Mr. T on Battlecade: Extreme Fighting #1 (1995)

 "Battlecade Extreme Fighting" is an early "Extreme Fighting", MMA event that struggled to make money and went out of business. It is responsible for coining the term "mixed martial arts".

I personally could not be less interested in Mixed Martial Arts but this has T in it so I've watched it.

Mr. T acts as the sideline reporter - each time a match is won, he interviews the winner in the locker room. In the first interview he asks, "What kind of maneuver did you use?" and then "How long have you been fighting?" and then that's it. In the second interview he asks, "What kind of maneuver did you use?" and then "How long have you been fighting?" and then that's it.

T is clearly not a great interviewer at first - not only is he dealing with live television and trying to think on his feet, this is his first time doing it. He does improve and gets more comfortable as the event goes along, in fact in some of the later interviews, there is a genuinely interesting exchange. It's an impressive improvement over a short period of time. It should be noted also that the position of the sideline reporter is one of the most useless jobs in the world. Athletes who have just come out from the field or floor can't speak and have nothing to say, usually. But Mr. T can be my sideline reporter any time.

The most important, most interesting fight will not be shown or even alluded to in the broadcast. Two months before this appearance, Mr. T was diagnosed with cancer. 

Diagnosed in September 1995 of T-Cell Lymphoma ("Can you imagine that?! Cancer with my name on it -- personalized cancer.") in his ear, he would undergo a month of successful treatment. 11 months later, the cancer would return, popping up "like popcorn" all over his body. The fight would go on for several years. 

"I pity the fool who just gives up. We all gonna die eventually from something or other, but don't be a wimp. Put up a good fight. Don't sit around waiting on death. We can be tough. We can be determined. Go out and have some fun and make death find you! We can be living with cancer, not dying from it. We can be cancer survivors."

"One more thing," adds Mr. T. "If you don't remind me that I have cancer then I won't remember either, because I am too busy living. If you see me, please come by and shake my hand; give me a hug, a thumbs-up or a high five; take a photo with me, or let's do lunch, because cancer ain't contagious. That would really make my day."

LGIO - Parkasaurus

 Should be called Parkasaurus Rex.

Mr. T on Blossom (1994)

 

Quick, name all the people who have both wrestled in Wrestlemania AND appeared on an episode of "Blossom."

Mr. T has certainly had an eclectic career. Not eclectic in the roles he's played, certainly, but in the variety of projects.

My highest hope, my most fervent wish of Mr. T's one episode of "Blossom" is that it would also happen to be a "very special" episode. There's no way to know, unfortunately. In the episode Joey learns that his friend is doing steroids so it's not outside the realm of possibility, but I think this is the norm for the show.

I've already prematurely named Mr. T's weirdest role of all-time but this one is at least a contender for second place. In the episode Mr. T plays Joey Lawrence's imaginary friend (back again from childhood). When Joey is faced with a tough decision we will hear a magic "zing" and Mr. T will appear to impart wisdom.

In the end, Joey convinces his friend to stop doing steroids. There's also a cute credit sequence where Joey tries to teach T to say his trademark "Whoah!" and then T teaches him to say "I pity the foo!"

Drunk Irish Riddles

 

Mr. T in Freaked (1993)

 

If you haven't seen "Freaked," I doubt I can adequatly describe it to you. It's a bizarre, surrealist, wacky comedy from the early 90s. It stars, and was made by, Bill S. Preston, Esquire and features cameos by "Ted" Theodore Logan AND the Grim Reaper. For a better understanding of the film, see the Freaked re:View.

The thing to note, for the purposes of this post, is that "Freaked" features Mr. T and, though I haven't seen them all yet (so I can't be sure), it's probably the weirdest Mr. T role ever.

In the movie, a man has created a collection of freaks - his own Freak Show - and is holding them all captive. Mr. T plays the Bearded Lady.

He wears dresses, he wears jewelry (I guess that's technically normal for him), he wears makeup. According to Alex Winters, Mr. T got fed up with cross-dressing and left the set three days before filming was complete.

And that's about it. So that's Mr. T in "Freaked."

Mr. T in Goldy 3: The Search for the Golden Bear (1988)

When was the last time you put a VHS tape into the VCR and watched a movie? At some point in your past, you watched a VHS movie for the last time and nobody knew it. 

In 1988, Mr. T appeared in the movie "Goldy 3: The Search for the Golden Bear" and it's perhaps so bad that it's not available to watch anywhere - even bootlegged. So I spent actual money to buy an actual VHS copy on actual eBay... actually paid to have it sent through the physical mail for days and actually sat down and watched it.

It should be noted that Mr. T's imdb filmography lists "Goldy 3: The Search for the Golden Bear" as coming out in 1988 and "The Magic of the Golden Bear: Goldy III" as coming out in 1994. You'd assume they were the same movie - the information is 90% the same - but they each list different leads. I have to assume they're the same and imdb is just inaccurate.

So this is a "frontier times" kids' movie where a female Tom Sawyer-type (Jessie) has a bear for a pet. Full disclosure: I did not watch "Goldy 1" and "Goldy 2" in preparation for this "review."

Mr. T plays a Native American who lives in the wilderness, communes with nature and specifically talks to the animals. Periodically the animals visit him and give him updates on what's happening to Jessie. Watching Mr. T talk to animals in Native American garb is a trip. Though... Here's one for the record books... This may be the only role Mr. T has ever played (other than himself) where his mohawk is completely appropriate for the character.

Cheech Marin is also in this movie and he plays a terrible magician whose show is failing. In desperation, he looks into a crystal ball, sees the town where Goldy lives, sees Goldy and is shown that Goldy is the key to making a great show. He sets out to obtain her. The main thing I want to point out here is that, in the reality of the movie, Marin is a completely inept magician and also possesses real magical powers.

So Cheech tries to buy the bear from Jessie's family and when they refuse, he uses tricks and magic to try to steal Goldy. The plot gets somewhat convoluted from there... in fact at one point I realized I had spaced out partway through and didn't know what was happening anymore and had to rewind it and re-watch a sizable chunk of "Goldy 3." That was a hard pill. I sum up: Jessie and Goldy run away into the woods, Goldy appears to be shot, turns out to be ok, they meet Mr. T, Cheech Marin regrets being evil and everything works out. Also in the end, they all agree to hypnotize Goldy to make her go back to living in the wild. So there will definitely be no "Goldy IV." Bear hypnotism!

The movie has a "Fall" look and feel and an "Ashokan Farewell"-esque soundtrack. It's a great world. But that's it for the positives. The plot is boring made-for-kids oatmeal and the acting is amazingly horrendous. There are a few kid-acting moments that are so bad, it occurred to me they would be wonderful memes for the Information Superhighway. After all, this movie doesn't exist on the internet, I could be the first to release them. But I just can't work up the energy to figure out the VHS-to-GIF conversion. Plus, it's Saturday night and I'm watching a children's movie alone - I'm not sure I get to laugh at anyone.