Safe Sunscreen

 Dateline: Baywatch Season 6, Episode 15.

[Stephanie and her boyfriend are enjoying a picnic. The boyfriend's beeper goes off.]

Stephanie: I thought you had the whole day off.

Boyfriend: No, days off for a doctor are a fallacy. As long as there are medical emergencies, there are no days off.

Stephanie: Well I think I'm having a medical emergency right now - it's my heart, it's beating dangerously fast.

[They make out. It's important to note that as they make out, and for the rest of the scene, someone is probably dying.]

[Doctor Boyfriend feels up her leg and notices she has a suspicious mole. He suggests she should get it checked out.]

Stephanie: I use sunscreen, I tan safely.

Boyfriend: There's no such thing as a safe tan, you know.

And that's the key takeaway here. You can practice safe tanning but there's no such thing as safe tan.

The B-Story to Stephanie's cancer scare is Hulk Hogan and "Macho Man" Randy Savage wrestling against Ric Flair and Vader to determine the fate of a beach-side weightlifting center.

Not a joke. Wooooo!

The Dumbest Plot in Baywatch Nights

 

I know what you're thinking: "'Baywatch Nights' is a famously bad show and the second season dealt with mummies, time travel, ghosts werewolves.. how do you determine a dumbest plot?" Well, regardless of what anyone may think of Sci-Fi/Horror tropes, they have their own internal logic, what I'm going to talk about now is a Baywatchian plot that defies all logic.

The dumbest "plot," is actually a B-Story and is found in Season 1, Episode 22 "Heat Rays." The first time we see her, Donna Marco (Donna D'Errico) is driving over a bridge at night in her sports car and comes across ruffians, seemingly in distress. Being a Good S'Maritan, she stops to help.

"I need to use your carphone before they go out of style!"

They say a woman's boyfriend has just jumped off the bride and is in the water. They need to use the carphone to call the emergency services. Donna, being a former lifeguard (or becoming a lifeguard in the future, I forget) jumps in the water to help.

Once she's in the water, they inform her that there was no boyfriend and they steal her car. It's a confusing plan, to say the least. They make it clear that they didn't expect her to jump in the water herself and yet that's the only way it works. If the plan was to simply get her out of her car and take the keys, they could have done that moments earlier. Instead there was all this fake tv drama where they were faking a phone call while trying to "show" her where the drowning boyfriend was. And after that, they'd still have to physically overpower her and she could have a gun. If that was the plan, they simply need her out of her car and then the pretense stops. 

On the other hand, if her jumping into the water was the plan (and they seem to make it clear that it was not) then she could have jumped off with her keys on her and they'd come away with nothing.

Donna is left in the water kicking herself for being a good person.

Here's where it gets worse. She says, "Oh that tide is strong!" and we as the viewer can tell that the strong tide is a Hollywood soundstage. Then she adds, "What do they say, go with the flow?" and starts floating with the "flow" of water (pretty still in that Hollywood soundstage). After about two seconds of "floating" (standing in the soundstage tank), a luxury cruise ship is going to hit her(?) and she has to swim out of the way(?!)

Look both ways: those Carnival Cruise Ships jump out of thin air.

She presumably must swim out of the way of the oncoming cruise ship - the visual storytelling is not very good - and the cruise ship is presumably about to crash into the bridge because that's where she was... spatially nothing about this makes sense. Nothing makes sense but it's all, I think, obfuscation for what's about to happen. And this is the worst part. 

Here is Donna the next time we see her:

It's now daytime and she's still swimming in the water/soundstage. Not content to merely be swimming, she's actually in the middle of the ocean and her best bet is to try to flag down a boat.

I don't know if you know much about how bridges work or if you remember that there was a bridge (it feels like an eternity ago) but they generally have a piece of land they connect to on each side. In other words, bridges are usually fairly close to land. I mean, when you think about it, it's fairly rare that a Nation or business tycoon will choose to build a bridge in the middle of an ocean.

Let's recap, because I know this is a lot to take in. Donna jumped off a bridge at night, floated for 2 seconds, swam for two seconds and it's now daytime and she's in the middle of the ocean with little hope of rescue. This is the nail-biting drama we are presented with.

Kudos to her for being able to tread water for 8 hours but does any of that make sense? If you jump off a bridge, you just swim to shore. If you float for a few seconds and then are attacked by a Disney Cruise gone rogue, you still just swim to shore. If we map out the whiteboard of possibilities and decisions, all possibilities point back to one of the two ends of the bridge or maybe the pile (one of the legs). And if she swam to one of the piles, she could rest a bit, maybe take a nap and then swim to land at her leisure.

At this point in the episode even I'm saying "this is insanely stupid" and bear in mind that I'm a person choosing to use my life to watch "Baywatch Nights."

The next time we see Donna, she's still treading water and not struggling at all but she is worried about sharks. I think it's the treading water that's the danger. What's the world's record for treading water? According to Brave Search, the World Record for treading water while balancing a football on their head is 18 minutes and 2 seconds. Have you noticed that search engines are becoming less helpful?

Fortunately a fishing boat spots her and brings her in. Or is it a fishing boat?

"Wow, Donna D'Errico is hot!"

Yes, she's saved but hold on... The more she learns about the guys she's with, the more suspicious their story sounds. It just so happens they're actually drug smugglers on their way to a deal. The deal goes bad and a large black man with sunglasses mows them down with an uzi. Donna dives back into the water - first to dodge the bullets and secondly to rescue the shooting victims. It seems a big ask - to rescue people in the water after treading water for several hours but she does it all easily and then  radios for help.

The next time we see her, she's coming out of a taxi. She's safe and sound. She needs someone to pay the taxi fare because she "lost her wallet." One of the other characters is taken aback but obliges. Making conversation, he asks, "So, how was your day?" She flashes back to the carjacking, the jumping off the bridge, the imaginary sharks, the druglord battles and then replies, "Interesting."

Get it? Because she survived multiple felonies and almost died from not knowing how bridges work! It's the classic action movie one-liner. Oh, we do have fun, don't we?

And that's the dumbest "Baywatch Nights" plot. 

Quick Side Note: I started writing this article in January. How has my year gone? Not at all interesting.

The Mystery of the Most Popular Baywatch Nights Episode

 Almost all the episodes of "Baywatch Nights" are on youtube. Below I've charted each episode's views. 

You can probably see there is a general trend with some general fluctuation. The views for the first episode are high (204K views) - people checking out the show - then a general drift downward as people give up. The views of the first season generally drift around 100K to 200K and in the second season they drop to 50K. The sci-fi season is not as viewed as the beach babe season. You can ignore the 0 at Season 2 Episode 17, that episode simply doesn't exist on youtube. Then there is an uptick as people look to see how it ends (70K) and are presumably disappointed.

So that's the general trend, not too different from other shows, but you've probably noticed, as I have, one giant, obvious spike in the graph and that's the mystery I wanted to explore.

While the general average for an episode is 50K to 100K, Season 1 Episode 16 is sitting at 1.3 MILLION views - more than 3X the episode in second place and more than 13X the average.

So what's special about this episode? Episode 17 is entitled "The Curator" the plot is summed up as follows:

A deranged man, named Garth Youngblood, takes a fancy to Baywatch lifeguard Caroline Holden and makes many advances toward her. When Caroline resists, Garth captures her and locks her in a cage furnished like her apartment, while Mitch teams with fellow Baywatch lifeguards, Newman and Barnett, to help him and Garner look for Caroline.

The reference to Caroline Holden is significant. This is the era where, according to my theory, they were trying to raise the ratings by getting Baywatch crossover - Caroline Holden is Yasmine Bleeth making a guest appearance. It's a bummer of an episode - probably one of my least favorite, as I hate all media that focuses on a crazy guy terrorizing normal people. So, I hate it, so what explain the spike in viewership?

Well, first let's remember that this is Youtube views, not TV ratings, so the #1 thing to go to is the title and thumbnail:

"Kit, get me outta here."

The thumbnail is Hasselhoff on the phone and the title is "Baywatch Nights 1x16 - Curator.avi" That's clearly not viral material. Another option is perhaps there's some other video reviewing/skewering this episode that went viral and got people watching. There is a youtube show/podcast that goes through Baywatch Nights episodes ("Baywatching" - a great title and a great concept) but their related episode is only at 38K views so that's clearly not the catalyst.

Another place to look for clues is imdb trivia. There is always the possibility that the episode has someone famous in the background or a child actor that grew up to be a big star; perhaps there is a clip or moment that became a meme; perhaps this was the one episode written by Vince Gilligan, etc. But imdb reveals nada.

The only thing that I can find that makes this episode special is the one and only guest appearance by Yasmine Bleeth. But does that really explain it? Other episodes of Nights have similar cameos with no spike, even the episode with Carmen Electra raunching it up has no increase. In 2022, are there hordes of people still slavishly hunting down Yasmine Bleeth roles?

I'm very skeptical and still, I can come up with no better explanation to explain the mystery of "Baywatch Nights'" most viral episode.

I Watched Every Episode of Baywatch Nights - Season 2

 

One of my speculations during Season 1 of "Baywatch Nights" was that it was constantly being tweaked due to low ratings. Well, in between Seasons 1 and 2, producers decided tweaking, re-tooling and adjusting just wasn't good enough - forget all that - instead, for Season 2, they pushed the Whopper Button.

From Wikipedia:

"For the second season, facing slipping ratings, which were never as good as the original series, the producers decided to switch to a science-fiction format (inspired by the success of The X-Files)."

Ho boy! Yes, the silly, beach-adjacent detective show with attractive women walking around in the background has changed to a paranormal investigation show set in a darkly lit sound stage. A pretty dramatic switch, I'd say, but do you think they're going to explain it within the logic of the show? Not one bit.

As the season begins, one of the main characters of the show (played by Gregallen Williams) is gone. Did he quit? Did he die? Did he retire? Not a word is spent on him, his name will not even be said. Whereas in the first season, each episode would begin with a customer wanting to hire the detective agency, now episodes begin with a mysterious government agent, Diamont Teague, needing their help for secret government secrets. Why? They were never paranormal experts, they were just an average detective agency, when did they become experts in the paranormal and why does the government, the richest organization in the world, ask THEM for help? We're talking about a former lifeguard and his pals, here. Never discussed, don't worry about it.

Maybe the show is better off not explaining. Because the one time they do make an attempt, the result is hilarious. In S02E07, a woman calls them because she's worried her daughter is in too deep with voodoo. Why does she call them? They explain: because Mitch, as a lifeguard, once saved her daughter. That's what they say. When you're battling a Haitian cult, you call Mitch Buchanan the former lifeguard because....? He swims good and can administer CPR? He'll bring a whistle or even a red floaty thing?

Regardless of the inciting incident, you can imagine the formula: each week is another phenomenon - creature from the black lagoon, aliens, ghosts, mummies, werewolves, time vortexes; they investigate them all, come to a conclusion and give a happy ending that's tinged with some ambiguity or spookiness.

One of the tropes they follow to a painful degree is: two partners on an investigation and one is a skeptic and the other is a believer (or more open to the possibility). Mitch and his partner trade off these roles depending on the episode but most of the time Mitch is the skeptic. It's a tried-and-true formula but it doesn't work so good when you're doing a TV series. "Don't give me those silly wives' tales" is a really weird thing to say when something paranormal has specifically happened to you every single week for the past 17 weeks and you've seen concrete evidence that it's all real. This stupidity reaches unbelievable levels in the episode (again S02E07) where Mitch, the victim of voodoo, is driving in a car alone and finds his hands spontaneously start bleeding, then feels stabs in his side and can barely move, then sees a man's stomach spontaneously explode, finds his hand has spontaneously healed but at the end of the episode he's SURE that voodoo doesn't exist. Mitch, you're a cartoon. It is possible that his denial is said as a joke, but given the tenor of the rest of the season, I don't think so.

Here's my favorite action sequence of the show. I can't decide if that's what they meant to do or somebody screwed up badly. Well someone screwed up badly either way but I mean, is that "style"? What is that? Is it exciting when a fight scene is blurry, hard to follow and shot at 3 frames per second?

Let's talk best and worst episodes. The best episode, I think, is S02E06, the gang goes into an old cabin and gets trapped in a surreal time-portal/time-loop thing. This is one of the more creative plots and the most dreamlike and they mix the sci-fi with some humor. It's still not great but it has, at least, something to it - it's enjoyable, it's different, you can see the kernel of a good show somewhere in there. Also in the "imaginative" category is S02E13, the gang investigates a Virtual Reality D&D computer game that swallows people into another dimension. It's very dumb but full marks for "going for it" with an odd idea, as opposed to just fighting a mummy or a vampire. The worst episode is very tough because the entire series is a slog, but the dumbest episode, I'll say, is S02E12 where a Viking is found in ice, unfrozen by scientists and goes on a rampage in modern day Los Angeles. A Viking, complete with the horn helmet, swinging his sword at trucks... it's so laughable.

Serious Science-Fiction, ya'll.

Let's run through guest stars again. It was more fun the last time but we need to get through it.

• S02E05 - Brant von Hoffman - not a celebrity but I just want to point out that he played two different characters across the two different seasons of "Baywatch Nights." Shyah! Right! As if we wouldn't notice!
• S02E11 - Robert Ginty! Again! He was also in Season 1 as another character.
• S02E12 - Edward Mulhare! He was Michael Knight's boss in "Knight Rider" (which obviously also starred David Hasselhoff) so this is an unofficial reunion episode. This episode also has Tom Dreesen and Johnny Dark. They're both good friends of "Late Show with David Letterman" and they happen to be in the same episode acting along one another in the same scene. Seems like a big coincidence, maybe there's a story there, I don't know.
• S02E16 - Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff. I remember her from "Baywatch" because I had a crush on her. I never knew her name so I never knew that she was actually married to David Hasselhoff in real life.
• S02E18 - Terry Kiser! From "Weekend at Bernies." He's Bernie.
• S02E19 - Alexandra Paul - Stephanie from "Baywatch." She died in "Baywatch" the previous year and appears here as a ghost.
• S02E20 - Rance Howard - father of Ron and Clint.
• S02E22 - Gregallen Williams - the guy who was a major character last season but cut from this one returns to do a cameo in one episode. No, they don't bother to explain anything, he just shows up and he's there now.

A few other unrelated notes. 

• Due to particular structure of S02E13, 21 minutes into a 42 minute episode and the opening credits are still playing. 
• In S02E01, Mitch is reading a real (I think) newspaper that contains the headline "Flyers Will Drink from Stanley Cup." The episode aired September 1996, which means it was filmed before that, and so the headline probably refers to the 1995-1996 playoffs. The Flyers finished first in their conference that year but lost in the second round to the Florida Panthers. In fact, the Flyers have not drunk from the Stanley Cup since then and we're coming up on 30 years later.
• There is a two episode run (S02E20-21) where Mitch and Angie Harmon's character are especially affectionate and playful with each other. Their chemistry has completely changed and it's very cute. I thought a show centered around these characters - a different show - could have really been enjoyable.
• I mentioned the theme song for Season 1 was excellent, the theme for Season 2 is not.

So that's "Baywatch Nights" Season 2. It's not exactly a terrible show but it's incredibly boring and was a complete slog for me. The acting and production are well done but I just don't care at all. When the  first season was stupid and silly, it could fall back on a certain amount of charm and attractive women. This season is stupid and silly but intends to be dark and serious sci-fi/horror and it's all very offputting. Keep in mind, I hate horror so I do have that bias but I like science-fiction. Good science fiction usually has a certain weight of intellect behind it, though, and the word "intellect" is one thing that has never been associated with Mitch Buchanan and "Baywatch". 

Even if the title didn't doom the project from the start, I think the entire concept of aping "X-Files" was doomed for failure. Yes, "The X-Files" was a big hit but that doesn't mean there was a sudden upswell in the public's demand for paranormal investigation shows. Bear in mind, I know almost nothing about "The X-Files" so I could be wrong here, but I don't think people's attraction to it was due to a love of aliens and monsters. I think the idea that "The Truth is out there" struck a chord with the zeitgeist of the time, it tapped into an unexpressed, deep-seated feeling that we were all being lied to. Compare that to the Nights tagline "The nights will never be the same" and you can see why it never made it to a Season 3.

And now that "Baywatch Nights" has inexplicably intersected with the genre of ghosts and goblins, you can see this whole venture into "Baywatch Nights" was in celebration of Halloween. Did you see that one coming? Happy Halloween.

I Watched Every Episode of Baywatch Nights - Season 1

"Baywatch Nights" is a laughingstock, a joke, the prototypical bad spin-off cash-in. If you are crafting a joke and need an embarrassing show that, nevertheless, people will recognize, I can think of no better punchline than "Baywatch Nights." That's why I watched every (available) episode. But what I found when I watched it surprised me in a number of ways...

Here's the first surprise: the first season is not really that bad. I really wanted the worst show out there and had to constantly admit that it just... isn't... terrible. Yes, on the one hand, it's not good enough to be a good show and I don't claim that it is good, but the sad fact is it's not bad enough to really be hilarious either.

"Baywatch Nights" follows Mitch Buchanan (David Hasselhoff) and his partners (played by Gregallen Williams and Angie Harmon) in their detective agency business. The formula for the show is obvious: every week someone comes in with a case/mystery and every week they catch the bad guys. In the early episodes, nothing is explained. Typically the first episode would be everyone meeting each other, explaining the backstory. The show has no backstory and particularly doesn't bother to explain how this is "Baywatch" aside from the existence of the character Mitch Buchanan. Presumably Mitch isn't a lifeguard by day and a detective by night because we see him doing detective work at night, but nor are we told that he's retired from lifeguarding. The show simply starts without explaining anything.

Throughout the show there's a "will-they-won't-they" between Mitch and Angie Harmon's character which is just as unexplained. Usually, when you put two characters together and show an obvious attraction between them, you also set up an obstacle that keeps them apart. This show sets up the obvious attraction between their characters, has them flirt, has them never becoming involved but gives no reason as to why. It isn't until the 8th episode where they "recall" that they had agreed some time in the past (not depicted) to not mix business with pleasure. Ok fine, you did the bare minimum, congrats, but that's still 7 episodes of "huh? why?"

There are a lot of parallels with "T and T." I get the feeling that this is the show that "T and T" would like to be - they both went for style, they're both detective shows revolving around solving a mystery, they're both cheesy but they both take themselves seriously. But whereas "T and T" had a general serious/downer tone, Nights is fun and generally lighthearted. Whereas "T and T" is the bad watching-tv-on-summer-vacation show, Nights is the acceptable watching-tv-on-summer-vacation show (acceptable, sometimes even fun). And I want it noted that while the "T and T" theme song is a trainwreck, the Nights theme song is excellent. Hasselhoff and Lou Rawls - what a combo.

Another parallel Nights shares with "T and T" is my general feeling that the people making it are constantly saying to themselves, "The ratings are bad so we need to shuffle things around." The first (minor) character is eliminated after just 4 episodes. Two new minor characters (one played by Donna D'Errico and one played by some dude) are introduced mid-way through the season. And those won't be the last cast changes but that will come later.

But another "shuffle" is the format of the show. In the earliest episodes, it's supposed to be a noir detective story, complete with Hasselhoff voiceovers like "My dad told me that once in a while you meet a woman so beautiful that it knocks the wind out of you. Maybe today was my turn..." But the noir narration is dropped fairly early on. There is also a big shift in its relation to "Baywatch." In the beginning, like I said, they avoid the topic completely, but then all of a sudden the mysteries (and therefore the episodes) will arise from the beach, lifeguards, etc. and sometimes they will dwell there. I got the feeling that someone saw low ratings and said "let's get some of that 'Baywatch' going" and quickly brought it front and center. And then suddenly they take the next step and there are actual characters from "Baywatch" crossing over to do a guest appearance!

Adding background actors to your scene can increase visual depth and interest.

And guest appearances, by the way, are one of the more delightful aspects of my experience with the show. I will list the major highlights:

•  S01E02 - J. Peterman from "Seinfeld" teams up with Kevin Arnold's older brother from "The Wonder Years" to steal money using rollerblades. That is real, that is what happens.
• S01E06 - Robert Ginty! Also Nancy Cartwright (Bart Simpson).
• S01E12 - "Stuttering John" Melendez - and actually acting, not playing himself.
• S01E13 - Geraldo Rivera - also acting as a fictional character. His acting is better than I expected from Geraldo but there are a few moments where his performance is funny.
• S01E16 - Yasmine Bleeth from the original "Baywatch."
• S01E19 - Carmen Electra - before she was very well known, I think, and probably before she joined regular "Baywatch." But forget about her - Ben Murphy is in the ep and he's the evil villain of the week! Ben Murphy is always ruining everything.

Speaking of bad acting, do you want to see my favorite performance in all of Season 1? Here it is. #OscarWorthy. It's just the best. Why wasn't there a spin-off for this guy? I'd watch that.

I have to mention, though I don't know how to transition to it, the obvious selling point of the show. The ladies. The attractive woman aspect of the show (I have to assume) is much more toned down than "Baywatch" but it's still very prominent. In any given scene of exposition, the main characters will be talking on a bench with perfectly placed beach babes walking (or rollerblading) across the foreground and/or background. The background and the extras are much of the sex appeal of the show but then occasionally someone's in underwear or taking a shower or "out for a swim" or whatnot. I mean, human females do all of these things and the show needs to reflect reality. There is one episode where something went wrong and it just gets weird. S01E19, is suddenly racier than every episode before or since. For some reason they really seemed to be "going for something," trying to push the envelope on what they could get onto syndicated television.

So that's "Baywatch Nights" Season 1. It's silly, it's stupid, the premise/title makes NO sense; yes it's a bad show but not nearly as bad as it really could, or by rights should, be. It looks slick, it looks stylish, the characters are entirely likable, the writing is as good as it needs to be. It also has the added bonus of a great "of the 90s" nostalgia. It's usually just light and breezy, fairly harmless, casual entertainment. Obviously, I started regularly watching the episodes as an ironic stunt to create some blog posts but I have to admit that the show actually started to grow on me a little bit and so I have little content to speak of. It grew on me for two reasons. Firstly, because it's the time of year where the days are getting shorter and the temperatures are dropping - I found the bright, sunny California beach setting became infectious, almost therapeutic. And secondly, I realized at some point that Donna D'Errico's appearance in the opening credits was often the best part of my day. I'm not happy about it, I don't like to admit it, but this is what happened.

So that's everything I have to say about Season 1. But get ready because moving on to Season 2, EVERYTHING is about to change...

Lost - The Theme Song

This is so stupid that I had to laugh. It's the new Lost opening!

Keep an eye out for the upcoming "Lost Nights".

This video lead me to another video:

And another: