Conan Reviews Video Games - Minecraft

Yesterday Conan started a new segment where he plays and reviews the latest video games. Of course,
Conan doesn't play video games...



One surprise: not a SINGLE comment about how it looks like "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straits. I thought that was a given. And, on a personal level, that's the main selling point.

Rating System:
88 - Pretty Good
110 - Excellent
150 - Awful
3 - Not Bad

Rating: 26C

Movie Review: Glengarry Glen Ross

Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)

Four salesmen in a real-estate office are told that for the next two weeks they'll be competing to make the most sales. First prize is a car, runner-up gets a set of steak knives, third and fourth prize is... you're fired.

A screenplay written by David Mamet and basically an-all-Oscar cast: Al Pacino, Jack Lemmon, Kevin Spacey, Alan Arkin, Ed Harris, Alec Baldwin. There is no forest among the trees - the movie yields no definable emotion (other than a general sense of dread and desperation) and no likable characters (per se). It is simply an assembled collection of amazing scenes and the enjoyment that comes from watching lowlifes in suits yell at each other.

The reason to watch this movie - the reason to re-watch this movie - is to see an all-star ensemble with a meaty script where every single actor knocks it out of the park. Watch a cast of legends and watch Jack Lemmon be even better.

7/10.

Late Night - Emmy Nominated

Congratulations to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon for being nominated for an Emmy award in the category "Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series".

Not nominated: "Conan" and "The Late Show".

Meanwhile, "The Daily Show" is also nominated and it's a good bet to win the award since it's won the award 8 years in a row. I'll always remember 2003 as the year comedy died.

The "Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series" category does not contain Conan, Letterman OR Fallon in order to make room for the likes of Bill Maher.

And this is why I stopped caring about the Emmys, Oscars and Grammys. They're too stupid to think or care about.

Batman : The Criminal Surmises

Blog Issue #398 - Batman: The Criminal Surmises

Summer Issue. 10¢.

Before I begin my remarks, I'd like to thank you all for coming here today. In addition to the Confederacy of Criminals, the Scofflaw Society and Ne'er Do Well Nation, we have joining us today, The Penguin, The Joker, Catwoman, The Riddler and Bane (who I've never heard of before but who, I'm assured by others, has some sort of significant history with Batman). We are honored to have you here.

[Polite Applause]

Gentlemen, you all know too well the problem of the Bat Man. He has foiled every plot, he's ruined every scheme and every attack against him thus far has failed. In short, he's been a thorn in our side for too long. And that is why I've come up with a plan to get rid of our problem permanently. That's right. I have a plan to kill the Bat Man.

[General Audience Surprise: "Rhubarb Rhubarb Hubbub Rhubarb".]

Settle down. It can't be that surprising. It really can't be. Gentlemen, the plan is simple. The plan is perfect. And the plan is...

[Clears Throat.]

We shoot him .... in the face.

[General Audience Disbelief: "Hubbub Rhubarb Rhubarb"]

Settle down, settle down. Please now draw your attention to the photo I have here - (Figure 1-A).

[Figure 1-A.]

As you can see, "Batman" wears a special suit that's of such advanced technology, it renders anyone wearing it totally bulletproof. However the suit design has one distinct flaw: uh, it's this giant area around his face. Generally, the more you cover yourself with special bulletproof material, the more bulletproof you become. Batman, for some reason, has decided that "100% invincibility" is too much. He's decided, instead, to make himself about 95% invincible.

[General "Impressed" Sounds]

[Under His Breath] Oh, geez. 

Yes, I agree, that is a very high percentage, gentlemen. But you might notice that as high a percentage as it is, it still leaves %5 of his body totally vulnerable to attack.... the 5% being his fat face.... His face is exposed..... You can hurt his face!  There's nothing there. All you have to do is shoot his face!

[...]

[A Long Sigh]

Look, in the past, we've tried every kind of attack from knives, to acid, to flamethrowers, mind control devices, genetic mutation, the ideas were virtually limitless. We've tried so many different types of attack that I've gotten the distinct impression - talking to you all - that the general consensus is "we've tried everything". In fact, I remember in the 60's it was a bizarre mixture of overly elaborate Rube Goldberg devices and just going straight at him with our fists. But the 60s were a confusing time for everybody and I digress...

A million methods tried and failed and yet all we had to do all this time was have someone, with any semblance of aim, balance or luck, point a gun and fire at the one part of his body that is totally vulnerable to virtually any harming thing. A gun is the best method but a bow and arrow will do. How about a blowgun? A rock in a sling would work. Ever heard of a laser sight? Heck, if you have a sniper rifle, you don't even need to be on the same block! It's so simple, it's absolutely unbelievable that no one's done this yet! You see?! We can defeat him and it wouldn't be that hard.

I'll now open it up for questions.... Yes, you in the hood!

.....Uh huh.... Yeah... Right, right.

Okay, in case you didn't hear, the question was "What about shooting him in the back?". The answer is No. That will not work. That falls under the "bulletproof" area that I talked about before. Thanks. Anyone else? Yes, you in the back!

.. Uh huh.....uh?....... ahh...... mmkay...

Okay, the question was "What about putting him in a machine that reflects and magnifies sound in ever increasing increments...." and then it went on from there, I don't know if I caught all of it but.... No. A million times, No. I can't tell you enough how much that plan is bound to fail. Really. Believe me. (Under his breath) This is getting sad. Anyone else?

...Mmm. ......Okay... Right.

Okay, the question was "What about a boomerang with some sort of attachment that shoots shrink-rays and has anyone tried that already?" Look, I don't know. It's certainly possible that someone has, I'm no historian... but I assure you without even thinking about it that it won't work. It hasn't worked, it won't work and I don't think you've heard a word I've said. Unless you meant to throw it at his face, was that the question?... No? Okay, then, no.

I'm wondering if this has all been a waste of everyone's time. I think this is a good time to break for lunch. Please enjoy the complimentary buffet and we'll meet back here at 1:30 to do some workshopping.

[A Smattering of Applause]

Conan - Campaign Slogans

Conan unveils some of the new campaign slogans that Joe Biden is floating:



I think "In the Long Run, We'll All Be Dead" has legs, baby!

Rad - Where Are The Deleted Scenes?

Prologue

"Rad" is a BMX racing movie made in 1986. The people who witnessed it generally divide their lives into two parts: pre-Rad and post-Rad. Critics and scholars have widely hailed it as man's greatest achievement. If you don't know what I'm talking about, stop now. Go rent it and then continue.

Backstory

In the early 2000s, me and a friend started talking about the movie "Rad". After going back and forth with dueling quotes and reminiscences of the movie, I remembered, "Yeah, and before the big race Cru gets the new Murray from the guy's store."
"No."
"What?"
"That's not in Rad". My friend was absolutely unequivocal.
"Yeah, sure it is. He's going into the big race and he gets a new bike for free."
"No. Trust me. I basically have the entire movie memorized and I'm telling you, that doesn't happen."

It had been years since I saw the movie so I relented. An additional watch of the movie revealed he had every reason to be so confident - there is no such scene in the movie. It was an open and shut case, yet if that's not in "Rad", what was I remembering?

Mystery Solved

Some time later, we looked up "Rad" on IMDB and the situation became apparent. IMDB has an  "Alternate Versions" entry for "Rad" which says the following:

"Scenes included in the final airing on the Canadian cable movie station Superchannel, but absent from the home video version; a short sequence, actually made up of three different scenes, right after the confrontation at the Rad Racing T-Shirt stand. These scenes are:

• Luke is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. His father tells him it isn't the end of the world. He excuses himself from the table.
• Amy is sitting in her room listening to music when her mother comes in. They have a short exchange where her mother scolds her for acting childish. An unnamed boy storms out of his house late at night.
• A drunken Bart Taylor stumbles into the restaurant where Cru works just as it's closing. Shouting, Bart challenges him to a one-on-one race, since Cru has been disqualified from HellTrack. Bart winds up falling over and doing a face plant into a piece of pie on the table where Sgt. Smith is sitting.
• Cru thanks Mr. Pratt for him and the town getting behind him and supporting Rad Racing. Mr. Pratt gives Cru a brand new bike from his store.

All of the characters from the deleted scenes are listed in the credits on the home video version."
[Erroneous "deleted" scene removed, spelling mistakes corrected, etc.]

Note: For what it's worth, I even remember an additional detail not listed on IMDB - the "bike" was a Murray.

The Missing VHS Link

That scene wasn't an invention of my imagination - I had simply seen a version of the movie with the "deleted scenes" still intact. Except the IMDB page says those scenes were only on Canadian Cable and absent from the VHS version. The problem is, I wasn't watching on Canadian cable. I've never seen Canadian cable. I've never been to Canada. I saw those scenes on a VHS copy from a local video rental store.

The key to tracking down the "extended" version of the movie would be to simply go back to that store. Unfortunately, like most small video rental businesses, it went out of business long ago.

But I have no reason to believe some local yokel video place is special (REAL special). If they had an alternate version of the movie, surely there are others out there? I'd think so but despite lots of searching, I've never found one. I've not found one, I've never even talked to anyone that saw one,  I've never even talked to anyone who knew anyone else that saw one. Nothing on youtube. No results even from Google There are entire websites devoted to the movie that don't have one word to say on the subject. The only source of information that a VHS version of "Rad" with the deleted scenes even exists is my memory.

A Call To Break The Ice

As a "Rad" fan, I really want to recover the lost footage and see those deleted scenes. I imagine every fan would. But randomly buying VHS copies of the movie and hoping to buy just the right copy (though awesome), would be ridiculously expensive. I don't know what the odds are (or even if there are any odds at all), but I have to imagine it's like playing the lottery. In short, finding this tape on chance alone would take a radical miracle.

Other than the aforementioned IMDB page, this blog is the only other page on the internet about this subject. So I'm throwing it out to anyone with any information. Have you ever seen the deleted scenes? Do you know someone who has? Do you have any information whatsoever about the existence of VHS versions with the deleted scenes included? Do you own a copy? Could I buy it? Do you have any information about this subject whatsoever?

Leave a comment. Let's find this sucker.