Is SNL Reading My Mind???

All throughout the Summer of 2008, me and a friend at work would periodically send a (now deleted) youtube link to each other that is essentially a shorter version of this video:

[Youtube Video Removed]

Love that song. The clip, in case you don't recognize it, is one from one of the opening scenes of "The Lost Boys" a defining movie of my youth.

The idea was you send a video link, the other person doesn't know what it is, click... oops, oily buff guy playing sax again! A catchy 80's song, a guy that's oily, buff, playing sax and, as if the clip needed more, is constantly "thrusting" his hips; this clip has it all. We'd send it to each other, I posted it on forums, I emailed people with it, I sent it via IM... I basically felt that, for me, this the new "rickroll". Apparently no one else agreed. I assure you that not only did this "rickroll" never catch on with the general public, it didn't even make the leap beyond two people!

And so I was a little astonished, watching Saturday Night Live yesterday, when this sketch aired on a nationally televised television show. See if there's any doubt in your mind as to what joke/reference is being made here and consider how truly obscure and random it would have to be:

Yeah, and I still believe.

News Report

Something significant has happened and the news organization is there:

Kimmel On Leno On Oprah On Kimmel On Leno

Or in other words, Jimmy Kimmel talks about the recent Oprah interview with Jay Leno where they discuss Jimmy Kimmel's appearance on Leno's show.

In some ways I feel bad for Leno because it really is NBC that's to blame for the entire mess but even if Jimmy Kimmel is going too far, it is entertaining to watch him go too far.

Not seen in this video: Oprah criticizes personal jokes Leno made about Letterman as being "beneath [him]". You go girl! I kind of disagree, I've watched Leno make unfunny offensive jokes for years. Leno's viewing audience doesn't complain (or perhaps register) that the jokes are offensive probably for the same reason that they don't complain that the jokes are unfunny.

Earlier on his show, Leno had said, "Letterman has been hammering me every night. You know the best way to get Letterman to ignore you? Marry him. He will not bother you. He won't look you in the eye." And then later said that Letterman's attacks surprised him because, "usually he's just taking shots at the interns."

The most surprising thing about the "counter-attack" is that Letterman didn't really attack him in the first place. He's been talking about the drama pretty consistently but has been very impartial and even defended Leno saying that Leno hadn't done anything wrong. He does, however, refer to him as "Jay 'Big Jaw' Leno" and imitate him in a high, whiny voice. But even so, that level of immature mockery doesn't call for personal, vitriolic attacks in my opinion.

The Most Expensive Comedy Skit(s) Ever

Dear Internet,

With the end of his show imminent, Conan decides to write sketches that aren't so much "funny" as they are crazy expensive in order to waste as much NBC money as possible.

With this idea, Conan presents the most expensive comedy character ever - the Bugatti Veyron Mouse with special "theme song" - the original master recording of "Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones:

The theme song means that the video can not be uploaded online because of the copyright licensing issues.

The next night Conan revealed the most expensive comedy skit ever:

This skit only held the record for one day, however, as it was surpassed the next night by this "comedy" sketch:

The Most Expensive Comedy Sketch In The World Ever

I especially got a kick out of Conan's disclaimer to the people on the internet that it was all fake because I had earlier read one of those articles. [Here I planned on linking the exact article but I was unable to re-find it. Any search will turn up similar examples.] Ah, the media. They're supposed to be our eyes and ears but it helps if they have a brain also.

The Heavy - "How You Like Me Now" & Encore

This video is significant for only one reason: talk shows are an exercise in repetition and this completely violates the pattern.

In the almost 30 years the David Letterman has had a show, I don't think he's EVER told the guest to sing it again. As far as I know, this is a phenomenon completely unique to this episode. Although the entire encore performance was not broadcast on television, much of it was. The full thing is available as a web exclusive.

Late Night Wars - The Chinese Animation

A while ago you might recall seeing the Chinese news animation of the Tiger Woods scandal. If you haven't, see it here, now.

But the hard-hitting reporters of the Chinese media have a new late-breaking story to cover: the recent late-night talk show wars. Like the Tiger Woods video, this is an actual news broadcast - this is absolutely real.

I would love to have more insight into the Chinese culture to be able to explain why they supply Sims-style reenactment videos for their stories but I'm as dumbfounded as the next guy. Even if we all lived in a Sims game, do we really need people represented as comic book heroes in a battle royale?

I wonder if they made Conan "The Hulk" because he once turned into the Hulk for a classic comedy sketch or if it's just coincidence.

The New "Law & Order"

David Letterman premiers a promo for the new "Law & Order" series:

That Ice-T always finds a job.

The Last Tonight Show

Last night was the last "Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien" ever. You can still see it for a limited time here.

From June 1, 2009 to January 22, 2010, the show lasted 7 months, 21 days and aired 146 episodes totaling 150 Hours, 52 Minutes of programming (counting commercials). I watched every single show.

I found the last episode oddly emotional. I mean, Conan isn't retiring, he doesn't have a terminal illness, he's still making tons of money, it only lasted 7 months - there isn't that much loss to really "mourn" over but nevertheless, I did feel very sad and nostalgic throughout the entire hour. The montage of great moments was a particular mix of laughter and melancholy. Seeing Wax Tom Cruise and Wax Fonzie being shot out of a cannon, Conan pool cleaning, Conan and Andy boating, the motorized podium, smashing the pumpkin, and so on, was liking looking through a photo album (yes, even though it's only a show that lasted 7 months).

Tom Hanks was good, Neil Young was good, Steve Carrell was funny. Conan's goodbye speech was especially good even though he did just do one 7 months ago. I can't decide if Will Ferrell playing with Beck, Billy Gibbons, Ben Harper and Conan, himself, was epic or kind of a waste of time. Probably it was a little of both. I love the song, the musicians and the return of "more cowbell" but I couldn't help but wish that there was an amazing singer to match the amazing music. The "comedic" aspect of it just didn't seem worth it.

Given that the show runs past midnight, the last show ended January 23, 2010 - the 5 year anniversary of Johnny Carson's death to the day.

There's no telling where Conan will end up - though it looks to me like FOX - or when he'll start airing shows - though all reports speculate that it will be MONTHS - but I'll be watching.

A final note about NBC: I made a joke before about them running their network like "Kruger Industrial Smoothing" and I have to say that doesn't even feel like an exaggeration. When Johnny Carson was on the air NBC basically had 100% of the audience. The other networks didn't even pretend to think that they could compete. When he retired, NBC took the good fortune of having the agreed upon rightful heir to the throne, David Letterman. Faced with a slam dunk, NBC decided to screw everyone and send Letterman to another network. So now they have %50 (let's say) instead of 100%. That's a bad business model and a huge public blunder but they learned an important lesson and moved on. Oh, no, wait, because 20 years later with a new, young, innovative host, they decide to piss him off too and send him to another network and now they can have, at best, 33% of the audience and a major P.R. nightmare where people generally think they (and their "new" host) are evil. A ratings share cut into three, an old and soon to be retired host, an ageing demographic, increased competition, bad press, it all sounds like good, solid planning.

In a nutshell, NBC's decision was "these ratings aren't good enough, let's cut them in half." Until such point that 2+2=5, there's no way that can make business sense. And yet somehow it happened. The most legendary franchise, the home of Steve Allen, Jack Paar and Johnny Carson is officially dead.

Epilogue: A lot happened in over the past week or so and there won't be any more Conan for a while so I'll probably post past clips from the show periodically.

Last Tonight Show Tonight

Tonight's the night. It's the last "Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien" ever. Not only will this particular show be gone forever but according to reports we won't see any Conan talk show until September. Ouch.

He's going out with style: tonight's guests are Tom Hanks and Will Ferrell with musical guest Neil Young.

Things are moving too fast at this point so I figure I'll save some stuff to post during the lull after it's gone. For now, here's the most expensive comedy character ever introduced on a talk show.

Edit: I just was watching the episode on hulu, just as Conan is about to introduce the new character, the video cuts to a commercial and when it comes back, the segment is over. Apparently they're not going to pay the money to make it available online.

Classic Roots Choice #15? You Decide!

Richard Belzer was on the show yesterday. For his intro, The Roots played "After these messages, we'll be right back!" a few times in a row. I immediately recognized this as ABC's Saturday Morning bumper theme:

I do realize that the phrase itself could be from anything, but the melody, as sung, IDs it exactly. Trust me. But that recognition (as proud as I am, and make no mistake, I am way too proud about something utterly trivial) is only half the story. What's the connection between Richard Belzer and ABC Saturday Morning/that phrase/that song? Do you know?

I have two theories:

1. Richard Belzer started his career as a crowd warmer for Saturday Night Live. So Saturday Night... Saturday Morning. This is unsatisfying as an answer because the link seems pretty tenuous - it's basically just a day of the week, and how many things in the world involve the word "Saturday"?
2. In the infamous Hulk Hogan "Sleeper Hold" episode, Richard Belzer was knocked out (supposedly) but regained consciousness in time to throw to a commercial. Possibly. Still, he doesn't use this phrase exactly and throwing to commercial is such a common thing.
3. If you look at the "Three Singer" bumpers, the man looks an awful lot like Richard Belzer. This would be a good link but it would be too good. Seems unlikely that anyone would consider song choices for Richard Belzer and recognize that he looks a lot like a claymation figure in a 10 second video from 20 years ago. If anyone DID do this, I truly would have to take my hat off to them... HAT off, not my head though.

What else could it be?

Norm Stops By At Just The Right Time

Norm stops by the Tonight Show with some encouraging words.

If you haven't been watching this week, you should be. With the NBC drama, the show has a heightened urgency, danger and relevance. It's hilarious moment after hilarious moment. In addition, it's likely the last week of shows ever so they're getting the major, major guests. So it would be impossible to try and post the highlights without posting entire shows. Nonetheless, I had to post this clip.

Song of the Moment

Insofar as this blog documents my life (it mostly documents the media of my life), this song requires a post. As I just can't stop listening to it, it very much is the song of the moment for me for this moment in time.

Passion Pit - "The Reeling"

I've only casually perused the rest of their catalog but this very much represents their style (though it's my favorite by far). I would suggest it's a new musical genre called "Ear Candy". I'm starting that and trademarking it right now. Regardless on one's taste in music, I think we can all agree that "Passion Pit" is a terrible name for a band.

Conan Sends Representative to Coco Rally

With multiple Coco rallies across the nation, Conan decided to send a representative of the show to one as a "Thank You" to all the fans.

Still, he's not taking any chances with possible assassination attempts.

A hilarious collection of the best signs held at "I'm With Coco" rallies can be found here. I suggested the rallies be called "C Parties" but no one asked me.

Jimmy Kimmel vs. Jay Leno / Wine In a Box

Want to watch the kind of train wreck that causes you visceral pain and yet you can't look away from? Sure, we all do!

Then check this out:

Do NOT put a box of wine in a microwave. I'm not sure if this is real. I hope it is.

Pump Up The Volume

The other day I watched "Pump Up The Volume" for the first time. I had seen parts of it here and there but never before had I watched it all the way through. Being an 80's teen classic, I assume most people have seen it by now so I won't explain the plot or characters in too much detail.

Basically it's the teenage 80's version of "Network". Christian Slater plays the Howard Beale character, tricking out a small shortwave radio, going on the air, telling everyone he's mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore and becoming a cult phenomenon amongst the kids at his school. All the while he's subverting the system with his verbal assault, he maintains his secret identity, attending school, getting good grades and having trouble with women. He's bold, philosophical and crude with a mic in front of him talking to hundreds but in real life he can barely make eye contact with anyone.

Basically living at that time in history sucks, being a teen sucks, parents suck, school sucks, life is depressing but you've got to work your way through it because the point of being a teenager is surviving being a teenager so you're still around when things get better.

His "shock jock" radio becomes a catalyst for increasing rebellious behavior amongst his classmates and the authorities attempt to close in and shut him down by all means necessary. The movie ends with Christian being arrested while encouraging his fans that he's just one voice and they all have a voice.

It's interesting to me how "rock 'n roll" the ending is while it's technically so depressing. As it ends, he's going to jail, his girlfriend is expelled from school, his dad (a school administrator of some type) is almost certainly going to be fired and "the man" has triumphed once again.

As the movie ends and he encourages each of his followers that they too have a voice and they should use it, the movie fades to black as we hear a audio kaleidoscope of ordinary teens broadcasting on their own stations. He's apparently inspired a revolution.

What kind of a revolution is that though? If everyone had their own radio show (and therefore the ability to reach the world) no one in the world would be listening to anyone else anyway. They're too busy broadcasting a show of their own. Everyone's talking and nobody's listening. The world's air waves of ordinary people shouting over each other. Isn't that self-defeating?Oh and by the way, if you have a million adolescents monologuing about how much life sucks, what percentage would you think actually say something interesting?

The surprising part of the PUTV revolution is that it actually happened. At the end of "The Matrix" Neo's going to wake us all up to the horrifying truth and we can ditch this illusion that the powers that be are using to keep us down but that has stayed purely in the realm of fiction. At the end of "Hackers" we're probably supposed to hack the planet and revolutionize the world but the Average Joe had no time for "3-D Flyarounds" and "going for the Kernel". The same for "V For Vendetta" probably... I don't remember. But the amazing thing about the idea proposed in "Pump Up The Volume" is that it did happen. Not that every schmoe and there mother started a pirate radio station because clearly they didn't, but the internet revolution, with people twittering, blogging, vlogging, facebooking, etc is exactly analagous to everyone broadcasting their own radio station. And just as expected, everyone's talking to everybody else and nobody's actually listening (also see "The Sound of Silence", Simon, Garfunkel, et al.).

And so "Pump Up The Volume" is in a pretty exceptional category where it spoke of a revolution that DID happen (though it obviously wasn't by direct inspiration). Teens of today, can let their voice be heard and express their viewpoints to the entire world. But isn't it a somewhat dismal and depressing revolution of which this blog is a part? Are kids better off in a world where people shout what their pets did from the mountain tops? Is it any use writing a blog and sending it out into the world if it's completely ignored? The movie argues it is. One of the central themes of "Pump Up The Volume" is the idea that talking- that "getting it out", even if nobody is listening is still an important catharsis. It argues that whether you talk to a counselor, a friend, a doll, a forum, a microphone, etc, the point is to express yourself somehow for the sake of your own sanity. With this in mind, perhaps this new technology, though appearing to be egotistical, self-important and self-indulgent, is doing some good. So be it.

Rating : 6/10 (Worth Seeing).

Teen Angst Rating : 3 Å (Teen Angst is measured in Angstroms).

Conan Carries On About Coco Carry-On

I'm holding off on a post until something official and definitive comes out but it certainly doesn't look good for "The Tonight Show" with Conan O'Brien.

But on the bright side, now's the time to get a deal on some fine carry-on luggage from the show:

[Removed Broken Video Link]

Neil Young's New Ballad

This one is best if I don't give it away but not funny at all if you don't understand.

Check it out:

If you don't get it, it's a reference to this atrocity currently sweeping the nation. I can't believe the guy had to be eliminated simply on a technicality! Sad.

The Roots Don't Know Billy Joel, Learn Billy Joel

On Thursday Jeremy Renner was on "Late Night" to promote "The Hurt Locker". After mentioning that he sometimes plays/sings with a band, Jimmy decides to have him show off his musical skills. One of his favorites is "New York State of Mind" by Billy Joel.

Jimmy: Roots, do you know "New York State of Mind"?

[Shot of The Roots looking like deer in headlights]

Jimmy: I think we stumped The Roots.

[Shot of The Roots wracking their brains in silence.]

Jeremy Renner does a solo and The Roots accompany as the melody becomes clearer.

Back from commercial, Jimmy is still disturbed. "The Roots don't know Billy Joel? I can't even believe it. You guys are in so much trouble. You don't know any Billy Joel?" Some members point fingers at other members, others hang their heads in shame. One offers, "I know who he is!"

Jimmy and Jeremy play an intense game of Perfection. At the conclusion of the segment, as Jimmy throws to commercial, The Roots play "You May Be Right". They had learned and arranged a Billy Joel song in 4 minutes.

Follow Up: Friday - First guest: Kiefer Sutherland who plays Jack Bauer in "24". The Roots play "Captain Jack". Second guest: Kerry Washington who's in a Broadway play. The Roots play "Uptown Girl". They followed their embarrassing episode one day earlier with an All-Billy-Joel extravaganza.

This phenomenon is not unheard of in my life. In an interview once, a reporter asked Thom Yorke (Radiohead frontman) if he liked any Billy Joel songs. He thought for a minute but responded that he didn't know who that was. Then after some time had passed he said something like, "Is that the guy who did that 'it's still rock 'n roll' song? Yeah, I like that one."

Not knowing who Billy Joel is?! I guess it goes to show that sometimes some artists live in a plane of existence outside the realm that you and I live in.

WTS: 1 Late Night Talk Show

While he still can, Conan is trying to sell "The Tonight Show" on craigslist in order to get something out of it.

"4 SALE: BARELY-USED LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW – MAKE ME AN OFFER!!! (Universal Studios)

--------------------------------------------------

This is a chance of a lifetime to own your very own late night talk show--guaranteed to last for up to seven months!! Really must see to appreciate.

Information for potential buyers:

- Measures 100’ x 100’ x 32’ – plenty of room for a futon!

- Designed for 11:35 but can be easily moved

- Band can be sold separately

- Buyer must honor Barry Manilow booking next Thursday

MAKE ME YOUR BEST OFFER!!!!! (Also willing to trade for Coldplay tickets.)"

See the listing here.

Ricky Gervais on The Tonight Show, New HBO Clip

It's always worth noting when Ricky Gervais appears on The Tonight Show as he's one of the funniest guests. Not one to pass up a good opportunity(or twelve), he is relentless with jokes about NBC and Conan's uncertain future.

A special, almost surreal, moment for me is when he and Conan talk about Karl Pilkington on national television. That's 'Worlds Colliding' for my life experience. He also showed a new promotional clip for the new HBO show "The Ricky Gervais Show" which features a classic Ricky and Steve Merchant improv bit.

There is no reason to divide this into 4 parts other than purely for commercials...

Part 1:

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Part 2:

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Part 3:

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Part 4:

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HBO Promo Clip:

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Ricky's on mainly to promote the fact that he's hosting Golden Globes which will be this Sunday.

Head Swap #5!

Scientifically, it you switch two celebrity's heads on their bodies it, by definition, equals comedy.

IT'S HEAD SWAP!

[Removed Broken Video Link]

Ringo v. Questlove

For those of you who didn't watch Ringo Starr on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, it was pretty entertaining but nothing particularly historic. That is, except for one clip that didn't air because it took place after the end credits rolled and The Roots were preforming the Late Night theme ("Here I Come").

[Removed Broken Video Link]

Questlove later described it as "historic".

Conan Releases A Statement

Earlier, Conan O'Brien released a statement stating that he refuses to move to 12:05 as had been proposed earlier.

He says (in part), "I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn't the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy."

Read the full text here.

Programming Note: Tonight's guest on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon tonight is Ringo Starr. He'll be playing 3 songs and, I believe, will be the only guest for the entire show.

Dave Explains Things #1

In this Episode: Dave explains the modern history of NBC's late night schedule up to the present day and proposes his own homespun solution to the current problem. Still no idea what to do about Carson Daly.

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"Whip It" : Good.... "Whip It" : Real Good

"Whip It" as a box office draw was probably doomed from the start. You tell someone there's a new movie about women's roller derby and their eyes will probably glaze over and they'll probably change the subject immediately. The idea of roller derbies in cinema is either too kitsch or assumed to be exploitative or was simply ruined by peoples' experience with the terrible, terrible "Rollerball". But such pre-conceived notions are well-worth ignoring here or you risk missing out on a very good movie.

Ellen Page stars as Bliss Cavendar, a young girl struggling to meet her mother's expectations. For most of her life she's been pressured to compete in ridiculous beauty pageants (see "Little Miss Sunshine") but is starting to grow tired of them and her parent's rules. One day she sees a flier for a local Roller Derby league at an abandoned warehouse and decides to lie to her parents and check it out. Soon she's trying out and the next thing she knows she's on a team. Not long after that, she's met a boy. But how long can keep up the lie and avoid confronting her parents with her true wishes? Oh, and also a bunch of women punch and tackle each other.

"So, that all sounds pretty formulaic, what's the big idea, see?!", you might say at this point turning into a gangster from the 40's. The point is that none of that matters. It surely is formulaic, it's the same formula as "Rocky", as "Major League" and as "The Mighty Ducks". It's a formula that works and this movie (like the others) is smart, fun, funny, sincere, exciting and has a lot of heart. In fact, I can summarize best what this movie is in one sentence: this movie is John Hughes meets "Slapshot".

As far as formulaic goes it doesn't get much better than that. And that's exactly why it's worth seeing. It deals joyfully with a bunch of misfit goons who beat each other up for fun and, at the same time, it's a coming-of-age story that deals authentically with teenage friendships, parental pressure, the struggle for acceptance, and romance.

Drew Barrymore, in her directorial debut hits the ball out of the park as far as delivering a funny, touching teen movie straight out of the 80's. Jimmy Fallon is fair as the greasy play-by-play man 'Hot Tub' Johnny Rocket. It's great to see Daniel Stern again, he plays a great Dad character. There are also very funny performances by Kristen Wiig, Eve, Juliette Lewis and Andrew Wilson (who knew there was yet another funny Wilson brother?) as the coach.

Comedy, sports, drama this movie does all very well. Particularly, it is highly recommended as a fun date movie.

Rating : 7/10 (Quite Good).

Teen Angst Rating : 6 Å (Teen Angst is measured in Angstroms).

It's The ?uestions, It's The ?uestions Y'all.

In this segment, Roots drummer ?uestlove "goes deeper" as is his custom.

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They've done this segment three or four times in the past and it hasn't been great but this one, I thought, was quite good. Don't mess with Texas.

The inspiration for this post's title:

Why do I need I.D. to get I.D.? If I had I.D., I wouldn't need I.D.

Tonight Show Moves To Tomorrow

Following the woeful performance of the new "Jay Leno Show" and decreased ratings of "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien", NBC has decided to move Jay Leno back to his 11:35 slot though with a shortened duration.

This means that "The ---- Show" (it's my blog, I don't feel like typing it) will air from 11:35 - 12:05 and "The Tonight Show" moves to 12:05 - 1:05. Yes, that's right, the brainiacs at NBC have decided that "The Tonight Show", as it is called, will not actually air "Tonight". "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" will move to 1:05 AM - 2:05 AM. Eeeeeee. Presumably "Last Call with Carson Daly" will air at a new time specifically invented for NBC called "fliggen o'clock" and "Poker After Dark" will air when it's light out.

Isn't it amazing that NBC used to rule the TV ratings with a golden fist? From "Seinfeld" to "Friends" to "E. R." to late night TV they had it all. Not that they were actually that great ("Frasier", "E.R.", "Will and Grace", Jay Leno all suck and I have never understood why ANYONE watches/watched them) but they did, somehow, completely dominate the ratings. And nowadays, they're the television version of "Kruger". "'The Jay Leno Show' is a horrendous failure", one suit behind a desk with pseudo-intellectual glasses begins, "instead of cancelling the crap, let's keep it around in a way that punishes everyone who's actually good." "Sounds good to me, I'm late for pilates", replies the female suit behind a desk with pseudo-intellectual glasses.

Interestingly, the scenario outlined above is the currently proposed scenario but it is only one of three possibilities. The change in time slot technically constitutes a breach of contract by NBC and Conan can now do one of three things:

1. He can quit and go on vacation for the next four years while collecting as much as $80 million for doing nothing.
2. He can move his show to a competitor (Fox/ABC), compete directly with Leno/Letterman and still get payed by NBC. (The money that NBC owes him is offset by the money he makes there. So for instance, if he's making $10 million per year now, and ABC payed him $7 million per year, NBC would owe him only $3 million per year.)
3. Go with the flow, take the new time slot and ride it out.

If I know Conan as well as I think I do, he'll go with option #3. But, for some reason, part of me is hoping for #2.

TBL : PoC - NO..... WTF?!

The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans (2009)

Sometimes you're in the mood to watch a movie that makes you laugh. Sometimes you're in the mood to watch a movie that makes you cry. Sometimes you're in the mood to watch a movie that makes you think. Are you ever in the mood to watch a movie that makes you say, "WTF?!"

No? Me neither.

But, for the purposes of this review let's pretend that you are. Well then, I highly reccomend "The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans". Directed by Werner Herzog and starring Nicholas Cage, "TBL : POC - NO" is about a corrupt cop working in New Orleans in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Lieutenant McDonagh (Cage) fights to rid the world of drug dealers, prostitutes and gangsters when he isn't doing drugs, visiting prostitutes and making deals with his bookie. Actually, that's not true, he can multitask. Going to question a witness? Close the door and smoke some dope. Caught a couple doing drugs? Let them off with a warning and take their stash.

Cage is attempting to solve a quintuple homicide case, keep his prostitute girlfriend safe and pay his bookie (and the mob) before something unfortunate happens to him. All the while, he's deteriorates in front of us, devolving into the Edgar the "sugar water" alien from "Men in Black". Sometimes he sees imaginary iguanas and can't stop staring. Are they imaginary? The Val Kilmer character said it wasn't real, but was that a joke? I know the dead alligator was real but what's the long out of focus shot of the living alligator all about? I'm pretty sure the snake was really there.

Is this a taught crime drama? Is it humanist tragedy of contradiction? Is it a clever satire of society's corruption? Maybe it's a parody of corrupt cop movies. Maybe it's farce. It's probably a farce. Watching the movie, one doesn't know what to think. Having watched the movie, I guess it's safe to apply the catchall term "dark comedy".

This is the kind of movie that people who are more intellectual than I will hale as brilliant cinema. Probably everything is symbolic, everything weird is to provoke a reaction and everything that seems stupid was done on purpose to be stupid. This is also the kind of movie that morons berate because it doesn't make sense as a straight-ahead, formulaic thriller. While I think the former are more right than the latter, this movie isn't my type of entertainment. And it's a "must see" if you want to see something confounding and ambiguous with shades of silliness mixed in. Or is it?

Rating 5/10 - Ambivalent.

WORD(s of wisdom)

If you're like me, when you hear that there's a movie in existence based on the life and teachings of Vanilla Ice, you prepare yourself to receive Knowledge. You know that such a movie is bound to contain the kind of profound and life-changing wisdom and life lessons that will take you where you want to be. Here are just a few of the things I learned after just one viewing of "Cool as Ice".

• If you like a girl and you want her to like you, break into her house, slip into her bed while she's still asleep and stick your fingers in her mouth. She'll love you. Women think that's both cool and sexy. (I can't believe I never thought of this!)

• If the mob threatens your life and the lives of your family members, do nothing. Just see if it all blows over.

• Women love it when you needlessly endanger their lives.

• If you care about someone, take them to a construction site.

• If you're so bad at Super Mario Bros. 3 that you die 3 seconds into the first level, attempt the dungeon level.

• Call it "making sex".

• You will never be as happy as you are when you're running around a half-built house frame.

• When a movie has reached its emotional low, the best thing to do is play loud, danceable hip hop on the soundtrack to really underscore the desperation.

• Sometimes you have to tear something apart in order to put it together. (Note: This may only apply to drunken, senile senior citizens with severe mental retardation and a glue addiction who were born six months premature to mothers who chugged lead-tainted whiskey from an asbestos glass whilst pregnant.)

• If your life is so endangered that you enter the witness protection program, DON'T SCHEDULE A TV APPEARANCE.

• "It ain't where you're from, it's where you're at."

• A really nice neon-colored clown suit never goes out of style.

• If you're choreographing a dance scene, why not add a whole "homoerotic" segment? Go on. Nobody's going to ask questions.

• If you're in love but presented with tenuous, unproven information that shows the person in a bad light, don't confront them directly - that will only give them a chance to present their side. Instead, be cryptic about it... beat around the bush whilst still being angry. That way everyone can be angry... equally.

• No amount of mousse will ever be enough. But the important thing is the attempt.

• Hey Kids, why not ask a stranger to take you for a ride in their vehicle?

• Couples in love gain the power of quantum superposition.

• When you get to the point as an artist where "thank you (falettinme be mice elf agin)" is a valid song title, it really is time to pack it in.

• Hang a towel from your pants. You'll always be ready for flag football!

• "If you ain't true to yaself, then you ain't true to nobody. Live yourself for someone else and you ain't livin'. Straight up fact."