WORD(s of wisdom)

If you're like me, when you hear that there's a movie in existence based on the life and teachings of Vanilla Ice, you prepare yourself to receive Knowledge. You know that such a movie is bound to contain the kind of profound and life-changing wisdom and life lessons that will take you where you want to be. Here are just a few of the things I learned after just one viewing of "Cool as Ice".

• If you like a girl and you want her to like you, break into her house, slip into her bed while she's still asleep and stick your fingers in her mouth. She'll love you. Women think that's both cool and sexy. (I can't believe I never thought of this!)

• If the mob threatens your life and the lives of your family members, do nothing. Just see if it all blows over.

• Women love it when you needlessly endanger their lives.

• If you care about someone, take them to a construction site.

• If you're so bad at Super Mario Bros. 3 that you die 3 seconds into the first level, attempt the dungeon level.

• Call it "making sex".

• You will never be as happy as you are when you're running around a half-built house frame.

• When a movie has reached its emotional low, the best thing to do is play loud, danceable hip hop on the soundtrack to really underscore the desperation.

• Sometimes you have to tear something apart in order to put it together. (Note: This may only apply to drunken, senile senior citizens with severe mental retardation and a glue addiction who were born six months premature to mothers who chugged lead-tainted whiskey from an asbestos glass whilst pregnant.)

• If your life is so endangered that you enter the witness protection program, DON'T SCHEDULE A TV APPEARANCE.

• "It ain't where you're from, it's where you're at."

• A really nice neon-colored clown suit never goes out of style.

• If you're choreographing a dance scene, why not add a whole "homoerotic" segment? Go on. Nobody's going to ask questions.

• If you're in love but presented with tenuous, unproven information that shows the person in a bad light, don't confront them directly - that will only give them a chance to present their side. Instead, be cryptic about it... beat around the bush whilst still being angry. That way everyone can be angry... equally.

• No amount of mousse will ever be enough. But the important thing is the attempt.

• Hey Kids, why not ask a stranger to take you for a ride in their vehicle?

• Couples in love gain the power of quantum superposition.

• When you get to the point as an artist where "thank you (falettinme be mice elf agin)" is a valid song title, it really is time to pack it in.

• Hang a towel from your pants. You'll always be ready for flag football!

• "If you ain't true to yaself, then you ain't true to nobody. Live yourself for someone else and you ain't livin'. Straight up fact."