Michael Jackson - Starlight (Demo)

 An interesting demo. Too bad it never worked out.

Moscow! Moscow! An-da-nim-don-denden...

 Ok, very funny youtube. Earlier I mentioned I was watching Reagan's visit to the U.S.S.R. and so I suppose that's the reason that youtube is suggesting this video to me:

The comments are good on the video too. One rightly points out: the look is Mongolian, the lyrics are German, the subject is Russia... What is going on down there? Who is the real hero? AH-AH-AH-AH-AH!

I was going to give deep analysis about how the style of the video represents the Soviet ideology but the video is German so I got nothin'.

I have 2 dares for you. 1) Watch this entire video. 2) Try not to watch it many times after that.

Ronald Reagan - Berlin Wall Speech

 I'm reading Ronald Reagan's autobiography right now and I got up to the speech at the Berlin Wall. So I figured I'd watch it.

Even today it's a stirring speech. 

Ronald Reagan's autobiography is good but it is detailed. It's 775 pages and most of it is the 8 years of the presidency.  The letters between Reagan and Gorbachev go back and forth, back and forth, on and on for quite a while.

I'm watching now Reagan speaking to Moscow State University and there's no interpreter. I can't figure out how that works. It doesn't seem possible that they all know english, in the Q&A section they're asking in Russian.... I don't see them wearing headphones as if there's an audio translation. I don't get it.

Game Grumps - RIP Vickie, You Will Not Be Missed

 

Vicki was weak and stupid.

Late Night - Conan and Andy on the Aisle

 Conan and Andy bring you up to speed on the Oscars (of 2000).

My Pick: The best movie is "The Insider" despite the parts meant for children. If you haven't seen it, it really is fantastic.

Game Grumps - Spoiler Owl

 It's the worst character since the FedEx Pope... it's Spoiler Owl!

What Happens When You Microwave a Brisket?

 

I had a grandmother who used to make everything in the microwave. That scene in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" when the dry turkey explodes basically gives you an idea of some of the adventures my family used to have. But I enjoy when people ignore conventional wisdom to run the experiment and gather the data anyway because life is full of surprises.

Best of the Worst - Blood Shack

 

Ronald Reagan and James Dean

 Who knew Ronald Reagan and James Dean once acted together? I didn't.

Reagan's a little wooden but everyone looks wooden next to James Dean. There has never been a more compelling actor, even with slightly stilted lines, MAN.

Revisiting Black Men United

This song was big for me in 1994 and it recently started getting stuck in my head again, all these years later.

A few thoughts.

I never knew how popular any particular song (U Will Know by Black Men United) was and therefore never knew if this was a big hit or not. With 7 million plays on youtube it appears it wasn't very popular.

This is one of those "everyone gets together for charity" things that was so popular back then. Such a thing is mocked now but I think it holds up.

On the song are Tevin Campbell, El DeBarge, Gerald Levert, Tony Toni Toné, Boyz II Men, Al B. Sure!, Lenny Kravitz, R. Kelly, Brian McKnight, Silk, Keith Sweat, Usher, D'Angelo and many other people. Who would have thought that the most remembered 30 years later would be R. Kelly. Yikes.

Tevin Campbell. Remember Tevin Campbell. Man, that takes me back. I wonder what he's doing these days.

I always took for granted that this was a Gospel song. Reading the lyrics now, it has nothing to do with it, it's basically just motivational speaking. They still have a certain strength, I think, probably due to the music.

I have one big problem with the video. At 1:24, when the lyrics say "boys to men" they cut to video of Boys II Men. I want to take the editor aside and say, "Come on, man. Too obvious."

As you can see in the video, this song was made for the movie "Jason's Lyric" which I don't think I've ever seen. I always get "Jason's Lyric" confused with "Poetic Justice". I might have to watch "Jason's Lyric" to settle the score.

The Super Bowl of Life

As always, I have an ongoing project to boycott the Super Bowl as long as I don't have a rooting interest (Pre-2011, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2020). And let's face it, this idea jumped the shark years ago and now it's just going through the motions. 

This year I decided to do the hacky thing of revisiting a cheesy 80s sitcom that I remember watching as a kid. Due to the recent death of Cloris Leachman, "The Facts of Life" has been rolling around in my head lately and it also has the added advantage of having an all-female cast, perfect for Super Bowl counter-programming. So I went with it...

In case anyone doesn't know, "The Facts of Life" was a fairly popular sitcom that ran from 1979 to 1988. It centered around an all-girls' school dormitory, specifically centering around the same four or five students for the vast majority of the show's run. It sounds strange, looking back - how many all-girls' boarding schools were there in US in the late 70s? Is this one of those fake situations that only exists on television because I've never heard of such a thing ever in my life.

Coming into this thing I thought "The Facts of Life" was a rather unfortunate title for a show about an all-girl's school dormitory. I mean, it has an original meaning, I'm sure, but over the years it's taken on a euphemistic meaning that suggests this all-girls show is going to deal with adult themes week after week. And that would be impossible. The powers that be would never let that happen. And that is what is known as foreshadowing.

Season 1, Episode 1

Best to start at the beginning. This isn't technically the pilot episode, but let's not get technical for "Facts of Life" please.

The theme song. Although I remember it fondly, the theme song for "Facts of Life" has got to be one of the worst in the world. At least in this Season, it is an abomination. Hear it for yourself, I dare you. The theme in later seasons, will reveal itself to be fine, but in the earliest rendition they have Mrs. Garret singing on it and it sounds like something from "Sesame Street". In a weird way it really reminds me of the theme to "Too Many Cooks" and that's especially appropriate since, in the first season at least, the accompanying video hilariously introduces 30,000 smiling kid characters.

So as our story begins, I find that "The Facts of Life" is a spin-off of "Diff'rent Strokes" - Mrs. Garret who is the housekeeper(?) for Mr. Drummond (and the boys) has suddenly gotten a job as a Head Mistress(?) for a girls' school. The characters of "Diff'rent Strokes" are visiting and we're right in the middle of the Harvest Fair. The girls need to decide who will run for Harvest Queen, which is like a beauty contest or something. The tomboy girl is discouraged from running because she's really into sports, wears pants and really likes touching other girls. And then Blair insinuates that with the sports and the dress and with all the enjoyment of the touching of the girls, she's secretly a lesbian and THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR. I am so uncomfortable. What is happening?! Isn't this a carefree 80s sitcom?! This is not how this goes. I should have watched "Knight Rider".

Out of Context Gary Coleman

At the dramatic moment where the tomboy girl declares that she is worried that she might be a lesbian, the audience claps and we go to commercial. I remember this kind of thing. It instantly identifies the show's era because that tradition is so utterly specific to that time. I can't imagine anyone doing such a thing today. And looking at it now, I'm sure it would strike the average viewer as so bizarre that the problem is set up and in the midst of the shock and despair, the audience just starts applauding like it's their favorite thing. I like to picture a full crowd of people who thrive on human suffering all gathered together to watch show tapings week after week. 

If you want an idea for a funny youtube video, edit and compile together all the worst tragedies depicted in sitcoms with the ecstatic audience ovations that followed. One goldmine would be "All in the Family". I think it also happened in "Three's Company" but apparently it's an idea that was specific to, and originated in, Norman Lear shows - they wanted the first Act of the show to be like the first Act of a play and the audience applauds between each of the acts in plays. That's a connection that has since been severed and now the phenomenon just appears inexplicable. That's another youtube video: show it to Millenials and watch the confusion.

So anyways, the girl might be a lesbian and so what can you do but accuse Blair is accused of basically being a slut because this is a family show that I watched as a kid. So then the lesbian and the slut compete for Harvest Queen and after some sexual exploration, the girl determines she isn't a lesbian and Blair isn't really a slut and the girls are talking about puberty I am a 40 year old man watching this and I don't want to be and by the way I am very, very uncomfortable and this is not how this is supposed to go. I did not know what I was getting myself into, this was a huge mistake.

Season 1, Episode 2

In this episode, the parents are visiting and the whole dorm is celebrating France for some reason. The first two episodes both begin with visitors and both have a special "event" somehow. In this episode, we are really switching things up because now it's Blair's mom that's accused of loose morals - specifically having an affair with the married male parent. I would complain about how it's another serious episode but I'm thankful that it revolves around adults this time. Oh yeah, except... There's this one part of the episode that's utterly bizarre... 

There's one point where Blair's mother introduces her to an adult male parent and tells her to kiss him. Blair refuses, citing the fact that she's a child and he's an adult and she just met him. Pretty sound logic, I think, hah hah hah, heh... But her mother is the boss and doesn't agree and forces her do it anyway. So that's not good for anyone. And do you suppose this awfulness is setting something up, you think this is part of the plot in any way? Nope. That's it. It just happens.

In the end, in the last few moments of the show, the mother redeems herself by wearing an apron and baking a casserole. This is the visual manifestation of the idea that she will not be sleeping around anymore. Did she really have an affair with the other parent? Forget that... apron + casserole = satisfying resolution.

Notable in this episode is how many "big joke" moments go by that are met with absolute silence from the audience. I'm still feeling the chilling awkwardness of the previous episode and the silence really plays on that nerve. They seem afraid and I can relate. By the way, Molly Ringwald is in this show.

Season 1, Episode 3

Okay, we are 3 episodes in and I want to die.

So we've got a creepy vibe going and this episode is going to keep that party going as it opens with an elderly man coming into the dorm where he is met with fawning and adulation from all the teenage schoolgirls. They fall over themselves because he's just so handsome...

Pictured: Every Girl's Fantasy

Seriously, the way they act it's as if George Clooney walked in the door (and he who won't show up until Season 7).

Not much to say about this episode, I think my brain is actively blocking it out.

Season 1, Episode 4

Ok, this is the "dieting/anorexia" episode that you have to expect comes standard with every sitcom of the era. This is a serious subject but compared to what's come before, I will take it all day, every day. 

In this particular week, every female in the place decides they're too fat and needs to lose weight. Dieting, healthy food, calories. But one of the girls takes it too far and stops eating altogether. At the end of the first act a little girl collapses from hunger and the audience claps thunderously. The site of an unconscious malnourished girl elicits cheers from the audience. I'm telling you, this is a thing.

Skipping Ahead...

This is not going well. But all hope is not lost for we live in the age of the Information Superhighway. This is where I can skim through the story line synopses and pick out the most lighthearted episodes yielding the most laugh-fruit for the chuckle harvest. 80s nostalgia do your magic...

Oh no...

I... um...

Well...

Ok, so it's not all despair, exactly. I mean, it's pretty much all despair but some of the descriptions of serious topics can sound strangely humorous...

I mean, I have to admit that I've read "Tootie refuses to believe she is suffering from hearing loss until she is in an accident" over 20 times and it still makes me laugh. This is my new Away Message if AOL IM is still around. Could that be my epitaph?

Interesting things happening at the beginning of Season 9, a two-part episode:

What were you thinking, Richard Moll? I am glad it has a happy ending and that justice was served. 

At first I thought this was a mistake, referring to Richard Moll by his real name rather than his character's name in the show. But his character's name really is Richard Moll so I guess he's playing himself? Richard Moll lives in the FoL cinematic universe.

Nope. Nope. This can't be real. If this was real, I would have heard of it. Listen, I watched this show when I was a kid and I'm telling you there is no way they went to a male strip club. I will watch this one and definitely confirm that it is not what it's described to be.

So far we've gone through two genres of "Facts of Life" plot synopses - the horrifying and the hilarious - but there is yet a third genre... The Surreal. 

Behold:

Why would you do this to us, Kevin? Who even is Kevin?

Granted it's a Halloween show but still, pretty strange... But there are no excuses for this one:

Okay, and this isn't the last episode of the series? Let's pretend for a moment that you're a writer on this show, what are you going to make happen after that? That's amazingly final.

Season 5, Episode 8

Alright so let's clear up the strip club episode confusion. Like I said, there's no way it is what it sounds like, it could not be real, so I had to watch it for myself.

And, it's real.

As the episode begins, Blair is happy with her boyfriend even though she's superficial and he's always broke. And - FOR SOME REASON - exactly as described, the girls take Mrs. Garret to a male strip club. This was a show aimed at kids (or at least teens) that aired in 1983 and they just go to the strip club. 

Do you think they omitted what went on in the male strip club and just had a scene where they came back and said, "Wow, what a crazy night"? No, the setting of the show travels inside the male strip club.

Oh sure, they showed the interior but it's basically just a restaurant, they didn't actually show men taking off their clothes and gyrating, did they? Yes indeed, they showed the "male stripping". But the women of the show are put off by it somehow, right? Oh no, Mrs. Garrett hoots and howels and drools over the man meat on display. But the "stripping" part is relatively brief (no pun intended), right? No, no, no. It goes on for WAY too long. At this point in the episode, my notes just say: "The stripping is going on forever. So much stripping! Why won't it stop? I watched it. I watched all of it. Croatan."

And the point of the scene, this very long scene, is that one of the male strippers turns out to be Blair's boyfriend and this was a secret he was keeping from her and something about gender hypocrisy... I don't know, I'm not spending any time applying thought to anything, no object lesson is worth this.

Season 9, Episode 24

End it. Just end it.

We're down to the last episode of the series and it should appear strange to you that a show about a girls' school could last 9 seasons with the same cast. Somebody has to graduate sometime.  This is one of the mysteries of the series - I don't know all the details but here's what I gather. 

It appears that after they graduated high school (Season 4) they went to college for another 4 years and all lived together still somehow(?) and then after they graduated (Season 8) they all got jobs at the same place and all live together still somehow(?). It's not a great advertisement for their boarding school that all the graduates go on to college and end up working at a clothes store. Is it a clothes store? Eh, who cares.

At any rate, in the last two episodes Blair has bought the old school that they all used to go to and becomes the new Head Mistress. So you see, it's all come full-circle, she is now in the position that Mrs. Garrett was in and now there is a whole new cast of kids class of students. Only this time, the school has become co-ed but it's still a boarding school. So now I ask you, how many co-ed boarding schools were there in 1988? Drop a comment on this webzone if you've heard of a co-ed boarding school.

Blair is only in charge of the girls, so there is a man in charge of the boys and it looks like there's going to be a will-they-won't-they situation between Blair and the guy in addition to all the hi-jinks that the kids are going to get up to blah, blah, blah. It's basically setting up a whole new show in the next season that never happened so none of it matters. It's harmless 80s laughs with a school setting in 1988 - it all feels very "Saved by the Bell: The New Class". It's very canned and boring but at least I can watch it without fear sweat.

The only interesting thing about this episode is it has Juliette Lewis, Mayim Bialik and Seth Green as very young kids.

That's it. I should have watched the football. I regret everything.

Fin.

Game Grumps - My Infinite Power...

 

Why Brownie Skin?

 A two-part series on the science of shiny brownie skin. That's it. That's the post.

Korean Snack Reviews #2

... And we're back!!!

This is part of the continuing mission to try and review, to the extent that I can, random Korean and Japanese snacks. If you've missed the earlier installments, don't bother, they're not good.

1.

Translated Name: "Sa bu lay" (a phonetic translation of the French "Sable")

Review:

So it's another Korean snack that isn't really Korean. The last one was Italian, this one is French. Should I even be reviewing it? Answers on a postcard to the usual address...

So this is a pretty normal, French cookie. It looks like this:

So nothing crazy. Tastewise, this is a good, quality cookie. It's in the same ballpark as a Nilla Wafer. Not the same, mind you, but in that general ballpark. Would be great with milk, I think.

2.

Translated Name: Rice Cracker/Cookie

Review:

Man, the name of the snack really takes the thunder out of my review. It tastes pretty much like a rice cake - it’s a long slab of airy, crispy rice cake. That's in general, but then there are differences: it’s also covered in salt and has an MSG taste. It's almost like a crisp, airy Funyon. There’s also a hint of something burnt. As you can tell, it's an interesting experience but it's more "interesting mystery" than actually delicious. I don't trust a rice cake. Never trust a rice cake.

3.

Translated Name: Yakwa (Sweet and oily traditional Korean cookie)

Review:

OK strap in, Jub Jubs because this is going places. It's money time, Chacos.

Spoiler alert: this is the most interesting snack in this episode, possibly of the entire series.

So technically you'd expect a cookie or a cracker but it's kind of like that but altogether different. The consistency is waxy and slightly gummy like it's a distant Korean cousin of Candy Corn or something. So that's strange but then there's the taste.

At first it starts out tasting like play dough. It's not full play dough but it's like 10% play dough. But then it morphs. As it goes on, the taste transitions into tasting like a nice plain donut. I kid you not - it's candy corn that starts out as play dough and becomes a candy donut. And, as I am a donut lover, I declare this to be amazing. Not that it's the best tasting snack ever, necessarily, but the weirdness and eventual destination make this real Willy Wonka stuff here.

4.

Translated Name: Ko-so-mi (Unknown, maybe "sesame"? The side text mentions cracker)

Review:

They look like this:

As you can see, this is pretty much in the cracker family. This is a very cookie and cracker heavy installment. But the white powder on top isn't salt, it's sugar. So at first it's sweet like a cookie, really like a graham cracker and then it turns savory. More specifically, it has some sort of a grainy taste at the end that I can't identify. It's similar to a Wheat Thin.

It's good, it's a mixture of sweet and savory but there's nothing amazing here. It's just a nice cracker kind-of-thing.

5.

Translated Name: Grain Cookie

Additional Text: Nature

Review:
The picture is largely accurate but the cracker has tiny black spots that don't really come through in the photo. They're weird, they're obviously a seed or a grain but they look like mouse droppings. This is yet another cracker/cookie mashup that I don't have a lot to say about. It very much tastes like if you took a Social Tea Biscuit and muted it somewhat with some graininess added.

And that's it. We'll be back next time with Japanese Snacks #2. Thanks again to Nathan for the translations.