Family Feud - Batman vs. Gilligan's Island

 

"Batman" + "Hogan's Heroes" + "Gilligan's Island"? What is this, a dream?

I've always found the Richard Dawson kissing the women thing to be so creepy. It's either totally creepy or I'm just really jealous.

It seems odd to have a "Gilligan's Island" team without Gilligan.

Does Anybody Remember Sitcoms?

 

And yet, wouldn't "The Ocean" have been more appropriate?

Gilligan's Island - Rescue From Gilligan's Island

Rescue From Gilligan's Island (1978)

Intro

After the cancellation of the series, four made-for-TV "Gilligan's Island" specials were made. "Rescue From Gilligan's Island" is the first and most remembered. If you've ever heard rumors of "the episode where they finally get off the island", this is that show. It's part of kid lore... like the one episode of "Tom and Jerry" where Tom finally catches Jerry and eats him. It aired 11 years after the "Gilligan's Island" had been cancelled and achieved huge ratings success.

The Production

First off, they don't use a laugh track. Have you ever watched Gilligan's Island and not heard constant artificial laughter? It is weird. When people make a bad joke, and two seconds of silence follow the bad joke, it underscores the fact that it was a bad joke. Watching "Gilligan's Island" without a laugh track is like watching a football game without crowd noise. It makes no sense. It's unclear how it happened and who made that decision but it's a huge mistake.

Secondly, Tina Louise (the original Ginger) refused to be involved so, in this movie, Ginger isn't really Ginger. On the one hand, Ginger isn't the most the most important character in the world so it's not earth-shattering... but the new Ginger's acting/impression is pretty bad and does affect the show. You know what I think happened? I think when they were casting the part of Ginger, they based it on looks and not acting ability. Outrageous.

Ginger II.

Finally, something's happening with Gilligan's hair. It's kind of frightening. He's 43 years old and he's got super jet-black hair and it's cur in that weird hair-that's-short-and-long-at-the-same-time kind of thing. Is it a wig? Is it a toupé? Is it a dye job? Extensions? Who knows. Somehow, even when you're completely cut off from civilization for decades you can still have a look that's completely steeped in the fashion of the time. In academic circles they call that "Spontaneous Style Synchronicity". It is rare, but it happens. Weird, awful 70's-ness: Elvis, Roy Orbison, Luke Skywalker..... Gilligan.

How They Get Off The Island

As the movie opens, the Skipper is unable to sleep because Gilligan is snoring so loudly. Gilligan's snoring has been a problem for 15 years and the Skipper is still sleeping within a two foot radius of the blast zone. They can't solve this problem? It is early foreshadowing of how this thing is going to go intelligence-wise.

But meanwhile in Communist Russia (for real)... a Russian spy satellite is malfunctioning and the Russians are forced to shoot it down in order to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands. One of exploded remnants lands on the island and Gilligan takes it to the Professor for careful examination.

The Professor finds it to be "some strange alloy [he's] never seen before" but, with it, he can finally make an "honest-to-goodness" barometer. Having done so, he finds that a storm of catastrophic proportions is headed to the island - a storm of such huge proportions that it will wipe them all out unless they create a raft and ride the storm.

We're barely 5 minutes into the movie and already the questions are piling up. If the Professor doesn't recognize the alloy how does he know how it can be used as a barometer? How is it going to be exact - you can't calibrate it against anything? Why do you need a more accurate instrument for a more severe storm? An empty bus won't kill you any less than a full bus. I understand none of this. Sometimes "Gilligan's Island" works in mysterious ways.

BUT THE PLAN WORKS.... and the storm is so forceful it pushes their raft into shipping lanes where they may be spotted by passing ships. After a brief run-in with a shark (set to circus music, of course) and a small boat fire (Gilligan!), they are found by the Coast Guard and  towed back to civilization. This is the moment. This is what every Gilligan's Island fan has been waiting for for so long and it's amazing.

Life Off the Island

They're celebrated as heroes but pretty soon the joyfulness is over. They each go their separate ways and, back in society, they each find that life off the island is not as happy and carefree as they had dreamt. In true "Gilligan's Island" fashion, each character is given their own specific set of problems:

• The Skipper can't buy a new boat (hey guy who spent 15 years on a deserted island, I have some advice: Don't Go On Boats.) because he can't prove to the insurance company that he was faultless in the original wreck. "It's not like back on the island where we all trusted each other;" Skipper opines, "we're back in civilization - dog eat dog!"
• Ginger finds that the movie business has changed. The movies of today are filled with profanity and sexuality and she wants no part of this new Hollywood. The nerve of these Hollywood producers considering Ginger to be a sex object! That is not cool. I fully echo Ginger's outrage and I commend this movie for its stinging indictment on the morays of contemporary society. The character of Ginger is based on Marilyn Monroe so it all makes sense if you think about it.
• The Professor finds that young college-age girls of his university find him totally irresistible. Not only that, but their constant, romantic advances are interrupting his important experiments! It is rough! 

Pictured: The Professor's Personal Hell.

• The Howells find - during the extravagant meals in their giant, palatial dining room - that their friends look down on them for associating with "commoners" like Gilligan and the Skipper. Not really that much of a "problem" if you ask me, but then, I don't expect the Howell's problems to be actual problems.
• Mary Anne finds that her boyfriend (who waited faithfully over all these years for her to return) now expects a wedding. She doesn't love him but doesn't have the heart to break it off. Now this is an actual quandary. Fortunately, the Skipper discovers that this problem falls into the very narrow subset of problems known as "Problems that can be solved with a tractor." Bet you didn't think of that.

"OOOHHH, I get it!" I hear you say, "They're going to find that, after all these years of wishing they were back, the grass isn't greener - that things were actually better on the island, and now they'll all want to go back... 'Lost' style." Ah, nothing gets past you.

NO. In the end, they still choose civilization (even with all its problems) over life on an island. You see, these subplots weren't leading anywhere. They mean nothing and you were a fool to suspect otherwise. There's no logic to it, it's just a bunch of stuff that happens - and it kills valuable network time, see.

How They End Up Back on the Island

The Prime Directive of "Gilligan's Island" Law (Section 1.1.2 Bravo) states that at the end of each episode, the castaways must, somehow, remain stranded on the island. Originally, this was because the people who made the show wanted to keep their jobs. But in a one-off made-for-TV movie scenario, the shackles are off and they can end it however they want. If they still insist on keeping them on the island, it probably means that the makers of this show enjoy pain and suffering....

To celebrate their happy return to civilization, the former-castaways decide to reunite "the gang" for a commemorative Hawaiian cruise on the Skipper's new boat.

Feel free to read that sentence again.... and as slowly as you wish. Let it sink in. It was the worst decision of their collective lives, they wasted 15 years on a deserted island, and they want to get the whole gang back together again, step on a boat and recreate the exact conditions which originally caused the worst thing that ever happened to them ever. I mean, what could possibly go wrong, right?

It's Sailin' Weather!

Question: Do you suppose the Skipper EVER listens to the weather forecast? I really don't think he understands how important weather is to nautical safety.

Gilligan's Intelligence Hits a New Low

Even if the Skipper knew the first thing about maritime .... anything, the Minnow would still be lost. At all times, the crew maintained multiple redundant systems of idiocy in order to guarantee consistent and total disaster.

As they're well into their second ill-fated cruise, Gilligan reveals that before they set sail, he took the initiative to "clean" the compass. "Clean" the compass? Yeah. What does that mean? Well, there was a little piece of metal in there (aka: the magnet) that he dug out and threw away because it was clearly unnecessary. He's a 50-year-old sailor and he still doesn't know what a compass is. It's actually worse than that. Just not understanding the compass wouldn't really be a problem. But what level of braindeadedness do you have to reach to open one up and start changing things up. I don't want to think about it.

The Greatest Punchline Ever

At one point in the movie, Mr. Howell is entertaining some rich guests in his lavish home. The movie cuts to him, already mid-joke as he exclaims, "So I said - mind you, this is the funny part - you can't park it here!!!" And then everyone laughs and laughs.

This line now joins "No, but that's a real nice ski mask." as an obviously EPIC punchline with no corresponding joke.

The Skipper's a Creep

Whilst on the raft and finally headed back to the mainland, the castaways have a discussion about what they're looking forward to most. The Skipper is remaining suspiciously silent.

The Professor: Skipper, I bet I know what you're thinking about.

[The Skipper Chuckles Creepily For A Long Time And It Gets Weird.]

The Professor: That's what I thought. You've got about 15 minutes before you relieve Gilligan on watch.

The Skipper: Thanks, Professor. That's just enough time for me to go through my list of girlfriends again.

 "List of girlfriends"? When did the Skipper become such a stud that he has a list of girlfriends? And for that matter, when did the Skipper discover girls? This was never part of his character in the series. It doesn't make sense. Why introduce this character trait now that he's a stone's throw from social security benefits? He's looking forward to seeing women again, yeah? THERE WERE WOMEN ON THE ISLAND! And you did NOTHING. You twiddled your thumbs and slept beneath another man (who snored loudly). You LOSE.

And it's not an isolated exchange. Once they get back, they're surprised to hear all the things that have changed while they were away. The president is different, the lingo is different, the clothing is different. Quoth the Professor: "Yes, it seems everything has changed." Suddenly, an attractive woman, dressed only in a bikini, waves suggestively to the Skipper whilst (what can only be described as) "porn music" plays. The Skipper: "I'm certainly glad that some things haven't changed."

Pictured: What Women Want.

Creepy. Old. Man. Who decided the Skipper should be a ladies' man? Which writer's brain synapses fired that connection? He's a stud? He's an overweight, white-haired senior citizen with a sailing cap. Oh, have I got your attention, ladies? How about I sweeten the deal. What if I said he has anger management issues and a history of physical abuse? Ladies, one at a time, please!

Conclusion

"Rescue From Gilligan's Island" was actually the first of its kind. It's the first ever TV show reunion. No one had ever reunited the cast members of a cancelled show for a television special and it was such an enormous success (ever heard of a 54 share?) that it inspired executives to do it for countless other shows - a trend that continues today.

As a fan of the original series, it's nice to see them finally get off the island but all of that good will is squandered when they end up coming back to it. I'm pretty sure the folks who made this movie hate freedom. In addition, it seems that they take the already innocent and naive characters of the original series and knock an average of 50 points off each of their I.Q.s. I won't even tell you where Gilligan ends up at the end of that calculation - let's just say that his isolation in the Pacific makes America safer. It also doesn't help our perception of them that there are no canned laughs; where we might have laughed at stupidity, we are left only to despair. Yes, addition to the "Gilligan's Island" franchise is far from perfect but unfortunately, as we shall see, it only gets worse.

Gilligan's Island - Continuity

The phrase "I've found an error in 'Gilligan's Island'" is a difficult idea to parse. The show lives in a world where logic, reason and science break free from objective bonds and become loose, relative concepts. So for the purposes of this article, I could say that I've found a continuity error in "Gilligan's Island". Even though that would make more sense, it's still not exactly something to add to the old resume. So what about this: I've found a continuity error in every single episode of "Gilligan's Island". Still not good enough? Too bad, that's what I got.

The opening theme plays, of course, before every episode. If you're making a TV show, it's easy to see why it would be important to be meticulous with the opening theme - it's the one sequence that's going to be repeated every time an episode is on the air (which is hopefully quite a lot). You make a mistake here and the error gets compounded and multiplied. "Gilligan's Island" has just such an error and, as you're about to see, it's an obvious, glaring mistake and it's been right there all the time, right under your nose.

Everyone knows how the opening them goes, "Just sit right there and you'll hear a tale...". It's probably one of the most recognized themes of all-time. We're introduced to the character and the situation and the entire set up to the show in a short song. Within this sequence, the first time we see the boat, the S.S. Minnow, we see this:

Ah. The S.S. Minnow has "S.S. Minnow" written on the side. Clever. Note: it's on the front half, on the right (the starboard side of the bow). For confirmation, we next see this longer shot:

Bam. There it is. So far, so good. Next, they set sail for what we all hope will be a three hour tour. I hope they make it this time. Here's what it looks like:

Note that the boat has (for lack of a technical term) an "upper deck". There are people "below" and people "above". In "inaccurate" terms, it's got two stories. I'd guess (based on what we see later) that  the upper deck is where Gilligan and the Skipper control the ship, but, for our purposes, it doesn't really matter. Now, here's where things get a touch untidy. Look at what's shown literally two seconds after that shot:

That's a totally different boat. It's not even close. It's wide, it's got no upper deck, it's got several windshield "sections". It's totally different. And in order to not notice that it's totally different, we'd have to have forgotten all of our memories from about two seconds ago.

Next is the "... the Minnow would be lost." bit. I kinda think the Minnow was lost at this point (nn-hoy-hoy), but regardless, take a look at what's shown literally 7 seconds after the previous depiction:

OK, so the "upper deck" is back so we're obviously back to the same boat we had at the beginning, right? But the boat in the beginning had "S.S. Minnow" on the side and this one doesn't. Another boat? We went through three different boats in the span of just a few seconds. We're just expected to accept it and it's this way for every episode - these details of the opening sequence never changed in the entire run of the show.

So there you have it. Two continuity errors in every single episode of "Gilligan's Island". Granted, this is hardly world-breaking stuff. But the point isn't that I've found this and I'm so impressive (but thanks very much, by the way) but kind of the opposite: how has everyone missed it? The point is, how can you see a thing a million times (as I have with "Gilligan's Island") and still never truly see it? Here, your brain is presented with two very different visual inputs and told that they are the same object and it doesn't raise a flag that something's wrong with that. And it can't be a weird quirk that only you possess because it's the same with everyone else. Multiply the millions of reruns by the millions of people who've watched the show - from the people who made it in the 60s, to the kid who watched it for the first time recently - it's overlooked by just about everyone every time.

What else are we missing?