RLM - The Jay vs. Mike Trivia Rematch

 

Not a single question about "The Straight Story"...

Mr. T on Suddenly Susan (1996)

 

If you look up "average sitcom" in the dictionary, it's just a picture of "Suddenly Susan". No one remembers it, no one cares about it, but at the time, it was mildly successful. What I recall of it is that it has a conflict, the conflict is resolved and there are jokes.

Mr. T appears in two episodes, both in the first season - and plays two different characters. No one cares about any of this, so let's get to it...

In the first episode ("Hoop Dreams"), Susan joins a basketball team and is so successful that she forgets her friends and has to learn the value of teamwork or how not to be an awful person or something like that. What does this have to do with Mr. T? Nothing. Mr. T has nothing to do with the plot.

In a cutaway scene, Jack Richmond (Judd Nelson) - who is feuding with his mother in law - goes to get a massage. Instead of the normal masseuse, in walks Mr. T (courtesy of said mother in law) and we can tell by his demeanor that it will not be a soothing session.

It's a funny gag but that's all it is - it has nothing to do with the story and it's a scene that lasts a few seconds. And despite the mohawk and gold jewelry, Mr. T is not playing himself, he's playing the character of "Arnie".

In the second episode, Jack attends a high-stakes poker game with some high rollers. The other people at the game include Willie Brown (then Mayor of San Francisco), John McEnroe, President Donald Trump and Mr. T. These are all the real celebrities playing themselves.

Mr. T wearing a giant plate is unsettling. As far as I can tell, it's invented by the writers in order to set up a joke about looking at Mr. T's cards by reflection. It makes no sense and I can't figure it out. But more than that, he's barely recognizable with no hair or beard. This would be a complaint except we can deduce he probably lost all his hair in chemo treatments at this point. So, fair enough.

The star-studded table makes for some good gags. At one point someone makes a "I pity the fool!" joke and Mr. T barks, "That's not funny, that's old and hackneyed!"

The main oddity that gets me is that Mr. T has two appearances on "Suddenly Susan" and the one where he looks exactly Mr. T, he's Arnie and the one where he looks nothing like Mr. T, he's playing Mr. T.

But there is an even greater oddity in this second episode.

In the show, Jack loses his magazine in the poker game and the workers at the magazine don't like the new owner. So a contingent, led by Kathy Griffin, propose to create their own magazine. So they go to Donald Trump to raise funds (?) and try to woo him with this magazine cover:

 The caption reads "Our Next President?"

Mr. T on Martin (1996)

 

It's Halloween and Martin comes home excited that he's found a house to buy. Gina is cautious but Martin is sure she'll love it because it's a giant mansion that's selling for only $50,000. There's no time to waste so the two, and all their friends, dressed in their Halloween costumes, ditch the Halloween party they were going to go to and check out the house instead.

The seller of the house is Mr. Jenkins.

And holy crap, it's Mr. T with a normal haircut and a long beard! It took 16 years but we've finally reached his first role playing an average person with a normal haircut! "Normal" - but not for long.

So, they give Mr. Jenkins the down payment and he gives them the keys. It's an interesting transaction - what about the inspection, what about the realtors, what about signing legal documents for 8 hours straight? No? Just cash for a key, huh? What about all the furniture, paintings and decorations in the house? I guess they come with it? Okay, well that's convenient because they can hang out in the mansion for Halloween night. And wouldn't you know it, haunted happenings are afoot and Martin's friends start disappearing one-by-one.... by a mummy!

Eventually the haunted mummy comes after Martin but Martin defeats him and is able to free his friends. When they unmask the mummy, it turns out to be Mr. Jenkins who has been selling this house "for over a year. He takes people's down payments and then scares them off." Except what about the part where he scares people by kidnapping them and locking them in a secret passage? The police knew about that but let it continue? Are the victims dead? The police just let them die?

I still like "Martin." It is mostly a basic run-of-the-mill sitcom but Martin Lawrence's physical comedy and wacky other characters do elevate the material, raising it above the vast wasteland of average sitcoms.

Mr. T in Spy Hard (1996)

 

Well here's a new one...

I watched "Spy Hard" because Mr. T is in it. That's obviously my purpose. And Mr. T literally dies within the first minute of the movie. He doesn't even make it to the opening credits.

Mr. T plays a helicopter pilot and that's somewhat ironic given that T is known for playing characters who are afraid to fly. His phobia may be well founded because the helicopter blows up with him inside.

So it's an 81 minute movie and T is gone and there are still 80 minutes left to go. "Spy Hard" is a Leslie Nielson spoof movie that sends up James Bond-type spy "thrillers." But then it also goes to weird extremes to also spoof movies like "Home Alone", "Jurassic Park" and "Sister Act." I mean "Sister Act?!"

I really have a soft spot for these cheap spoofs but this one is not quite up to par. Especially since the spy genre was so well covered "Get Smart" and later by "Austin Powers." There will be another spoof movie that WILL be up to par, and in fact be exceedingly good, but that's for another time...

Mr. T on Battlecade: Extreme Fighting #1 (1995)

 "Battlecade Extreme Fighting" is an early "Extreme Fighting", MMA event that struggled to make money and went out of business. It is responsible for coining the term "mixed martial arts".

I personally could not be less interested in Mixed Martial Arts but this has T in it so I've watched it.

Mr. T acts as the sideline reporter - each time a match is won, he interviews the winner in the locker room. In the first interview he asks, "What kind of maneuver did you use?" and then "How long have you been fighting?" and then that's it. In the second interview he asks, "What kind of maneuver did you use?" and then "How long have you been fighting?" and then that's it.

T is clearly not a great interviewer at first - not only is he dealing with live television and trying to think on his feet, this is his first time doing it. He does improve and gets more comfortable as the event goes along, in fact in some of the later interviews, there is a genuinely interesting exchange. It's an impressive improvement over a short period of time. It should be noted also that the position of the sideline reporter is one of the most useless jobs in the world. Athletes who have just come out from the field or floor can't speak and have nothing to say, usually. But Mr. T can be my sideline reporter any time.

The most important, most interesting fight will not be shown or even alluded to in the broadcast. Two months before this appearance, Mr. T was diagnosed with cancer. 

Diagnosed in September 1995 of T-Cell Lymphoma ("Can you imagine that?! Cancer with my name on it -- personalized cancer.") in his ear, he would undergo a month of successful treatment. 11 months later, the cancer would return, popping up "like popcorn" all over his body. The fight would go on for several years. 

"I pity the fool who just gives up. We all gonna die eventually from something or other, but don't be a wimp. Put up a good fight. Don't sit around waiting on death. We can be tough. We can be determined. Go out and have some fun and make death find you! We can be living with cancer, not dying from it. We can be cancer survivors."

"One more thing," adds Mr. T. "If you don't remind me that I have cancer then I won't remember either, because I am too busy living. If you see me, please come by and shake my hand; give me a hug, a thumbs-up or a high five; take a photo with me, or let's do lunch, because cancer ain't contagious. That would really make my day."

LGIO - Parkasaurus

 Should be called Parkasaurus Rex.