Wheel of the Worst #23

 Ah the joys of video randomization: New Look Delegate Keep Fit Ill.

Does Anybody Remember Sitcoms?

 

And yet, wouldn't "The Ocean" have been more appropriate?

Late Show - The "Next Time Bring Your Sister" Saga

 

I had completely forgot the structure of this segment but I definitely remembered the way it ends. It's interesting the way memory works.

I would like to know who came up with this as a premise for a comedy skit. Whoever it is, they have a very different concept of comedy than I. I can't conceive of any way this was ever going to be funny, other than how it actually unfolded.

The Mr. T Cinematic Universe

 

So I was watching the cartoon "Mister T" (as you do) and in whatever particular episode I was watching they make a passing comment that Mr. T is scared of flying in airplanes. Alarm bells went off in my brain instantly. Being afraid of flying is a trait of the character B.A. Baracus in the fictional TV show "The A-Team," not the real person Mr. T. I wondered, "Why is the Mr. T character in "Mister T" (essentially a version of Mr. T) exhibiting the same traits as a fictional character played by Mr. T"?

Well that incident led me on a journey of discovery and although I don't think I've reached the end of the journey (will I ever?), I am here to release the fruits of my research. I am unveiling The Mr. T Cinematic Universe.

The Data

Figure 1.

Listed across the four columns of Figure 1 (above) are the specific traits that the Mr. T character displays in the MTCU. Each row represents one of the three major Mr. T television shows. Each row/column intersection cites the specific episode or episodes where each trait is expressed in that particular television series.

As you can see, and as the data shows, Mr. T hates flying, is accused of a crime he didn't commit, has a special connection with children and loves milk in ALL THREE TV series - except for one trait in one show. It's a very interesting exception and I will have to explore it in more detail some time. And... that time has come...

"Drink Your Milk, Billy"

Figure 2.

In the MTCU, Mr. T eschews alcohol and loves milk (Figure 2) and particularly in the 80's it was very important to convince kids to drink more milk (for some reason). So it would seem a foregone conclusion that one of the life lessons that "Mister T," a Saturday Morning Cartoon aimed at children, in the 1980's, that teaches life lessons, would evangelize would be "Be sure to drink your milk." It's so obvious that it requires no explanation - this was fated to be part of the very fabric of the show. Right?

It was even mocked on SNL in the famous "Stay in school, don't do drugs and drink your milk" skit.

This is what we remember: the "Mister T" told kids to drink milk, perhaps repeatedly - perhaps every episode?

But it's all a lie. It never happened. Somehow, Mr. T never endorses milk in "Mister T." Not once. Not ever. Question me if you like, watch any episode to prove me wrong, call it "The Mandela Effect" if you need to and you're of that persuasion, but it never happened.

Additional Data Points

We've already seen that Mr. T's three major Television series show a large amount of cohesion, but we can expand the data outward to various other works in the Mr.T oeuvre. Doing so, we sacrifice some cohesion but also expand the number of similarities and "coincidences". Here are a few examples. This list is not exhaustive.

Mr. T:

Is a Vietnam Vet: Mr. T plays a Vietnam Vet in "The A-Team" and the TV Movie "The Toughest Man in the World."

Is a Boxer: 

• "The Toughest Man in the World" 
• "Penitentiary 2" 
• "Rocky III"
• "T&T" - Backstory
• "Wrestlemania II"
• "Out of This World" - S04E01

Has a Special Connection with Children (in addition to those in Figure 1):

• "D.C. Cab"
• "Diff'rent Strokes" - S06E01
• "The Toughest Man in the World"
• "Goldy 3: The Search for the Golden Bear"
• "A Christmas Dream"
• "Blossom" - S04E21

Has a Particularly Close Relationship with his Mom (in addition to Figure 1):

• "The A-Team" - S04E04, Multiple
• "T & T" - Technically his aunt, Multiple
• "Mr. T's Commandment - Title Track
• "Treat Your Mother Right" - (Single) 

Is a Teetotaler/Loves Milk (in addition to Figure 1): Don Rickles jokes about the real Mr. T loving milk in "Dean Martin Celebrity Roast: Mr. T."

MTCU Heresies

Figure 3.

Though in the MTCU, Mr. T usually refuses alcohol and loves milk, in "The Toughest Man in the World" he mocks a man for drinking milk at a bar. It's uncanny.

Though Mr. T usually has a severe fear of flying, in the movie "Spy Hard," he plays a helicopter pilot (Figure 3).

Conclusion

 So this is all the data but what does it all mean in the larger picture? Any two fictional characters can share any trait by coincidence but this number of coincidences over so many characters and media can not simply be dismissed.

I believe there are a few clues that point us toward a certain conclusion. The first clue is in the common Mr. T traits that I haven't bothered tracking. One could mention how often Mr. T plays a muscular person, has a mo-hawk hair style, wears gold chains, dresses distinctively, speaks gruffly, etc. but it seemed unnecessary. Obviously he can't completely change himself from character to character. Well, he can't change the muscles, but he could get a different hair style ("Martin" S05E05) and he could take off the chains... he could easily dress differently, in fact, we assume different fictional characters will.

The other clue is how many different levels of reality in which the characters exist. You may have noticed that most of the time the traits are exhibited in fictional characters, but I've snuck a few real life ones in there and there are some that are in a no-man's-land in between the two. In "Mister T," Mr. T is playing both a fictional character and himself - it's a fictional version of himself. When he boxes in "Wrestlemania II" it's really him but the outcome is pre-determined. When he shows up in "Blossom, he's entering a fictional world as himself. When Mr. T releases songs to teach kids lessons, can we say he's playing a role at least to some extent?

Mr. T being expressed in various levels of reality and the fact that we never bother to question his otherwise strange traits, it shows Mr. T's dual nature as real and imagined. Mr. T, the person, is such a larger than life "character," he blurs the line of reality. The real Mr. T is so interesting, the writers of fiction are forced to plagiarize just to keep up. The reason his characters love their mom is because he loves his mom. He plays a bodyguard in "Silver Spoons" and he was a bodyguard. He plays boxers, he was a boxer. In "T & T" he's a boxer turned lawyer - in real life his fighting got him sued over 200 times. He plays a wrestler, he was a wrestler. The "character" has a mo-hawk and chains because everybody knows Mr. T sports a mo-hawk and chains. How are you going to top that? In "Mister T" he plays a kids' gymnastics coach, he was at one point a gym teacher. He plays a veteran, he was in the military. He doesn't drink alcohol because he doesn't drink alcohol; he loves milk in the show, he loves milk for real (if Don Rickles is to be believed)...

Mr. T is such a unique character, the entertainment industry simply starts with the real person and uses that as a "jumping off point" to go from there to flights of fancy. He is typecast as himself. They can't create anything more interesting, how could they? And who can blame them? And at some point in the past, on some show or other, some executive said of a fictional character, "It's Mr. T so he's afraid of flying" and the character and the actor have become conflated in a new way, a mythology has been created. And what does the mythology do, what can it do, except build upon itself and evolve over time. But if the commonalities of the Mr. T Cinematic Universe can be explained by a Mr. T character mythology and if the basis of the mythology is actually the real person living among us, then the universe which we now know as "The Mr. T Cinematic Universe" is really our own.

Popcorn in Bed - Rocky IV

 Yes, it's here: Rocky IV. It's Rocky vs. "Roid-rage Steroid Cheater Face."

I'm really looking forward to Rocky V. Rocky V has the reputation of being the worst one and almost killing the franchise. But I think it's underappreciated.

Month #3: France Snacks

 AHHHHHHH! The... French... snacks have always been known for their excellence. There is a California snack by Paul Masson...

This month's set of snacks is French Snacks. Before we get started, let's learn a little about France.

There are no stop signs in Paris - there are traffic lights and roundabouts but no stop signs.

In the 1970's a group of wallabies escaped from a zoo and still today you can find wallabies in the forests around Emance.

All French pharmacists are trained to identify mushrooms.

Every year at the French city of Dunkirk, 40,000 people attend the Dunkirk Carnival to have raw herring dumped on their heads.

1) Bret's Potato Chips Flavour Aioli

Review:

I'll be honest, I don't know what aioli is. I've heard the term a lot and I'd bet I've even eaten it but I don't know what it is. According to the internet, aioli is generally mayonnaise with garlic but in France, where it originated, it's garlic emulsified in oil.

These are mostly like American potato chips, they're even ruffled, but they are distinctly French. Firstly, they're much crunchier than American chips - I don't know the reason, just that they are. Secondly, there is a strong aioli flavor. 

I'm not crazy about these but I'm not crazy about any potato chips so... But they're pretty good.

2) Corn Snack - Cheesy Flavor

Review:

Judging by the photo on the package, they appear to be like Bugles. I don't know if you can tell that from the picture, I apologize, it came out blurry. But they're not exactly like Bugles, they're more square shaped though curvy. They do taste like other corn snacks you might have had, though. The texture and composition is like Munchos, there is a hint of corny Bugle-ness and there is also a hint of cheese.

There is only a hint of cheese... at first. As you go, the cheese grows and grows until it's the only flavor. And now that it's strong, I can tell you it's very French cheese, it's none of that faux-cheddar that we assume when we see "cheese" on a label. This is a more sophisticated cheese in one's fried corn snack.

Overall, I'd put these in the middle-of-the-road category. They are crunchy and salty and fulfill their minimum snack requirements but there's nothing really great about them.

3) Mini Strawberry BonBons Chewy Candy

Review:

The term "Bon Bon" has mystified me at various parts of my life. When I was little, my grandmother had chocolate-covered ice cream treats called "Bon Bons" but then that term was applied to things that were very different, this candy being the latest example.

But now it makes sense. "Bonbon" is the french word for candy but in the rest of the West usually refers to chocolate confections. The name derives from "bon" which means good. 

These are little pink spheres covered in powdered sugar. They're that artificial strawberry flavor and chewy but on the hard end of the chewy spectrum. They taste pretty exactly like strawberry Mentos so you can buy Mentos and get the same effect. Good though.

4) Sablés Pur Beurre

Review:

Yeah, that's right, I typed the e with an accent mark above it. So what? Big whoop, wanna fight about it?

These are shortbread cookies, obviously. They are very shortbready, very buttery, very good. The American equivalent of these is Pepperidge Farms Chessmen. Chessmen are one of my favorite cookies but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that these are better. Of all the snacks in all the reviews I've done these are contenders for the top snack.

What makes a good cookie is highly subjective, of course, but if you like Chessmen, try these and see which is better. These are worth typing the e with an accent. I regret nothing!

5) Truffles Bar by Mathez

Review:

As the wrapper suggests, there's no "bar" involved, it's 4 chocolate truffles.

How to describe chocolate that is the same as, and different from, every chocolate I've ever had? I will try.

It starts out as dry and powdery - as if you're eating clumped baking chocolate. But as it melts in your mouth it becomes smooth - ultra smooth, the smoothest chocolate I've ever had. And it's cocoaey like hot cocoa. It's amazing. Top marks, amazing chocolate.

---

And that's it. We'll see you back here for Month #3.