Nutria Fallout

"The best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry."

-- Begin Transmission --

Day 52 since The Event and supplies are wearing thin. Today I thought I saw a mouse in my house. I scoured the entire structure and found no entry points or traces of activity. I must now face two possible realities: 1) I have a mouse in my house to threaten my already dwindling supplies. 2) I've begun to hallucinate. Neither possibility is particularly encouraging. I will continue to monitor the situation if I continue to survive.

-- End Transmission --

-- Begin Transmission --

Day 53 since The Event. No activity around the mouse traps and no sign otherwise. Could it really be a hallucination? Thought about running the radio for one minute. Reconsidered.

-- End Transmission --

-- Begin Transmission

Day 54 since The Event. I definitely have a mouse. I woke up in the middle of the night to a decidedly metallic sound - like a spoon on a bowl. In the morning I checked my dishes and found mouse droppings in my drinking cup. The mouse defecated inside the cup from which I drink. It's not just a definitive sign that what I saw was real, he's sent a message. Thought about throwing away my paper towel roll telescope. Thought I might need it later.

-- End Transmission --

-- Begin Transmission --

Day 55 since The Event. Cleaned all dishes, counters and put away all trash. Eliminated all possible food sources for the mouse intruder. Checked my mouse traps. The bait had been eaten and the trap hadn't sprung. I replaced the bait. I'm basically feeding it as a pet at this point. Worse, I may be in a bad cartoon.

-- End Transmission --

Serious Jibber-Jabber - Judd Apatow

It's the second edition of "Serious Jibber-Jabber". At 70 minutes long, it's quite a commitment. But if you have any interest in the process of creating comedy or film-making, it's very interesting.

Conan Reviews Video Games - Hitman

In the latest installment of "Clueless Gamer", Conan reviews the yet-to-be-released "Hitman : Absolution". It's probably the most fun he's had with any game. He is also very tidy.

Gilligan's Island - Rescue From Gilligan's Island

Rescue From Gilligan's Island (1978)

Intro

After the cancellation of the series, four made-for-TV "Gilligan's Island" specials were made. "Rescue From Gilligan's Island" is the first and most remembered. If you've ever heard rumors of "the episode where they finally get off the island", this is that show. It's part of kid lore... like the one episode of "Tom and Jerry" where Tom finally catches Jerry and eats him. It aired 11 years after the "Gilligan's Island" had been cancelled and achieved huge ratings success.

The Production

First off, they don't use a laugh track. Have you ever watched Gilligan's Island and not heard constant artificial laughter? It is weird. When people make a bad joke, and two seconds of silence follow the bad joke, it underscores the fact that it was a bad joke. Watching "Gilligan's Island" without a laugh track is like watching a football game without crowd noise. It makes no sense. It's unclear how it happened and who made that decision but it's a huge mistake.

Secondly, Tina Louise (the original Ginger) refused to be involved so, in this movie, Ginger isn't really Ginger. On the one hand, Ginger isn't the most the most important character in the world so it's not earth-shattering... but the new Ginger's acting/impression is pretty bad and does affect the show. You know what I think happened? I think when they were casting the part of Ginger, they based it on looks and not acting ability. Outrageous.

Ginger II.

Finally, something's happening with Gilligan's hair. It's kind of frightening. He's 43 years old and he's got super jet-black hair and it's cur in that weird hair-that's-short-and-long-at-the-same-time kind of thing. Is it a wig? Is it a toupé? Is it a dye job? Extensions? Who knows. Somehow, even when you're completely cut off from civilization for decades you can still have a look that's completely steeped in the fashion of the time. In academic circles they call that "Spontaneous Style Synchronicity". It is rare, but it happens. Weird, awful 70's-ness: Elvis, Roy Orbison, Luke Skywalker..... Gilligan.

How They Get Off The Island

As the movie opens, the Skipper is unable to sleep because Gilligan is snoring so loudly. Gilligan's snoring has been a problem for 15 years and the Skipper is still sleeping within a two foot radius of the blast zone. They can't solve this problem? It is early foreshadowing of how this thing is going to go intelligence-wise.

But meanwhile in Communist Russia (for real)... a Russian spy satellite is malfunctioning and the Russians are forced to shoot it down in order to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands. One of exploded remnants lands on the island and Gilligan takes it to the Professor for careful examination.

The Professor finds it to be "some strange alloy [he's] never seen before" but, with it, he can finally make an "honest-to-goodness" barometer. Having done so, he finds that a storm of catastrophic proportions is headed to the island - a storm of such huge proportions that it will wipe them all out unless they create a raft and ride the storm.

We're barely 5 minutes into the movie and already the questions are piling up. If the Professor doesn't recognize the alloy how does he know how it can be used as a barometer? How is it going to be exact - you can't calibrate it against anything? Why do you need a more accurate instrument for a more severe storm? An empty bus won't kill you any less than a full bus. I understand none of this. Sometimes "Gilligan's Island" works in mysterious ways.

BUT THE PLAN WORKS.... and the storm is so forceful it pushes their raft into shipping lanes where they may be spotted by passing ships. After a brief run-in with a shark (set to circus music, of course) and a small boat fire (Gilligan!), they are found by the Coast Guard and  towed back to civilization. This is the moment. This is what every Gilligan's Island fan has been waiting for for so long and it's amazing.

Life Off the Island

They're celebrated as heroes but pretty soon the joyfulness is over. They each go their separate ways and, back in society, they each find that life off the island is not as happy and carefree as they had dreamt. In true "Gilligan's Island" fashion, each character is given their own specific set of problems:

• The Skipper can't buy a new boat (hey guy who spent 15 years on a deserted island, I have some advice: Don't Go On Boats.) because he can't prove to the insurance company that he was faultless in the original wreck. "It's not like back on the island where we all trusted each other;" Skipper opines, "we're back in civilization - dog eat dog!"
• Ginger finds that the movie business has changed. The movies of today are filled with profanity and sexuality and she wants no part of this new Hollywood. The nerve of these Hollywood producers considering Ginger to be a sex object! That is not cool. I fully echo Ginger's outrage and I commend this movie for its stinging indictment on the morays of contemporary society. The character of Ginger is based on Marilyn Monroe so it all makes sense if you think about it.
• The Professor finds that young college-age girls of his university find him totally irresistible. Not only that, but their constant, romantic advances are interrupting his important experiments! It is rough! 

Pictured: The Professor's Personal Hell.

• The Howells find - during the extravagant meals in their giant, palatial dining room - that their friends look down on them for associating with "commoners" like Gilligan and the Skipper. Not really that much of a "problem" if you ask me, but then, I don't expect the Howell's problems to be actual problems.
• Mary Anne finds that her boyfriend (who waited faithfully over all these years for her to return) now expects a wedding. She doesn't love him but doesn't have the heart to break it off. Now this is an actual quandary. Fortunately, the Skipper discovers that this problem falls into the very narrow subset of problems known as "Problems that can be solved with a tractor." Bet you didn't think of that.

"OOOHHH, I get it!" I hear you say, "They're going to find that, after all these years of wishing they were back, the grass isn't greener - that things were actually better on the island, and now they'll all want to go back... 'Lost' style." Ah, nothing gets past you.

NO. In the end, they still choose civilization (even with all its problems) over life on an island. You see, these subplots weren't leading anywhere. They mean nothing and you were a fool to suspect otherwise. There's no logic to it, it's just a bunch of stuff that happens - and it kills valuable network time, see.

How They End Up Back on the Island

The Prime Directive of "Gilligan's Island" Law (Section 1.1.2 Bravo) states that at the end of each episode, the castaways must, somehow, remain stranded on the island. Originally, this was because the people who made the show wanted to keep their jobs. But in a one-off made-for-TV movie scenario, the shackles are off and they can end it however they want. If they still insist on keeping them on the island, it probably means that the makers of this show enjoy pain and suffering....

To celebrate their happy return to civilization, the former-castaways decide to reunite "the gang" for a commemorative Hawaiian cruise on the Skipper's new boat.

Feel free to read that sentence again.... and as slowly as you wish. Let it sink in. It was the worst decision of their collective lives, they wasted 15 years on a deserted island, and they want to get the whole gang back together again, step on a boat and recreate the exact conditions which originally caused the worst thing that ever happened to them ever. I mean, what could possibly go wrong, right?

It's Sailin' Weather!

Question: Do you suppose the Skipper EVER listens to the weather forecast? I really don't think he understands how important weather is to nautical safety.

Gilligan's Intelligence Hits a New Low

Even if the Skipper knew the first thing about maritime .... anything, the Minnow would still be lost. At all times, the crew maintained multiple redundant systems of idiocy in order to guarantee consistent and total disaster.

As they're well into their second ill-fated cruise, Gilligan reveals that before they set sail, he took the initiative to "clean" the compass. "Clean" the compass? Yeah. What does that mean? Well, there was a little piece of metal in there (aka: the magnet) that he dug out and threw away because it was clearly unnecessary. He's a 50-year-old sailor and he still doesn't know what a compass is. It's actually worse than that. Just not understanding the compass wouldn't really be a problem. But what level of braindeadedness do you have to reach to open one up and start changing things up. I don't want to think about it.

The Greatest Punchline Ever

At one point in the movie, Mr. Howell is entertaining some rich guests in his lavish home. The movie cuts to him, already mid-joke as he exclaims, "So I said - mind you, this is the funny part - you can't park it here!!!" And then everyone laughs and laughs.

This line now joins "No, but that's a real nice ski mask." as an obviously EPIC punchline with no corresponding joke.

The Skipper's a Creep

Whilst on the raft and finally headed back to the mainland, the castaways have a discussion about what they're looking forward to most. The Skipper is remaining suspiciously silent.

The Professor: Skipper, I bet I know what you're thinking about.

[The Skipper Chuckles Creepily For A Long Time And It Gets Weird.]

The Professor: That's what I thought. You've got about 15 minutes before you relieve Gilligan on watch.

The Skipper: Thanks, Professor. That's just enough time for me to go through my list of girlfriends again.

 "List of girlfriends"? When did the Skipper become such a stud that he has a list of girlfriends? And for that matter, when did the Skipper discover girls? This was never part of his character in the series. It doesn't make sense. Why introduce this character trait now that he's a stone's throw from social security benefits? He's looking forward to seeing women again, yeah? THERE WERE WOMEN ON THE ISLAND! And you did NOTHING. You twiddled your thumbs and slept beneath another man (who snored loudly). You LOSE.

And it's not an isolated exchange. Once they get back, they're surprised to hear all the things that have changed while they were away. The president is different, the lingo is different, the clothing is different. Quoth the Professor: "Yes, it seems everything has changed." Suddenly, an attractive woman, dressed only in a bikini, waves suggestively to the Skipper whilst (what can only be described as) "porn music" plays. The Skipper: "I'm certainly glad that some things haven't changed."

Pictured: What Women Want.

Creepy. Old. Man. Who decided the Skipper should be a ladies' man? Which writer's brain synapses fired that connection? He's a stud? He's an overweight, white-haired senior citizen with a sailing cap. Oh, have I got your attention, ladies? How about I sweeten the deal. What if I said he has anger management issues and a history of physical abuse? Ladies, one at a time, please!

Conclusion

"Rescue From Gilligan's Island" was actually the first of its kind. It's the first ever TV show reunion. No one had ever reunited the cast members of a cancelled show for a television special and it was such an enormous success (ever heard of a 54 share?) that it inspired executives to do it for countless other shows - a trend that continues today.

As a fan of the original series, it's nice to see them finally get off the island but all of that good will is squandered when they end up coming back to it. I'm pretty sure the folks who made this movie hate freedom. In addition, it seems that they take the already innocent and naive characters of the original series and knock an average of 50 points off each of their I.Q.s. I won't even tell you where Gilligan ends up at the end of that calculation - let's just say that his isolation in the Pacific makes America safer. It also doesn't help our perception of them that there are no canned laughs; where we might have laughed at stupidity, we are left only to despair. Yes, addition to the "Gilligan's Island" franchise is far from perfect but unfortunately, as we shall see, it only gets worse.

TGYWYHSACWAAP

Another highlight from this week's SNL was a conversation with The "Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party". In fact, I kind of do wish I had started a conversation with her at a party.



Can I sing a Negro Spiritual real quick?

Louie / Lincoln

Louis CK was the guest host on Saturday Night Live yesterday. He did a phenomenal parody of his show as Abraham Lincoln. If you're not familiar with the show "Louie" this won't make a lot of sense but it's great.

Conan Goes Halloween Shopping

Ex-Talk Show Host visited a Halloween shop and here is the result:


If the "Ex-Talk Show Host" mask is familiar to you, he pointed it out last year as well.