Safe Sunscreen

 Dateline: Baywatch Season 6, Episode 15.

[Stephanie and her boyfriend are enjoying a picnic. The boyfriend's beeper goes off.]

Stephanie: I thought you had the whole day off.

Boyfriend: No, days off for a doctor are a fallacy. As long as there are medical emergencies, there are no days off.

Stephanie: Well I think I'm having a medical emergency right now - it's my heart, it's beating dangerously fast.

[They make out. It's important to note that as they make out, and for the rest of the scene, someone is probably dying.]

[Doctor Boyfriend feels up her leg and notices she has a suspicious mole. He suggests she should get it checked out.]

Stephanie: I use sunscreen, I tan safely.

Boyfriend: There's no such thing as a safe tan, you know.

And that's the key takeaway here. You can practice safe tanning but there's no such thing as safe tan.

The B-Story to Stephanie's cancer scare is Hulk Hogan and "Macho Man" Randy Savage wrestling against Ric Flair and Vader to determine the fate of a beach-side weightlifting center.

Not a joke. Wooooo!

Mr. T in Wrestlemania I

The main event of Wrestlemania I in 1985 was a tag team match: Hulk Hogan and Mr. T vs. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndoff. 

A few highlights:

One of the guest referees was Muhammad Ali of which Gorilla Monsoon remarks, "Muhammed Ali has been assigned as the outside referee which is just as important as the inside and maybe more so!" Nice try, marketing!

But then outside refereeing does come into play about mid-way through the match - if wrestlers leave the ring for a 10 count, they automatically get disqualified. Piper and Orndorff leave the ring for a full minute and eleven seconds and magically it's ignored and the match continues. You had one job to do, Ali!

Then there was one part of the match where Piper and Orndorff are completely waling on Hulk Hogan and taking turns, tagging back and forth so they can optimize their beatdown. Monsoon says, "The continuity being shown by the team of Piper and Orndorff - which really, I can honestly say I haven't seen yet on the part of the champ and Mr. T, maybe it's coming but - that continuity is so important if you want to be successful." I don't know exactly why but that tickled me. When someone is getting curb-stomped and you have to justify your job as commentator, talk about how the difference is "continuity."

Finally, a word about the refereeing. It really seemed to me that the refereeing on this match was terrible. Every time Mr. T tried to bend the rules, the referee was right on it but Piper's team was routinely breaking the rules completely unnoticed. Where is the fairness? It's pathetic. Train your referees better,  WWF!

Mr. T on Saturday Night Live

Mr. T appeared on Saturday Night Live twice. In fact, imdb lists his two different appearances in two different sections of his page. He appeared in one episode in a "Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood" skit as well as "Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix" and then later co-hosted an episode along with Hulk Hogan to promote Wrestlemania I. Imdb lists his first appearance as "actor", they list his hosting of SNL as "self." I suppose that makes sense when you really think about it but it confused the heck out of me.

Mr. T's appearance on SNL is very typical stuff. There are a few things that stood out to me. I should mention that this is the Dick Ebersol era of SNL so it's the Christopher Guest, Billy Crystal, Martin Short, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, etc. cast. So that's the flavor.

First off, Mr. T and Hulk Hogan do the opening "monologue" and it looks like the picture above. Mr. T has made a career out of being a large guy, he's not tall, he's 5'11'' but he's big. It's amazing to me how small he looks next to Hulk Hogan. That guy really is giant.

The monologue is basically a wrestling promo. The only thing that stood out to me is they make a joke about the Richard Belzer incident. Maybe it's just hindsight or the fact that I'm from a weaker, wimpier era, but that seemed to me to be poor taste.

So then it's the skits... Mr. T appears in 3 skits and in all of them he's just playing Mr. T. Seems like this would be a chance for the writers to get creative and have him play against type but then again, it's possible they proposed that and he refused. This is the era of Mr. T being as serious as a heart attack.

Mr. T appears in "Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix" - a fake commercial where Robin Duke (made-up to look like Mr. T) and Mr. T sell bloody mary mix. According to Robin Duke, her repetition of "I pity the fool" in this sketch is what made "I pity the fool" is what really injected it into the mainstream and caused it to become T's official catchphrase. Oh, she did that? Call me skeptical.

The most famous sketch from the episode, and also one of the most famous SNL clips in existence, is "Fernando's Hideaway." In case you don't recall, you've probably seen it in the clip shows. It's the one where Billy Crystal improvs in a Spanish accent and Hulk Hogan and Mr. T struggle to maintain character and not break up. As the most famous Mr. T highlight, it's ironic that all traces of it seem to be erased from the internet. NBC: they do whatever they can to not make money.

So that's about it.

Fun Fact: The funniest Hulk Hogan SNL sketch, in my opinion, is the one that didn't have Hulk Hogan.