ever assembled and you're up against the Asthmatic All-Stars of Chernobyl - the ball takes a crazy bounce off one of the mutated weaklings' nads and bounces into the net for a goal, 90 minutes later the game ends and there you have it: unlike, say, basketball where the dream team rocks your face off and sets the net on fire, you just watched your dream team lose to Beavis and Butthead because of dumb luck.

Third: officiating. You combine bad calls with the "lottery" aspect of low scoring and you have referees, not players, deciding games. The US vs. Slovenia game was enough proof of that. That's right Europe, no one wants to see an outcome determined by the hard work and excellent play of professional athletes ("republicanism"), we want a moron referee to make unilateral decisions that are one hair away from being on par with the WWE ("monarchy"). "Someone make an 'And 1 Mixtape' of referee officiating! Quick! It's my favorite!" Every sport has officiating problems, no one gets it right all the time and no one feels good when they get it wrong but soccer is unique in that, more than any other sport (or more than the other major sports), the bad calls DECIDE or CAN DECIDE the outcome.

Fourth: Ties. What kind of a sick sport - already plagued by low scoring - DOESN'T have an overtime system? It's understandable when a sport decides to implement some limit in the amount of play and allow ties but not even a single overtime period? Not one second more? "Well, we played 90 minutes" - or SOMEWHERE AROUND 90 minutes plus whatever the ref is feeling today - "and we haven't determined a winner yet, but let's stop right there. There will be no winners today." "But maybe we could play longer and see if another goal happens." "NO! It's much better when you leave things in an indeterminate state of emotional confusion." "What about playing, say, 5 minutes, just 5 minutes more." "NO TIME."

Fifth: the vuvuzela. Everyone is well aware of this one so I'll use this space to describe a delicious anecdote of sweet justice. The Florida Marlins recently had a promotion where the first 15,000 fans to the ballpark (I say "the first 15,000" though it's doubtful the Marlins could get that many in total) received a free vuvuzela giveaway. And can you believe it, it was annoying! The noise was unbearable (shock!), it annoyed and pained many fans (who could have predicted?!) and the players and officials took to wearing earplugs (monocle pop!). But the best part is that when the Marlins coach made a lineup change in the ninth inning, the umpire didn't hear and called it illegal which lead to the Marlins losing the game. There is justice in the world.

Sixth, and frankly this is the whole point of the article here... the flops. Sit back and enjoy the histrionics of retarded teenage girls... I mean, muscle-bound titans of sport ... and see if you don't die a little inside.