Wild Horses (2015)

 

"Wild Horses" sucks, Craig.

Continuing my exploration of Robert Duvall movies and I cannot be definitive here - I haven't watched them all, nor will I - but I may have hit upon the worst movie Robert Duvall ever made.

With such a legendary actor in such a lousy movie, what scapegoat can I blame for this outrage?

Written By: Robert Duvall

Directed By: Robert Duvall

Starring: Robert Duvall.

DANG IT.

"Wild Horses" stars Robert Duvall, James Franco and Josh Hartnett (remember Josh Hartnett?). Three fine actors, and yet none of these people plays the protagonist of the movie. The protagonist of this movie is, apparently, played by one of the worst actors in the history of film. I say "one of the worst" but cannot say that she is "the worst" for I have seen Rod in "Birdemic" ....but she's clearly one of the worst. The main plot is a crime investigation of sorts - Luciana Pedraza is an Argentinian playing a Native American cop with no emotion and a Texan accent; she is paired with a cop partner (not worth looking up) who is coincidentally played by another insanely awful actor. Whenever there are scenes of these two people interacting, it's incredible, it's like staring into infinity mirror of emotionlessness.

How did this happen? How does the best American actor of his generation not weed out terrible actors when casting his own movie? Well, I can only explain the terrible lead - the terrible lead is played by his real-life wife, a woman 41 years younger than himself.

Bad acting from main characters is huge in this movie but isn't the entire problem. There's also bad acting from the minor characters - and in pivotal scenes. Very pivotal and very emotional and very terrible scenes. But also, the cinematography of this movie varies between on-par-with-Walker-Texas-Ranger and dreadful. There are moments with bad sound. These moments could have easily been fixed in ADR but weren't, somehow, for some reason. The editing is weird and awkward. The pacing is weird. The movie is lifeless and not believable - it's simply boring. At many points, this movie doesn't even feel like a movie. 

If you've ever wondered what would happen if you dropped a great actor into a terrible movie, here's your experiment. I would like to say that Robert Duvall transcends his surroundings but I can't say that. This movie is so empty and unconvincing it even makes Robert Duvall's acting seem questionable.

I looked on youtube for a scene or compilation of the bad acting in "Wild Horses" to share for demonstration, but I see nothing. That seems strange. Maybe, as bad movies go, this flew below the popular radar.

The Cinematic 90s Diner

Cigarettes & Coffee - 1993

Look at the entire aesthetic of "Cigarettes & Coffee" and compare to...

High and Dry - 1996

That's extremely close.

Of course "Cigarettes & Coffee" is Paul Thomas Anderson's short film that was later made into...

Hard Eight - 1996

And there's also...

Pulp Fiction - 1994

and 

The Big Lebowski - 1998

And if you're worried that we've jumped from the booth to the counter, I promise this is the only time. And anyways you can cover that here.

And now that we're in Comedy there's...

Can't Hardly Wait - 1998

And...

Swingers - 1996

And then if we go over to Television...

Seinfeld (1989-1998)

A Family Thing (1996)

 Robert Duvall's passing has given me impetus to revisit his filmography. Some movies are re-watches of his classics, some I'm watching for the first time. Among the "new" movies, it's a mixed bag, of course. But I have found one so far that I would consider a "hidden gem" - "A Family Thing."

Duvall stars as an older man whose mother dies and reveals in a letter that she was never actually his mother. His mother was a black woman and, oldey Southerney times being what they were, he was taken away to be raised by his white father and was never told of his heritage.

The corollary of finding his mother was black is that he has black kin who he's never met, including a black brother (James Earl Jones). Duvall sets out to meet his brother and events evolve from there.

This movie is very much a product of the 90s (both good and bad but mostly good) and it's just a very nice, fairly mundane character-study-slash-buddy-movie. It has the feel of  a play. The premise (or the casting, really) is ridiculous Robert Duvall doesn't look mixed race in any respect, but if you get past that hurdle, it's excellent. I considered it like "Back to the Future" - you just have to accept that a DeLorean was made into a time machine and then you move on. The true highlight of the movie is simply seeing two great actors - Robert Duvall and James Earl Jones - acting together.

A few more notes: the script was written by Billy Bob Thornton - this is after he'd made the "Sling Blade" short but before "Sling Blade." Secondly, James Earle Jones was a lifelong stutterer though I never saw it in any form and I doubt you did either, but in this movie he uses it as part of his character. Finally, I just to have to get out that the title is terrible. It's so uninteresting and unmemorable - it may be the sole reason this movie is so obscure.

So there you go, I'm not saying this is a classic, it is not perfect, but it's a solid, charming movie from another era with two legendary leads and I really enjoyed it.

MST3K Mac and Me is on Youtube

 

The revived "Mystery Science Theater 3000" did "Mac and Me" a while back and if you haven't seen the newish season or are a fan of "Mac and Me" - or maybe you're into watching kids in wheelchairs fall off a cliff, you sicko - this is your chance: the episode is free on Youtube.

RIP Robert Duvall

 Robert Duvall has passed away at age 95.

What a legendary actor. Time for the rundown. "The Godfather", "Apocalypse Now," "M*A*S*H", "The Conversation", "Network", "Tender Mercies", "The Natural", "Lonesome Dove", "Falling Down", "Sling Blade", "The Apostle", "Crazy Heart".

A few performance people not be aware of or may have forgotten: he was in an episode of "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" and "The Twilight Zone". He was also in Lucas' "THX 1138." He did a movie co-starring Bill Murray called "Get Low" - it's fine, it flew under the radar, but the movie doesn't live up to the cast.

And that's the thing, even in bad movies, Duvall was always good. I believe it was Roger Ebert who said that you could never catch Duvall "acting" - he always fully inhabited the character.

I would like to state my favorite performance of his but I would need to re-visit "Lonesome Dove" and "Tender Mercies" to really decide. It's been a long while. "Lonesome Dove" is Duvall's own favorite, by the way. For me, let's say, for any movie buffs reading this, my favorite performance of his is officially "The Apostle" but if we're all friends here and are able to open up without fear of mockery, my favorite may be "Days of Thunder." Sorry, he's just so good in it. A performance of his that astonishes me is "Sling Blade" - but I'm loathe to pick a "crazy" role as my favorite, it's also pretty brief.

Duvall on Westerns: "The Western is our genre in the United States of America. The English have Shakespeare, the French have Molière, the Russians have Chekhov, but we have the Western."

Norm Macdonald considered Duvall to be the greatest actor of all-time and got to interview him once. Here's that interview.

Transformers: The Movie - The Apology Tour

 

Hasbro is apologizing for traumatizing you when you were a child by killing off Optimus Prime in "Transformers: The Movie."

The natural consequence of this is that they'll be re-releasing it to theaters this May for its 40th anniversary.

I was a huge Transformers fan and was at the exact age to get hit by it as a phenomenon. I remember exactly where I was when I first saw the scene where Optimus dies. I have to say, of all the things that traumatized my childhood, this wasn't one of them. I can't explain why, and it did hit me, it just didn't hit me hard.

Popcorn in Bed - City Slickers

 

Similar to "Twins," another wide-release, crowd-pleasing, mainstream movie that we don't get anymore, it seems.

A little depressing that the Billy Crystal character has a mid-life crisis when he's younger than I am. Of course he also thinks his life sucks when he has a steady job, a wife and kids. Best not think about it too much.

Popcorn in Bed - Twins

Another delightful look back at an 80's classic.

Cassie's final thoughts in this reaction include the sentiment that "They don't make movies like this anymore." That got me thinking... I think I agree. Yes, that's become a trope but I believe it to be true. But, for the life of me, I can't figure out why. It's not Shakespeare, it's not the smartest or most elaborate movie of all-time, it's just a simple, fun, buddy comedy. In fact, I don't know if I'd even call this a "smart" comedy - this is a not-stupid, charming, general-audience pleasing light comedy. That's the bar we seemingly aren't able to reach.

Am I blinded by nostalgia? Was there a fundamental change of culture? Have studios decided they're not profitable? (And even if the latter is so, a movie of this type could easily be done independently.)

This is the movie equivalent of the secret formula of Coca-Cola. I intuit that it should be reproducible yet no one is reproducing it.

And one more mystery while we're here...

The movie makes it clear that the engine/suitcase is worth $5 million. The movie makes it abundantly, perfectly clear that the engine/suitcase is worth $5 million. And then at the end, Devito says that by turning it into the authorities, they got a $50,000 reward when they could have had $4 million. 

I've wondered about this for decades. Is that an obvious mistake or are they implying that Vincent is still dishonest, and muddling the happy ending?

Best of the Worst - Christmas or Chance

Buckle up, this year's Best of the Worst Christmas episode is nearly 2 hours long. But it's worth it, I think.

LiteWeight Reacting - Rocky

Yes, I've found another girl on Youtube watching the Rocky franchise. And while I don't expect anyone to still be with me on this pointless journey, it has to be noted.

Let it be noted that the pattern continues: women love Rocky.

Let it be noted that this is the first girl who appreciates the character of Mickey.

Let it be noted that this is the first girl who actually shows anything resembling tolerance of the character of Paulie.

I also want to re-state how impressed I am by their ability to intuit film analysis while watching a movie for the first time. As many times as I've seen "Forrest Gump," I never connected that Jenny prays to become a bird and then, during a certain climactic scene, "Free Bird" is played - she registered that. Even more impressive, she connects Lt. Dan saying "If you're ever a shrimp boat captain, that's the day I'm an astronaut." with the detail that when Dan gets prosthetic legs he mentions that they're "titanium alloy, it's what they use on the space shuttle". I believe I've heard people point out the irony that both Tom Hanks and Gary Sinise would both be playing astronauts together in "Apollo 13" but I've never heard anyone make that connection before. And on one watch. Impressive.

An Incomplete History of the Concert Film

Another great one from Polyphonic if you're into the topic.

My review of "Woodstock". 

My review of "The Last Waltz".

I should have made a review of "Stop Making Sense" by now.

Popcorn in Bed - Forrest Gump

Cassie and Carrie watch "Forrest Gump."

You can read my thoughts on the theme of the film (or one of the themes of the film) here.

Popcorn in Bed - Duel

 

 Girls watching "Duel"? Sign me up.

Duel seems to be one of those rare movies where it's both a classic and underrated. 

RLM - Ranking the Films of Joe Dante (Part 2)

Ranking the films of Joe Dante continued. Another great movie discussion.

I don't have the same relationship with the "Gremlins" movies that other people seem to have. It's probably that I didn't see them when I was a kid, I watched them later, so that may be it. I love "The 'Burbs" though and I'm glad to see it high on the list.

RLM - Ranking the Films of Joe Dante

Even if you aren't a Joe Dante fan, this is just a fun movie discussion.

Mr. Plinkett's What Happened To Star Wars?

 

I largely agree with Mr. Plinkett, aside from the fact that I have no opinions on "Andor" and "The Acolyte" because I haven't seen them. I am an old Star Wars fan who is not passionate enough to continue through the crap and also not passionate enough to complain about the crap. I've made my peace with reality, although this review brings the mourning back to the surface, ironically enough.

I miss the humorous Mr. Plinkett videos. This is solid anal-sis but it's a bit depressing, to be honest.

Clue is Coming Back to Theaters

 

Clue is being re-released to theaters to mark its 40th anniversary. Check showtimes here.

The movie will reportedly be shown for 3 nights (August 24-26), with a different ending each night. Though when I search my area for show times it has more than 3 dates, so... repeats, I guess.

Popcorn in Bed - Bringing Up Baby

Absolutely delightful.

And now I'm looking forward to "The Philadelphia Story" which DOES star Jimmy Stewart and Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn.

Best of the Worst - Star Slammer, Talos, and The Apple

RedLetterMedia's "Best of the Worst" Episode 141.

I won't spoil it but the ambition and execution of what they do at the end is what elevates this episode above the average.

The Restored Original Cut of Dirty Work

As you may know,  "Dirty Work" was supposed to be an R movie but the executives intervened and made it PG-13. Now Vinegar Syndrome has re-created the original cut and released it.

I'm not much of a fan of "Dirty Work." As much as I love Norm, and I love Chris Farley, it's an "Ok" movie that doesn't live up to the talents of either. So my first instinct toward buying this is to pass. But then again, maybe that's exactly why I should buy it. Maybe I don't like it because I've only ever seen the wrong version.