This year I decided to do the hacky thing of revisiting a cheesy 80s sitcom that I remember watching as a kid. Due to the recent death of Cloris Leachman, "The Facts of Life" has been rolling around in my head lately and it also has the added advantage of having an all-female cast, perfect for Super Bowl counter-programming. So I went with it...
I... um...
Well...
Okay, and this isn't the last episode of the series? Let's pretend for a moment that you're a writer on this show, what are you going to make happen after that? That's amazingly final.
In case anyone doesn't know, "The Facts of Life" was a fairly popular sitcom that ran from 1979 to 1988. It centered around an all-girls' school dormitory, specifically centering around the same four or five students for the vast majority of the show's run. It sounds strange, looking back - how many all-girls' boarding schools were there in US in the late 70s? Is this one of those fake situations that only exists on television because I've never heard of such a thing ever in my life.
Coming into this thing I thought "The Facts of Life" was a rather unfortunate title for a show about an all-girl's school dormitory. I mean, it has an original meaning, I'm sure, but over the years it's taken on a euphemistic meaning that suggests this all-girls show is going to deal with adult themes week after week. And that would be impossible. The powers that be would never let that happen. And that is what is known as foreshadowing.
Season 1, Episode 1
Best to start at the beginning. This isn't technically the pilot episode, but let's not get technical for "Facts of Life" please.
The theme song. Although I remember it fondly, the theme song for "Facts of Life" has got to be one of the worst in the world. At least in this Season, it is an abomination. Hear it for yourself, I dare you. The theme in later seasons, will reveal itself to be fine, but in the earliest rendition they have Mrs. Garret singing on it and it sounds like something from "Sesame Street". In a weird way it really reminds me of the theme to "Too Many Cooks" and that's especially appropriate since, in the first season at least, the accompanying video hilariously introduces 30,000 smiling kid characters.
So as our story begins, I find that "The Facts of Life" is a spin-off of "Diff'rent Strokes" - Mrs. Garret who is the housekeeper(?) for Mr. Drummond (and the boys) has suddenly gotten a job as a Head Mistress(?) for a girls' school. The characters of "Diff'rent Strokes" are visiting and we're right in the middle of the Harvest Fair. The girls need to decide who will run for Harvest Queen, which is like a beauty contest or something. The tomboy girl is discouraged from running because she's really into sports, wears pants and really likes touching other girls. And then Blair insinuates that with the sports and the dress and with all the enjoyment of the touching of the girls, she's secretly a lesbian and THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR. I am so uncomfortable. What is happening?! Isn't this a carefree 80s sitcom?! This is not how this goes. I should have watched "Knight Rider".
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| Out of Context Gary Coleman |
At the dramatic moment where the tomboy girl declares that she is worried that she might be a lesbian, the audience claps and we go to commercial. I remember this kind of thing. It instantly identifies the show's era because that tradition is so utterly specific to that time. I can't imagine anyone doing such a thing today. And looking at it now, I'm sure it would strike the average viewer as so bizarre that the problem is set up and in the midst of the shock and despair, the audience just starts applauding like it's their favorite thing. I like to picture a full crowd of people who thrive on human suffering all gathered together to watch show tapings week after week.
If you want an idea for a funny youtube video, edit and compile together all the worst tragedies depicted in sitcoms with the ecstatic audience ovations that followed. One goldmine would be "All in the Family". I think it also happened in "Three's Company" but apparently it's an idea that was specific to, and originated in, Norman Lear shows - they wanted the first Act of the show to be like the first Act of a play and the audience applauds between each of the acts in plays. That's a connection that has since been severed and now the phenomenon just appears inexplicable. That's another youtube video: show it to Millenials and watch the confusion.
So anyways, the girl might be a lesbian and so what can you do but accuse Blair is accused of basically being a slut because this is a family show that I watched as a kid. So then the lesbian and the slut compete for Harvest Queen and after some sexual exploration, the girl determines she isn't a lesbian and Blair isn't really a slut and the girls are talking about puberty I am a 40 year old man watching this and I don't want to be and by the way I am very, very uncomfortable and this is not how this is supposed to go. I did not know what I was getting myself into, this was a huge mistake.
Season 1, Episode 2
In this episode, the parents are visiting and the whole dorm is celebrating France for some reason. The first two episodes both begin with visitors and both have a special "event" somehow. In this episode, we are really switching things up because now it's Blair's mom that's accused of loose morals - specifically having an affair with the married male parent. I would complain about how it's another serious episode but I'm thankful that it revolves around adults this time. Oh yeah, except... There's this one part of the episode that's utterly bizarre...
There's one point where Blair's mother introduces her to an adult male parent and tells her to kiss him. Blair refuses, citing the fact that she's a child and he's an adult and she just met him. Pretty sound logic, I think, hah hah hah, heh... But her mother is the boss and doesn't agree and forces her do it anyway. So that's not good for anyone. And do you suppose this awfulness is setting something up, you think this is part of the plot in any way? Nope. That's it. It just happens.
In the end, in the last few moments of the show, the mother redeems herself by wearing an apron and baking a casserole. This is the visual manifestation of the idea that she will not be sleeping around anymore. Did she really have an affair with the other parent? Forget that... apron + casserole = satisfying resolution.
Notable in this episode is how many "big joke" moments go by that are met with absolute silence from the audience. I'm still feeling the chilling awkwardness of the previous episode and the silence really plays on that nerve. They seem afraid and I can relate. By the way, Molly Ringwald is in this show.
Season 1, Episode 3
Okay, we are 3 episodes in and I want to die.
So we've got a creepy vibe going and this episode is going to keep that party going as it opens with an elderly man coming into the dorm where he is met with fawning and adulation from all the teenage schoolgirls. They fall over themselves because he's just so handsome...
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| Pictured: Every Girl's Fantasy |
Seriously, the way they act it's as if George Clooney walked in the door (and he who won't show up until Season 7).
Not much to say about this episode, I think my brain is actively blocking it out.
Season 1, Episode 4
Ok, this is the "dieting/anorexia" episode that you have to expect comes standard with every sitcom of the era. This is a serious subject but compared to what's come before, I will take it all day, every day.
In this particular week, every female in the place decides they're too fat and needs to lose weight. Dieting, healthy food, calories. But one of the girls takes it too far and stops eating altogether. At the end of the first act a little girl collapses from hunger and the audience claps thunderously. The site of an unconscious malnourished girl elicits cheers from the audience. I'm telling you, this is a thing.
Skipping Ahead...
This is not going well. But all hope is not lost for we live in the age of the Information Superhighway. This is where I can skim through the story line synopses and pick out the most lighthearted episodes yielding the most laugh-fruit for the chuckle harvest. 80s nostalgia do your magic...
Oh no...
Ok, so it's not all despair, exactly. I mean, it's pretty much all despair but some of the descriptions of serious topics can sound strangely humorous...
I mean, I have to admit that I've read "Tootie refuses to believe she is suffering from hearing loss until she is in an accident" over 20 times and it still makes me laugh. This is my new Away Message if AOL IM is still around. Could that be my epitaph?
Interesting things happening at the beginning of Season 9, a two-part episode:
What were you thinking, Richard Moll? I am glad it has a happy ending and that justice was served.
At first I thought this was a mistake, referring to Richard Moll by his real name rather than his character's name in the show. But his character's name really is Richard Moll so I guess he's playing himself? Richard Moll lives in the FoL cinematic universe.
Nope. Nope. This can't be real. If this was real, I would have heard of it. Listen, I watched this show when I was a kid and I'm telling you there is no way they went to a male strip club. I will watch this one and definitely confirm that it is not what it's described to be.
So far we've gone through two genres of "Facts of Life" plot synopses - the horrifying and the hilarious - but there is yet a third genre... The Surreal.
Behold:
Why would you do this to us, Kevin? Who even is Kevin?
Granted it's a Halloween show but still, pretty strange... But there are no excuses for this one:
Season 5, Episode 8
Alright so let's clear up the strip club episode confusion. Like I said, there's no way it is what it sounds like, it could not be real, so I had to watch it for myself.
And, it's real.
As the episode begins, Blair is happy with her boyfriend even though she's superficial and he's always broke. And - FOR SOME REASON - exactly as described, the girls take Mrs. Garret to a male strip club. This was a show aimed at kids (or at least teens) that aired in 1983 and they just go to the strip club.
Do you think they omitted what went on in the male strip club and just had a scene where they came back and said, "Wow, what a crazy night"? No, the setting of the show travels inside the male strip club.
Oh sure, they showed the interior but it's basically just a restaurant, they didn't actually show men taking off their clothes and gyrating, did they? Yes indeed, they showed the "male stripping". But the women of the show are put off by it somehow, right? Oh no, Mrs. Garrett hoots and howels and drools over the man meat on display. But the "stripping" part is relatively brief (no pun intended), right? No, no, no. It goes on for WAY too long. At this point in the episode, my notes just say: "The stripping is going on forever. So much stripping! Why won't it stop? I watched it. I watched all of it. Croatan."
And the point of the scene, this very long scene, is that one of the male strippers turns out to be Blair's boyfriend and this was a secret he was keeping from her and something about gender hypocrisy... I don't know, I'm not spending any time applying thought to anything, no object lesson is worth this.
Season 9, Episode 24
End it. Just end it.
We're down to the last episode of the series and it should appear strange to you that a show about a girls' school could last 9 seasons with the same cast. Somebody has to graduate sometime. This is one of the mysteries of the series - I don't know all the details but here's what I gather.
It appears that after they graduated high school (Season 4) they went to college for another 4 years and all lived together still somehow(?) and then after they graduated (Season 8) they all got jobs at the same place and all live together still somehow(?). It's not a great advertisement for their boarding school that all the graduates go on to college and end up working at a clothes store. Is it a clothes store? Eh, who cares.
At any rate, in the last two episodes Blair has bought the old school that they all used to go to and becomes the new Head Mistress. So you see, it's all come full-circle, she is now in the position that Mrs. Garrett was in and now there is a whole new cast of kids class of students. Only this time, the school has become co-ed but it's still a boarding school. So now I ask you, how many co-ed boarding schools were there in 1988? Drop a comment on this webzone if you've heard of a co-ed boarding school.
Blair is only in charge of the girls, so there is a man in charge of the boys and it looks like there's going to be a will-they-won't-they situation between Blair and the guy in addition to all the hi-jinks that the kids are going to get up to blah, blah, blah. It's basically setting up a whole new show in the next season that never happened so none of it matters. It's harmless 80s laughs with a school setting in 1988 - it all feels very "Saved by the Bell: The New Class". It's very canned and boring but at least I can watch it without fear sweat.
The only interesting thing about this episode is it has Juliette Lewis, Mayim Bialik and Seth Green as very young kids.
That's it. I should have watched the football. I regret everything.
Fin.
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