Late Night - Dave Goes to Dunkin' Donuts

 

I love the utter derision in "Uh, not really a donut, is it, sir?"

Mr. T on Malcolm and Eddie (1999)

 

I'm watching all these old sitcoms and having a bit of an existential crisis. I go in thinking, "This is going to be mediocre" and am constantly (pleasantly) surprised. Case in point: "Malcolm & Eddie" - this is considered to be scraping the bottom of the barrel of television entertainment, and yet I basically enjoyed it. I'm trying to explain why this is the case. Perhaps it's just nostalgia, maybe it's just going in with such low expectations, perhaps TV has degraded so much over the years that "bad" sitcoms then would be "good" today. It may be that the saving grace is that I'm only watching one episode and can't get too sick of it in that time.

Whatever the case, "Malcolm & Eddie" starred Eddie Griffin and Malcolm Jamal-Warner as two average guys who own a restaurant in Kansas City while also sharing an apartment.

In this episode, a star for the Kansas City Chiefs visits the bar and when Eddie accidentally injures him, Malcolm and Eddie become the #1 enemy of the entire city's fanbase. It's not a bad storyline. And, bonus: the football star is played by Reginald Ballard who you might remember as Brother Man.

In the episode, Mr. T plays a Chiefs superfan:

His Chiefs face-paint faintly recalls his world-famous role in "Goldy 3." 

Mr. T's character is just the standard Mr. T persona done for comedy. You probably know how it goes... For instance he wants the fans to cheer on the team but the fans aren't into it, Mr. T adopts a threatening tone and the entire section immediately stands to their feet, cheering with great enthusiasm. That kind of stuff.

Later, Mr. T unluckily shows up at the same restaurant as Malcolm and Eddie with his girlfriend/wife:

Ouch. That's hot.

RLM - The Jay vs. Mike Trivia Rematch

 

Not a single question about "The Straight Story"...

Mr. T on Suddenly Susan (1996)

 

If you look up "average sitcom" in the dictionary, it's just a picture of "Suddenly Susan". No one remembers it, no one cares about it, but at the time, it was mildly successful. What I recall of it is that it has a conflict, the conflict is resolved and there are jokes.

Mr. T appears in two episodes, both in the first season - and plays two different characters. No one cares about any of this, so let's get to it...

In the first episode ("Hoop Dreams"), Susan joins a basketball team and is so successful that she forgets her friends and has to learn the value of teamwork or how not to be an awful person or something like that. What does this have to do with Mr. T? Nothing. Mr. T has nothing to do with the plot.

In a cutaway scene, Jack Richmond (Judd Nelson) - who is feuding with his mother in law - goes to get a massage. Instead of the normal masseuse, in walks Mr. T (courtesy of said mother in law) and we can tell by his demeanor that it will not be a soothing session.

It's a funny gag but that's all it is - it has nothing to do with the story and it's a scene that lasts a few seconds. And despite the mohawk and gold jewelry, Mr. T is not playing himself, he's playing the character of "Arnie".

In the second episode, Jack attends a high-stakes poker game with some high rollers. The other people at the game include Willie Brown (then Mayor of San Francisco), John McEnroe, President Donald Trump and Mr. T. These are all the real celebrities playing themselves.

Mr. T wearing a giant plate is unsettling. As far as I can tell, it's invented by the writers in order to set up a joke about looking at Mr. T's cards by reflection. It makes no sense and I can't figure it out. But more than that, he's barely recognizable with no hair or beard. This would be a complaint except we can deduce he probably lost all his hair in chemo treatments at this point. So, fair enough.

The star-studded table makes for some good gags. At one point someone makes a "I pity the fool!" joke and Mr. T barks, "That's not funny, that's old and hackneyed!"

The main oddity that gets me is that Mr. T has two appearances on "Suddenly Susan" and the one where he looks exactly Mr. T, he's Arnie and the one where he looks nothing like Mr. T, he's playing Mr. T.

But there is an even greater oddity in this second episode.

In the show, Jack loses his magazine in the poker game and the workers at the magazine don't like the new owner. So a contingent, led by Kathy Griffin, propose to create their own magazine. So they go to Donald Trump to raise funds (?) and try to woo him with this magazine cover:

 The caption reads "Our Next President?"

Mr. T on Martin (1996)

 

It's Halloween and Martin comes home excited that he's found a house to buy. Gina is cautious but Martin is sure she'll love it because it's a giant mansion that's selling for only $50,000. There's no time to waste so the two, and all their friends, dressed in their Halloween costumes, ditch the Halloween party they were going to go to and check out the house instead.

The seller of the house is Mr. Jenkins.

And holy crap, it's Mr. T with a normal haircut and a long beard! It took 16 years but we've finally reached his first role playing an average person with a normal haircut! "Normal" - but not for long.

So, they give Mr. Jenkins the down payment and he gives them the keys. It's an interesting transaction - what about the inspection, what about the realtors, what about signing legal documents for 8 hours straight? No? Just cash for a key, huh? What about all the furniture, paintings and decorations in the house? I guess they come with it? Okay, well that's convenient because they can hang out in the mansion for Halloween night. And wouldn't you know it, haunted happenings are afoot and Martin's friends start disappearing one-by-one.... by a mummy!

Eventually the haunted mummy comes after Martin but Martin defeats him and is able to free his friends. When they unmask the mummy, it turns out to be Mr. Jenkins who has been selling this house "for over a year. He takes people's down payments and then scares them off." Except what about the part where he scares people by kidnapping them and locking them in a secret passage? The police knew about that but let it continue? Are the victims dead? The police just let them die?

I still like "Martin." It is mostly a basic run-of-the-mill sitcom but Martin Lawrence's physical comedy and wacky other characters do elevate the material, raising it above the vast wasteland of average sitcoms.

Mr. T in Spy Hard (1996)

 

Well here's a new one...

I watched "Spy Hard" because Mr. T is in it. That's obviously my purpose. And Mr. T literally dies within the first minute of the movie. He doesn't even make it to the opening credits.

Mr. T plays a helicopter pilot and that's somewhat ironic given that T is known for playing characters who are afraid to fly. His phobia may be well founded because the helicopter blows up with him inside.

So it's an 81 minute movie and T is gone and there are still 80 minutes left to go. "Spy Hard" is a Leslie Nielson spoof movie that sends up James Bond-type spy "thrillers." But then it also goes to weird extremes to also spoof movies like "Home Alone", "Jurassic Park" and "Sister Act." I mean "Sister Act?!"

I really have a soft spot for these cheap spoofs but this one is not quite up to par. Especially since the spy genre was so well covered "Get Smart" and later by "Austin Powers." There will be another spoof movie that WILL be up to par, and in fact be exceedingly good, but that's for another time...