Pinch Me, I'm Dreaming

I woke up one day recently to find that something amazing had happened. Something had happened to me that was so amazing, I'd have to describe it as "miraculous".

In shock, I found myself trying to figure out what to do with myself, trying to decide what to do. Should I dance? Should I call someone? Can I just send out a mass email? On the one hand, when a miracle happens, this is not the time for emails. On the other hand, I really would prefer email...

But then the celebration was tinged by a creeping doubt: what if I was dreaming?

I've had this kind of thing happen to me before and every time it has, it turned out to be a dream. What a let down it'd be for that to happen again. I looked around and everything seemed real, I looked inside my thoughts, I was fully conscious and awake. How can one tell whether you're asleep or awake?

I remembered that in TV and movies whenever anyone wants to do this test they pinch themselves. Sadly, I regret to report that I couldn't think of any better idea than what I had seen in TV and movies.

But what is this test, really? Is it that a pinch that's painful will wake you up if you're dreaming? Or is it that a pinch that isn't painful means you must be asleep? I'm now a few levels down the rabbit hole in the confusion department but lacking anything else, I decided to try. I pinched myself and I felt an uncomfortable sensation but I definitely wouldn't go so far as to describe it as pain. Hmm.

Some time later I woke up. It had all been a dream and I had been fooled into a false hope once again. Even in my not-fully-awake state I knew it was time for a control test. I pinched myself and found a somewhat uncomfortable sensation but certainly not painful. This is due to the "I couldn't find a name for it on the internet effect" where hand muscles are weak immediately upon waking up.

So the Pinch Test, which I still don't really understand, is useless anyway because it yields the same results in both situations... unless I'm asleep now... And my life hasn't drastically changed for the better recently either.