The Big Jem

 

The tradition of boycotting the Super Bowl and instead participating in activities which are as far from it as possible continues. (Pre-2011, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2020, 2021). Last year I said this segment had jumped the shark. That must mean that post-shark we are venturing into uncharted waters.

For Year of Our Lord 2022, I settled on re-visiting the 1980's cartoon meant for little girls, "Jem." It seemed like a good choice given that it's 80's and nostalgia and about the farthest thing from the Super Bowl there is.

This is a series that I remember watching and really enjoying, even though I was a boy, even then. It should be noted that I had an older sister who was into it and I was probably tagging along. I tended to like the things she liked - I played with Barbies, etc. But, as much as I remember the nostalgic feeling of enjoying it as a child, I don't really remember very much about it. I vaguely remember a few details but absolutely no specific episodes or plot points. In fact, the most memorable thing about the series for me was....

The Theme Song

Starting the first episode, I was startled to not recognize the theme song even though I distinctly DO remember the theme song. No problem, Wikipedia explains that the theme song was changed midway through the series. So I remember a later theme song, not the original one. But the problem is, according to wikipedia, the theme I remember WAS first yet I never found any episode which contained it. When the theme was changed, did someone go back and change all the previous episodes to have the same theme? There's no telling how far this dastardly conspiracy goes.

Long story short. This sucks:

And this... this is rad:

Episode 1

I am overwhelmed and in over my head. Entire libraries could be written on the events and interpretations on just the first episode of "Jem." It could be a Doctoral Thesis on the perceived psychology of adolescent girls and I'm not joking. I think this post may go too long; I will try to be as brief as possible.

As the first episode begins, we meet a teenage girl, Jerrica Benton whose father has died. Starting off on a high note and very Freudian, I suspect. The girl's fantasy begins with father death. We could camp here for a while but we must press on.

Yes, her father has died and he has left her an inheritance of two items: 50% of the ownership of his record company and a home for foster girls. The foster home is short on cash so Jerrica turns to the record company only to find Eric Raymond, owner of the other 50% and acting executive, is rigging a Battle of the Bands to ensure a win for his/their label's band, The Misfits. It's at this point that they give The Misfits the most bad ass introduction possible: they charge into the office riding motorcycles styled as electric guitars:

Surrounding Jerrica with their indoor "hogs," The Misfits perform a song and we get the first music video of the series. More on that later if there's time.

After this Jerrica goes home to find she's been sent earrings in the mail from an unknown sender. Opening the box a magical spirit is released (no time to explain) and tells her to go to the drive-in movie theater that Jerrica's dad also left her (no time to explain). She goes there. She finds the "spirit" was really a computer: 

It's Synergy a "holographic computer designed to be the ultimate audio visual entertainment synthesizer" and, on a personal note, I recognized this. I am nerd enough that I remember being a kid and liking the computer. But no time to talk about that.

Synergy can make realistic holograms appear anywhere, complete with sound and, through the use of "remote micro-projectors" can make these holograms appear anywhere in the world. Through the use of holographic technology, Synergy transforms Jerrica into Jem and transforms her friends into "the Holograms." Jerrica can communicate to Synergy through her earrings and then transform from Jerrica to Jem and then back again. Then Synergy reveals some other things Jerrica's dad left her: a giant closet full of all the most stylish clothes, a giant closet of musical instruments and equipment and a totally bodacious car. How long in advance did her dad know he was going to die? Was he constantly having to update the wardrobe? No time to think about it.

So you can see we're only at the premise of the show and yet there is so much going on here. We start with a dead dad, the show has not even bothered mentioning what happened to the mom (who cares, is it relevant? I think she must be dead too) and are given a heroine who is beautiful and a corporate executive (she's rich!) and taking care of a broke foster home (she's poor!) and she's a superhero with superpowers and a "regular girl" secrete identity, but she's also a star and the lead singer in a band, with an unlimited supply of clothes and has cutting edge rock instruments and drives a killer car. This is just everything - this is Everything: The Show. Plus her parents are out of the picture. Not to mention we have a protagonist that, for whatever reason, has earned nothing yet has been given everything. There is so much to digest here! But there's no time to get into any of this!

So Jerrica (acting as manager for Jem and the Holograms) challenges Raymond's Misfits for a Battle of the Bands - the winner get's 100% control of the Record Label. Then a movie producer comes out of nowhere and says that, not only that, but whoever wins gets a film contract and a giant mansion. Why? How? WHERE DID HE COME FROM?! Who is this guy? There's no time! People come forward to give Jem free stuff and that's all I can say about it given the time allotted!

The competition is set to take place in 6 months, so I'm guessing it will go like this: there will be many episodes of them competing and progressing as musicians and it will all culminate in a Season Finale showdown for all the marbles.

True to my prediction, the next thing that happens is: Raymond hires a thug to break into the foster house to steal Jem's equipment. There's also a sub-plot where the foster home is saving up money to buy a new refrigerator but one of the foster girls is tempted to steal from their refrigerator fund. We don't have time to cover any of that! There are many sub-plots about the foster kids. There is no time to address them! When the thug breaks into the house, he also sets it on fire and the episode ends!

Sorry, girls, no time to get into this right now.

You see, every episode (it seems) ends with a cliffhanger which is more common now in the days of netflix and binge-watching. But this is way before binge-watching; they're doing it back when kids had to wait a full week to find out what happened next! This is arguably very cool and ahead of its time but there's no time to talk about it! Every episode also has 3 original, recorded songs, complete with music videos and the little text in the corner that tells you the title of the song and the artist... 3 original songs for every episode is an insane amount of production value and it would be nice to get into the details but there's soo much to talk about, we don't have time for it!

Episode 2

So just as Episode 1 starts with the dad dying, Episode 2 starts with the foster home burning down. You might have thought that we'd come back from the cliffhanger to find the firemen put out the fire, but no, the foster kids (and Jem) are just homeless now.

Jerrica/Jem gets the idea to ask the movie guy, who came out of nowhere and I don't think even has a name, the guy who offered the mansion as a prize - she asks him if the kids could stay in the mansion temporarily until they find another home. And this moment provides some insight into the mentality of the heretofore unexamined Misfits (I'd like to talk about them but there's just no time!):

Jem: These kids are all foster children. They used to live in my house but it burned down last night.

Misfit #1: Aww, poor wittle baby!

Misfit #2: Bo-ring!

Nice.

The movie guy without a name says it's ok (more giving Jem free stuff) and one of the Misfits has a psychic break and does the logical thing: she hijacks a nearby bulldozer and goes on a rampage, attempting to bury Jem alive. That's real, that's an accurate description of what happens in the episode. Then Raymond hires a thug (the same thug as before) to plant a time bomb in the mansion. The episode ends with a yacht that's about to crash into a tanker. That's what happens in the episode, I'm sorry, there's just not enough time to go deeper on any of this.

Episode 3

In Episode 3, Jem is given the chance to shoot a music video in Paris. Who's funding this trip/music video? It's a random rich woman and it's another thing given to Jem for free. I don't understand what motivates the pattern but this is the pattern. Speaking of the pattern, in each of the first 2 episodes, Raymond hired a thug to do thuggery. In this episode he hires the same thug to ruin the music video. And although the instructions are pretty explicit that his task is just to ruin the music video, what he actually does is try to drop a gargoyle from a tall building onto the entire band to murder them all.

This show is only half an hour long but there are so many things going on... Oh yeah, there's also an ongoing plotline where Rio, Jerrica's boyfriend (I haven't mentioned Rio yet! There hasn't been time!) is in a love triangle with Jerrica and Jerrica as Jem. Jem is constantly wanting to reveal her identity to him but can't for some reason. It makes no sense - is it fulfilling a feminine fantasy to be at once secure in a relationship while at the same time being an object of seduction for a new lover? I just don't have time to talk about ANY of this. We have to move on, we have to...

Episode 4

In Episode 4, a rich Texas oil man comes along to give Jem more free stuff but at least this one is  interesting.

He books Jem and the Holograms as headliners in a big Las Vegas concert. But it turns out that he's also booked The Misfits as the opener. But these two bands hate each other, why would he book two rival bands to play the same show? Well, he's a rich troll and it amuses him. This is canon, this is the explanation the show gives us. I would love to get into who this guy is and what he's doing in this episode but there just... isn't... time.

Remember the thing about Raymond hiring a thug? Well in this episode Raymond hires a thug. The thug robs the Las Vegas safe and plants the money in Jem's dressing room for the police to find. Everything turns out fine, no time to explain!

The Battle Episode

Alright, so far, in theory, this is the most interesting show ever devised, and yet each episode is following a similar formula. As I figured, we're just going to compete with each other back and forth for the first season until the big Battle of the Bands season finale climax.  So let's just skip ahead to that and even though I'm not covering the entire series we can have a suitable conclusion. So for the Battle Episode, we need to skip all the way to.... Episode.... 5.

Oh. That's weird.

I'll be honest, by this time my brain was full, I was mentally exhausted and was finding it difficult to  assimilate any new information. I'll be as succinct as possible given the abundance of the show.

The Battle of the Bands is taking place in a giant stadium. The entire series thus far has shown that the two bands performing don't really have much success or much following but now that they're battling the show needs them to be arena-fillers. Ok. And the contest will be decided by audience applause.

Can you guess what Raymond does in this episode? Does he pay off the crowd, does he rig the applause-o-meter? No. He hires a thug to kidnap one of the foster children. Why does he do that? So that he can demand as ransom for her return that Jem and band show up to a location of his choosing. Why? So that when they're there he can hire a thug to kidnap them and hold them. Why? So that they can't show up to the show on time and therefore will forfeit the competition. None of this makes any sense I wish I could try to make sense of it but we've got to keep going...

Jem and the band escape through the use of holograms or then actually that doesn't work so then by Rio saving them. They play the show, the crowd goes wild, they beat The Misfits and win 100% of the record label AND a film contract where they will star in films AND a giant mansion where they can live with the foster kids. They've won ALL of the THINGS and it's such a happy ending and the show is done, except this is the 5th episode and it lasted for 3 seasons. But I have no will to explore that.

And we're not done yet. The show ends with Jem/Jerrica going to her new office but finding Eric Raymond there. How is he not in jail for the many, many felonies he's committed (but in this episode, kidnapping)? Because lawyers. Then he, Raymond, hits Jem. The man hits the woman - I think it's a slap -  in the show meant for children. And so then Rio punches Raymond. This is a shocking climax, every bit as worthy of analysis as The Red Wedding and it happened on a Saturday Morning Cartoon in the 80s and this topic would be worth thoroughly exploring and analyzing if I just.... had ... more ... time.

The Movie

In 2015 they made a movie adaptation of Jem and I watched it and I'm out of time and can't give a review. And that's the Super Bowl. Sorry this was so long.

Oh yeah, and the song that Jem plays in the first episode is pretty good. I'd insert that into the beginning if I had time.

Japan Snack Reviews #6

Here we are, just one last snack review. In order to fit everything in, I'll try to be brief, let's get started.

1)

Name: Hello Kitty Chocolate Marshmallow

Review:

It wouldn't be a Japanese snack review without Hello Kitty.

The name is accurate, this is a marshmallow with a perfect cylinder of strong chocolate in the center. In my Poland Snack Review, you'll recall I was not impressed by chocolate-covered marshmallow. But now, with this marshmallow-covered chocolate, it's time to completely flip-flop on the issue!

Here's the deal... The chocolate has a really strong chocolate punch and, combined with the marshmallow, I was reminded of all the Winter days where I'd add Marshmallow Fluff to my Hot Chocolate. It tastes amazingly similar and I loved every second of it.

2)

Translation: Kit Kat

Additional Text: "Adult Flavor"

Review: 

As we all know, "adult" is a euphemism for nudity so this should be interesting...

As you're may already be aware, Kit Kat is not technically a Japanese brand - they're made by Nestle, which is Swiss - but they're so popular there that the Japanese have created a wide spectrum of their own odd, native varieties. I've tried many of them and thought I had made a blog post about the whole phenomenon, but looking now, I never did. If you're looking for a cool food adventure, get a Japanese Kit Kat variety pack - it's an experience.

So what is this "adult" flavor? It is green tea. It's a green tea Kit Kat. I remember this from before. It accurately captures the flavor of green tea in a Kit Kat form but it's up to you to determine if that's a good thing. I say nay.

3)

Name: Umaibo Delicious Sticks - Chocolate 

Review:

You may recall that Umaibo are cylindrical, hollow corn puff things and have come up a number of times before with different varieties. This one is a complete change of pace, it's obviously chocolate. It looks like this:

You know you shouldn't be doing food reviews when your first reaction is "it is what it is." It's a flavorless air puff covered in chocolate. Not worth your time, in my opinion.

4)

Name: Crispy Chocolatey Rice Cereal

Review:

A chocolate bar with rice puffs embedded within. I think in this Chocolate phase I've been comparing things to Nestle Crunch quite a lot but now we come to something that basically IS a Nestle Crunch bar. I think the chocolate of the Crispy is sweeter and the rice is thicker. 

5)

Name: Rilakkuma

Review:

This is a surprise and I'm not sure how to describe it. It looks like a basic piece of chocolate but it isn't. It may be basically chocolate but it's sweeter and has some caramel notes, or it might be meant to taste like some kind off coffee.

I can't describe it completely, but it's definitely good and definitely too small a quantity. Buy lots.

6)

Name: Chocolate Shimi Corn Stick

Review:

This is described as a "mix of milk chocolate and crispy corn puff in a star shaped tube." It looks like this:

I think it would be lazy for me to say that it looks like poop. I'm above that. Candy bars often look like poop and we have no problem with it, I will extend the same courtesy to the Japanese.

And it's pretty good! Sure, I've too many of these "biscuity" chocolate things and yes, I'm not bowled over but it's much better than I thought it would be. It also packs a bigger chocolate punch than one would expect. The mixture of puffed corn and chocolate is not so different from Cocoa Krispies or Cocoa Pebbles, which seem to be fairly popular. Marginal thumbs up.

7)

Translation: "The Thing Forgotten by the King"

Additional Text: "Chocolate filling and cookie" and the King is saying, "Where is it, when did I have it?"

Review:

The outside shell is a cookie that's swirled chocolate and vanilla, as you can see in the photo. But I really only taste the vanilla. But then in the middle is a gooey, cakey chocolate substance that is very unusual and tastes great. The best equivalent I can find is when you get a Molten Chocolate Lava Cake. You know how the "molten lava" part is not quite solid and not quite liquid? Well, it's like that. Very, very tasty. 

---

And that's all for the Korean and Japanese snack reviews. I hope you enjoyed it. Special thanks to my family for gifting them to me over a year ago. And a big thanks to my friend Nathan for doing all the translation. I was sure he was going to get tired of the homework and give up but instead he patiently went through everything, snack after snack, group after group. Thank you. 

Late Night - Steve Martin's Priceless Vases

 

Late Show - Dave Works the McDonald's Drive-Thru

 A classic. Such a classic that I was sure I'd posted this before. But I don't see it...

And here's what I thought I said the first time: "An all-time classic line: Sure, the food will always be ready... Are you ready?"

The Late Night Elevator Races

 

The very qualities I dislike about Bob Costas - the over-earnestness, the over-dramatizing - are the very qualities that make him great in these events; they're perfect for parody.

Korean Snack Reviews #6

We're nearing the end. There are 8 Korean Snacks to go and then the Korean section is entirely complete. I'm going to keep things brief to get all 8 in and be done with it forever.

1)

Name: Choco-Pie

Additional Text: With Marshmallow Filling

Review:

You may be thinking, "How is this a Korean snack if the label is written in English?" According to wikipedia:

In 1973, a member of the R&D team of the Korean firm Tongyang Confectionery visited a hotel in Georgia, US, and was inspired by the chocolate-coated sweets available in the hotel's restaurant. He returned to South Korea and began experimenting with a chocolate biscuit cake, creating the “choco pie” as it is known to Koreans. 

So if you've ever had a Moon Pie, you know what this is. I don't know if they have Tastykakes where you are but to me this tastes exactly... ALMOST EXACTLY... like a marshmallow Tastykake. The only difference is the cream doesn't hit as hard. Pretty good. 

2) 

Name: Couque D'Asse

Additional Text: White Torte

Review:

Whatever you do, don't try to pronounce that name. You may be thinking, "How is this a Korean snack if the label is written in French?" Well, wikipedia left me hanging on this one.

This is too small but tastes great. It's a simple vanilla cookie bar with a chocolate strip. It's all a little too light except there is a creamy vanilla flavor in there that I really enjoy. High marks.

3)

Name: Couque D'Asse

Additional Text: Vienna coffee

Review:

You may be thinking, "How is this a Korean..."...ok, I'll stop now. I can't go anywhere near anything with "coffee" labeling so here are some people from the internet to do my job for me:

4)

Name: K-BBQ

Additional Text: Crispy Sea Snack Korean BBQ Flavor

Review:

I'm of two minds. The Korean BBQ flavor part sounds great, I'm excited. The "crispy sea snack" part fills me with dread. Which will win out? I think we get a major clue when we look upon them:

And, as you might expect, the "sea snack" tastes like fish food. It's the classic "walking into the fish section of the pet store" taste. It's horrendous. No offense to anyone but it's one of the worst tastes there could be. No. No. No. No.

5)

Name: Buldak Hot Chicken Flavor Ramen

Additional Text: Cheese

Review:

This feels like the climax to the Korean food eating. This ramen package is one of the largest items in the collection and its yellow packaging means that I've been noticing it for a long time. This is also the only snack that's a meal - and a meal that needs to be cooked.

The directions are so easy, how could I possibly screw this up? 1) Boil the ramen, 2) Remove from water, add "liquid sauce" and stir-fry. 3) Add "cheese powder" and serve.

Well, being me, I had to google "how to stir-fry." If you're saying, "the directions are in the name," remember, this is a blog and I can't hear you. Besides, as it turns out, I still can't do it, even with the directions. Stir-fry requires high heat and I don't have a pan that goes above medium. I improvised and I think it was fine.

On the first bite of the first bowl I realized I was basically done. The packaging that advertises "HOT Chicken Flavor" is no joke. This is so spicy that it's like a food you eat on a dare. My mouth was on fire with spicy pain. I hate that.

Take into account that I'm not a spicy food guy. If you have a "tolerance" or whatever, this might be your thing. But it's not mine. Did I say I hate it, yet? I hate it. Aside from the hotness, how does it taste? I'd guess it's pretty good. 

And I now realize the mistake I made and a warning for all of you out there making this yourselves. In Step 2, I added all the "liquid sauce" and I bet if you wanted it less spicy you could just add a fraction to taste. The directions don't tell you that. Live and learn.

6)

Name: Oh yes!

Review:

Oh yes? How about Oh no!

There's some redundancy in this chocolate section of the Korean snacks. Like the Choco-Pie, this is a chocolate coating around two cakes sandwiching chocolate cream. Apparently the Moon Pie formula really hit it big in Korea.

It's hard to not like cake and chocolate but on the level of a chocolate snack, this is not great. Not terrible but wouldn't recommend.

7)

Name: VicPie (Victory Pie)

Review:

The redundancy continues: like the others, chocolate coating around two biscuits sandwiching cream. The differences are only that the biscuits are more crunchy this time and the cream has a slight strawberry taste to it. The strawberry is very slight. Okay, but pass.

8)

Name: Choco Heim - Choco Hazelnut

Review:

Fans of Korean Snack Reviews #3 will remember White Heim. Well this is that but with chocolate.

It's a sugar-wafery thing that's filled with light chocolate. It's another of those "light" and "subtle" flavor that is nice but unremarkable.

---

And that's the end of the Korean Food Reviews. It ends not on a bang, but on a whimper but it's all the luck of the draw, I suppose. Thank you for enduring this year-long journey. There is still one more Japanese episode left.