I first saw "So I Married an Axe Murderer" probably in 1997 and have been thinking about it ever since. But there's a joke in there that I didn't understand until this very day.
In the famous "Wo-man, whoah man" beat poem, Myers jokes that he's so unlucky with women that he's become obsessed with cartoon women. He references a series of cartoons and then ends with "Hey Jane, get me off this crazy thing... called love."
Who's Jane? I seriously didn't know and kind of assumed it was someone in the coffee house, perhaps the manager. How embarrassing.
It was today that I realized he's referring Jane Jetson which I should have known because I used to watch "The Jetsons" regularly.
To be fair, he got the quote wrong, it's actually, "Jane, stop this crazy thing!" but that's no excuse for me. Shame. Shame.
Struck by nostalgia, I decided to watch the episode(s) of "Scooby-Doo" which feature the Three Stooges. These are rip-offs, by the way, the "Three Stooges" are voiced by voice actors and don't particularly act very Stoogey. What's the point of "meeting" the Three Stooges if you're not going to meet the Three Stooges? Sad. Anyway, the Scooby-Doo wiki had the following tantalizing tidbit:
“The Three Stooges starred in their own non-canon series called The Robonic Stooges, where they are cyborg superheroes.”
Say what?
Yes, it's real. If you've followed the blog for any length of time you'll notice that one of the themes is to find the oddities of pop-culture, watch them and explore them in lengthy reviews. However, "The Robonic Stooges" has not been released on DVD, and few episodes exist on the internet. Furthermore, this is a show from the 70s about robotic Stooges sent on "Charlie's Angels" type missions to capture criminals, who has the energy to even approach this? I don't. Where would I begin? I can't. And what's the deal with the 70s? Was everyone on drugs all of the time?
If you want to make small talk at a party, just mention that this show exists. That's enough. If you want to watch a "full" episode (5 minutes long) here is one of the only ones I've found.
Not a standalone movie, but rather the Christmas episode of the Saturday Morning Cartoon "Pac-Man," within the first 5 minutes of "Christmas comes to Pac-Land", the four ghosts are chasing Pac-Man, then he's cornered, then he eats power pellets and then the tables are completely turned and he chases down the ghosts to eat them. This may be the most faithful video game adaptation of all-time. It doesn't matter that it makes no sense, that's the way the game is so we're just literally going to play out the things that happen in the game!
Pac-Man has a wife, Mrs. Pepper Pac-Man who is Ms. Pac-Man but they don't call her that. Together they have Pac-Baby and a dog and cat. The Pac-World version of a dog seems to have been created in a lab by scientists tasked with achieving maximum cuteness. The dog is my favorite character:
The Pac-Family lives in a world with no Christmas, so the title checks out, and this episode sees Santa coming to this other planet/land to introduce the Holiday. My only question is why. If they don't celebrate Christmas, why go to the bother of delivering presents to every house? And where was this idea last year? This special is in direct conflict with the many Christmas specials that make it absolutely clear that YOU MUST BELIEVE IN SANTA or he won't come.
But anyways, Santa is there for some reason and crashes his sleigh, so it's up to Pac-Man to repair his sleigh and re-acquire the presents lost in the crash. Unfortunately, the ghosts are working to stop him from accomplishing his mission. But the meaning behind the Pac-Man vs. Ghosts eternal struggle is another question mark. When Pac-Man eats the ghosts, they become sets of eyes and go somewhere else to regroup. When the ghosts eat Pac-Man he just becomes really tired. So what's the point of any of it? What are the stakes, why do anything at all? Somehow the absolute worst fate that can befall Pac-Man is that he becomes like me? Ouch.
So, yeah, it's clear that Pac-Man needs to save Christmas and he is opposed by the ghosts trying to stop him. Except in the climax of the film, he explains the concept of Christmas to them and why it's important that they not oppose him in this and so they agree to call a truce and go peacefully on their separate ways. It is quite a subversion of cartoon expectations, I don't remember any other cartoon conflict that was resolved by just calmly explaining things to the villains.
But even without ghostly opposition, Santa is still in trouble because he's run out of time somehow. He can go to billions of houses in one night but he can still run short on time. But fortunately, Pac-Man takes him to the Power Pellet Forest and gives power pellets to Santa and the reindeer and that's the answer. There's that old standup bit about how Pac-Man caused an entire generation to do drugs and here we have the moral of the Christmas special: if you need increased performance, just take some pills.
This is a strange concept for a Christmas special (obviously) but in execution it's just you're average Saturday Morning Cartoon episode. Nothing great, nothing terrible. Except there is a part where Pac-Man gives a surprise gift to all of his ghost enemies and I kind of choked up a little. It's very touching.
The tradition of boycotting the Super Bowl and instead participating in activities which are as far from it as possible continues. (Pre-2011, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2020, 2021). Last year I said this segment had jumped the shark. That must mean that post-shark we are venturing into uncharted waters.
For Year of Our Lord 2022, I settled on re-visiting the 1980's cartoon meant for little girls, "Jem." It seemed like a good choice given that it's 80's and nostalgia and about the farthest thing from the Super Bowl there is.
This is a series that I remember watching and really enjoying, even though I was a boy, even then. It should be noted that I had an older sister who was into it and I was probably tagging along. I tended to like the things she liked - I played with Barbies, etc. But, as much as I remember the nostalgic feeling of enjoying it as a child, I don't really remember very much about it. I vaguely remember a few details but absolutely no specific episodes or plot points. In fact, the most memorable thing about the series for me was....
The Theme Song
Starting the first episode, I was startled to not recognize the theme song even though I distinctly DO remember the theme song. No problem, Wikipedia explains that the theme song was changed midway through the series. So I remember a later theme song, not the original one. But the problem is, according to wikipedia, the theme I remember WAS first yet I never found any episode which contained it. When the theme was changed, did someone go back and change all the previous episodes to have the same theme? There's no telling how far this dastardly conspiracy goes.
Long story short. This sucks:
And this... this is rad:
Episode 1
I am overwhelmed and in over my head. Entire libraries could be written on the events and interpretations on just the first episode of "Jem." It could be a Doctoral Thesis on the perceived psychology of adolescent girls and I'm not joking. I think this post may go too long; I will try to be as brief as possible.
As the first episode begins, we meet a teenage girl, Jerrica Benton whose father has died. Starting off on a high note and very Freudian, I suspect. The girl's fantasy begins with father death. We could camp here for a while but we must press on.
Yes, her father has died and he has left her an inheritance of two items: 50% of the ownership of his record company and a home for foster girls. The foster home is short on cash so Jerrica turns to the record company only to find Eric Raymond, owner of the other 50% and acting executive, is rigging a Battle of the Bands to ensure a win for his/their label's band, The Misfits. It's at this point that they give The Misfits the most bad ass introduction possible: they charge into the office riding motorcycles styled as electric guitars:
Surrounding Jerrica with their indoor "hogs," The Misfits perform a song and we get the first music video of the series. More on that later if there's time.
After this Jerrica goes home to find she's been sent earrings in the mail from an unknown sender. Opening the box a magical spirit is released (no time to explain) and tells her to go to the drive-in movie theater that Jerrica's dad also left her (no time to explain). She goes there. She finds the "spirit" was really a computer:
It's Synergy a "holographic computer designed to be the ultimate audio visual entertainment synthesizer" and, on a personal note, I recognized this. I am nerd enough that I remember being a kid and liking the computer. But no time to talk about that.
Synergy can make realistic holograms appear anywhere, complete with sound and, through the use of "remote micro-projectors" can make these holograms appear anywhere in the world. Through the use of holographic technology, Synergy transforms Jerrica into Jem and transforms her friends into "the Holograms." Jerrica can communicate to Synergy through her earrings and then transform from Jerrica to Jem and then back again. Then Synergy reveals some other things Jerrica's dad left her: a giant closet full of all the most stylish clothes, a giant closet of musical instruments and equipment and a totally bodacious car. How long in advance did her dad know he was going to die? Was he constantly having to update the wardrobe? No time to think about it.
So you can see we're only at the premise of the show and yet there is so much going on here. We start with a dead dad, the show has not even bothered mentioning what happened to the mom (who cares, is it relevant? I think she must be dead too) and are given a heroine who is beautiful and a corporate executive (she's rich!) and taking care of a broke foster home (she's poor!) and she's a superhero with superpowers and a "regular girl" secrete identity, but she's also a star and the lead singer in a band, with an unlimited supply of clothes and has cutting edge rock instruments and drives a killer car. This is just everything - this is Everything: The Show. Plus her parents are out of the picture. Not to mention we have a protagonist that, for whatever reason, has earned nothing yet has been given everything. There is so much to digest here! But there's no time to get into any of this!
So Jerrica (acting as manager for Jem and the Holograms) challenges Raymond's Misfits for a Battle of the Bands - the winner get's 100% control of the Record Label. Then a movie producer comes out of nowhere and says that, not only that, but whoever wins gets a film contract and a giant mansion. Why? How? WHERE DID HE COME FROM?! Who is this guy? There's no time! People come forward to give Jem free stuff and that's all I can say about it given the time allotted!
The competition is set to take place in 6 months, so I'm guessing it will go like this: there will be many episodes of them competing and progressing as musicians and it will all culminate in a Season Finale showdown for all the marbles.
True to my prediction, the next thing that happens is: Raymond hires a thug to break into the foster house to steal Jem's equipment. There's also a sub-plot where the foster home is saving up money to buy a new refrigerator but one of the foster girls is tempted to steal from their refrigerator fund. We don't have time to cover any of that! There are many sub-plots about the foster kids. There is no time to address them! When the thug breaks into the house, he also sets it on fire and the episode ends!
Sorry, girls, no time to get into this right now.
You see, every episode (it seems) ends with a cliffhanger which is more common now in the days of netflix and binge-watching. But this is way before binge-watching; they're doing it back when kids had to wait a full week to find out what happened next! This is arguably very cool and ahead of its time but there's no time to talk about it! Every episode also has 3 original, recorded songs, complete with music videos and the little text in the corner that tells you the title of the song and the artist... 3 original songs for every episode is an insane amount of production value and it would be nice to get into the details but there's soo much to talk about, we don't have time for it!
Episode 2
So just as Episode 1 starts with the dad dying, Episode 2 starts with the foster home burning down. You might have thought that we'd come back from the cliffhanger to find the firemen put out the fire, but no, the foster kids (and Jem) are just homeless now.
Jerrica/Jem gets the idea to ask the movie guy, who came out of nowhere and I don't think even has a name, the guy who offered the mansion as a prize - she asks him if the kids could stay in the mansion temporarily until they find another home. And this moment provides some insight into the mentality of the heretofore unexamined Misfits (I'd like to talk about them but there's just no time!):
Jem: These kids are all foster children. They used to live in my house but it burned down last night.
Misfit #1: Aww, poor wittle baby!
Misfit #2: Bo-ring!
Nice.
The movie guy without a name says it's ok (more giving Jem free stuff) and one of the Misfits has a psychic break and does the logical thing: she hijacks a nearby bulldozer and goes on a rampage, attempting to bury Jem alive. That's real, that's an accurate description of what happens in the episode. Then Raymond hires a thug (the same thug as before) to plant a time bomb in the mansion. The episode ends with a yacht that's about to crash into a tanker. That's what happens in the episode, I'm sorry, there's just not enough time to go deeper on any of this.
Episode 3
In Episode 3, Jem is given the chance to shoot a music video in Paris. Who's funding this trip/music video? It's a random rich woman and it's another thing given to Jem for free. I don't understand what motivates the pattern but this is the pattern. Speaking of the pattern, in each of the first 2 episodes, Raymond hired a thug to do thuggery. In this episode he hires the same thug to ruin the music video. And although the instructions are pretty explicit that his task is just to ruin the music video, what he actually does is try to drop a gargoyle from a tall building onto the entire band to murder them all.
This show is only half an hour long but there are so many things going on... Oh yeah, there's also an ongoing plotline where Rio, Jerrica's boyfriend (I haven't mentioned Rio yet! There hasn't been time!) is in a love triangle with Jerrica and Jerrica as Jem. Jem is constantly wanting to reveal her identity to him but can't for some reason. It makes no sense - is it fulfilling a feminine fantasy to be at once secure in a relationship while at the same time being an object of seduction for a new lover? I just don't have time to talk about ANY of this. We have to move on, we have to...
Episode 4
In Episode 4, a rich Texas oil man comes along to give Jem more free stuff but at least this one is interesting.
He books Jem and the Holograms as headliners in a big Las Vegas concert. But it turns out that he's also booked The Misfits as the opener. But these two bands hate each other, why would he book two rival bands to play the same show? Well, he's a rich troll and it amuses him. This is canon, this is the explanation the show gives us. I would love to get into who this guy is and what he's doing in this episode but there just... isn't... time.
Remember the thing about Raymond hiring a thug? Well in this episode Raymond hires a thug. The thug robs the Las Vegas safe and plants the money in Jem's dressing room for the police to find. Everything turns out fine, no time to explain!
The Battle Episode
Alright, so far, in theory, this is the most interesting show ever devised, and yet each episode is following a similar formula. As I figured, we're just going to compete with each other back and forth for the first season until the big Battle of the Bands season finale climax. So let's just skip ahead to that and even though I'm not covering the entire series we can have a suitable conclusion. So for the Battle Episode, we need to skip all the way to.... Episode.... 5.
Oh. That's weird.
I'll be honest, by this time my brain was full, I was mentally exhausted and was finding it difficult to assimilate any new information. I'll be as succinct as possible given the abundance of the show.
The Battle of the Bands is taking place in a giant stadium. The entire series thus far has shown that the two bands performing don't really have much success or much following but now that they're battling the show needs them to be arena-fillers. Ok. And the contest will be decided by audience applause.
Can you guess what Raymond does in this episode? Does he pay off the crowd, does he rig the applause-o-meter? No. He hires a thug to kidnap one of the foster children. Why does he do that? So that he can demand as ransom for her return that Jem and band show up to a location of his choosing. Why? So that when they're there he can hire a thug to kidnap them and hold them. Why? So that they can't show up to the show on time and therefore will forfeit the competition. None of this makes any sense I wish I could try to make sense of it but we've got to keep going...
Jem and the band escape through the use of holograms or then actually that doesn't work so then by Rio saving them. They play the show, the crowd goes wild, they beat The Misfits and win 100% of the record label AND a film contract where they will star in films AND a giant mansion where they can live with the foster kids. They've won ALL of the THINGS and it's such a happy ending and the show is done, except this is the 5th episode and it lasted for 3 seasons. But I have no will to explore that.
And we're not done yet. The show ends with Jem/Jerrica going to her new office but finding Eric Raymond there. How is he not in jail for the many, many felonies he's committed (but in this episode, kidnapping)? Because lawyers. Then he, Raymond, hits Jem. The man hits the woman - I think it's a slap - in the show meant for children. And so then Rio punches Raymond. This is a shocking climax, every bit as worthy of analysis as The Red Wedding and it happened on a Saturday Morning Cartoon in the 80s and this topic would be worth thoroughly exploring and analyzing if I just.... had ... more ... time.
The Movie
In 2015 they made a movie adaptation of Jem and I watched it and I'm out of time and can't give a review. And that's the Super Bowl. Sorry this was so long.
Animaniacs is being re-booted by Hulu. I was such a huge Animaniacs fan back in the day, not sure I really care much about a comeback. I also don't have Hulu, so there's that. I wish them well though and if it's really good, I'll check it out.
