Merry Christmas

First, a message from the President:

The Band - Christmas Must Be Tonight

A Charlie Brown Christmas (The Ruined Version)

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A Patrick Swayze Christmas (A Christmas Carol based on the movie "Roadhouse")

Darlene Love & The CBS Orchestra - "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"

[I wanted to avoid repetition but it is unavoidable.]

Merry Christmas.

Late Show Christmas Edition Epilogue

The Late Show does the same Christmas traditions year in and year out over and over and the FIRST TIME I write a blog about them, something different happens. Gutting. I can at least take some consolation in the fact that nobody listens to me anyway.

CUT, yes CUT from the Late Show (due to time, pffff) was Paul's Cher Impression. Nevertheless you can see it here. A classic that never gets old.

As of this posting, CBS hasn't uploaded the full show onto the web. You can check here. But because CBS's web video kinda sucks anyway, I'll go through the list and post segments from Christmas Past.

1) Topping of the Christmas Tree - Like I had warned earlier it looks like this is no longer done on-air anymore. Fair enough. See the very first one here.

2) Paul's Cher Impression - Cut from the show. See THIS YEAR'S as a "web exclusive" here.

3) The Lone Ranger Story - This one was a little flat, I thought, owing partly to the fact that Jay Thomas took a comedy risk and insulted the audience when he came out. Nevertheless you can see one of the past tellings here:

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4) The Late Show Quarterback Challenge - This year there was a bit of a surprise. Dave got the idea to do a recreation of the first Quarterback challenge (see Origins in Previous Post) where he would throw a couple and miss and they Jay Thomas would run out and throw a bomb right on target. Dave throws one... miss, throws another... hit's the meatball right off the tree. The Challenge is over without Jay even throwing a single ball. Here's what it looked like in the past:

5) Darlene Love Performs "Christmas Baby (Please Come Home)" - This is one tradition that was as great and rock solid as ever. Just fantastic. Here's one from the past.

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You won't see anything that good anywhere, I guarantee.

And that about wraps 'er up.

VCR ALERT! DANGER! LATE SHOW!

Tonight is the "Late Show with David Letterman" that the entire Late Show with David Letterman year revolves around. Be sure to tune in / set your tivo / start the VCR / mark it down in your social, political or otherwise daily planner / call the neighbors / wake the kids / call the cops, etc.

It's the Late Show Special Christmas Edition! They do hundreds of shows each year but this is the biggey, this is what it all builds up to, it all comes down to this. If there was just one Late Show to see this year, it would be this one. There are a number of special Christmas Late Show traditions, some ridiculous (okay, most are ridiculous), some emotional, which have gradually and organically built up over the years and now you too can anticipate and look forward to them because I'm here to tell you what they are (hopefully without spoilers).

1) Topping the Christmas Tree

What to Expect: Most people put a star or an angel on top of the Christmas tree. That isn't the Late Show way. In order to represent the city of New York and at the same time bring in people who are part of the "Late Show family" in a creative way, the Christmas tree is topped first with a pizza (from Joe G's Pizza, a former neighbor of the show) then a small model of the Empire State building is placed on top of that (from Mujibar and Sirajul - also former neighbors of the show and frequent correspondents) and finally with a giant meatball with tomato sauce (from Rupert G's Hello Deli, a long time and current neighbor of the show). Traditionally "the topping of the tree" is meant to be done at the beginning of the week but I haven't seen it this year so it's either not shown on-air anymore or it'll be on tonight.

Origins: This tradition goes back to 1993, the first year of the Late Show. It was the first Late Show Christmas tree and they just decided to ask Mujibur and Sirajul to bring items from their shop to commemorate their friendship. They brought an American flag, a commemorative "U.S. Presidents" plate and a figurine of the Statue of Liberty. The Statue of Liberty conveniently fit the top and so it was kept. The pizza and meatball were added later as the show met more neighbors and I believe the Statue of Liberty was changed to the Empire of State building at some point. See the first ever topping here.

2) Paul's Cher Impression

What to Expect: During desk chat, every year, Dave requests and Paul recalls a famous Christmas moment from the old "Sonny and Cher" show where Cher sang "Oh, Holy Night". It always ends with Paul doing a musical impression of what it sounded like that brings down the house. I don't want to give too much away but the word "muff" WILL be mentioned and it gets a laugh ever year.

Origins: This goes back almost to the dawn of Dave History. Paul first told this story in April of 1983 on Late Night. Dave enjoyed it so much that it was later retold at Christmas time of that year and has subsequently become tradition. No link so as to avoid spoiling the fun.

3) The Lone Ranger Story

What to Expect: Jay Thomas comes on and tells the "Lone Ranger Story". Pretty simple, just a man telling a true story from his past. Except to say, (and I won't give anything away) that the reason for this tradition is that it's the greatest true anecdote ever told on a late night talk show ever, in the history of all things. Oh, yes, prepare thyself, citizen.

Origins: This story was first told like every other story. Jay came on the show as a guest and simply told it. Dave describes it as perhaps the best story he's ever heard as a host of a talk show and he's brought Jay back every year since to retell it. I think this became a tradition basically as a Christmas gift that Dave gives himself and in conjunction with the fact that Jay has to be on the show anyway for #4.

4) The Meatball Quarterback Challenge

What to Expect: With the Christmas topping all in place (see #1) Jay Thomas and Dave get a giant vat of footballs and throw the footballs at the tree. The goal is to bullseye the giant meatball head-on and knock it off the tree from a distance of about 20 yards. It's something of a competition although Jay hits it almost ever year. These days, with over a decade of throws gone by, the Challenge is usually preceded by a montage of all past years.

Origins: In 1998, Dave had NFL quaterback Vinny Testaverde on the show and at the end of the segment they played the "Holiday Quarterback Challenge" (trying to throw a football and knock the meatball off the tree). Attempt after attempt, Vinny and Dave missed. Finally, Jay Thomas, who was scheduled as the second guest that night, got so mad that he ran out on stage, grabbed a football and knocked it off on his first throw. He's been back every year since. Recent editions have been preceded by the montage (mentioned previously) and have also incorporated the Late Show Hula Hoop Girl and Late Show Grinder Girl - although I think these two were just temporary and not actual additions to the tradition.

5) Darlene Love Performs "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"

What to Expect: If you're like me you might not be familiar with the artist or the song. But if you're like me, you'll instantly recognize both once you hear them and go "oooh". Coming at the end of the show, it's meant to be the finale that gets you right into "The Christmas spirit" and it works. I get goosebumps every single time and if you're not dead you will too.

Origins: In 1993, Paul and Darlene were doing a play together about the life of Phil Spector and invited Dave to see it. After the show Dave said to Paul, "We need to get Darlene Love down here to sing that Christmas song. That's the greatest Christmas song I've ever heard." And so they did. Originally, it was just Darlene and the band but each year it gets "bigger" as they try to top last year's performance. The number of instruments grew, the number of back up singers grew, the production grew etc. Until today where they have a full band, full orchestra, full choir, fake snow, costumes, the works. Last year (or a few years ago) they even had a saxophonist descend from the ceiling to do a solo.

And that's your Christmas Late Show. Know it. Watch it. Enjoy it.

I Wish It Was Christmas Today

It might have the legs to become a new Late Night Christmas Tradition (more on that in future)... Here's Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz, Julian Casablancas and The Roots performing "I Wish It Was Christmas Today".

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Jimmy explains how the song came about and how Julian got involved during the "Desk Chat" segment of the full episode found here.

Ricky Gervais on Sesame Street

Ricky Gervais made an amusing appearance on Sesame Street this week as part of the "Celebrity Lullabies" series. This is a recurring sketch where Elmo hires a celebrity to sing him a lullabye. No "Freelove Freeway" encore though.

The better, but more earnest episode, was Andrea Bocelli's seen here.

Conan Works At Best Buy

The title says it all. For some extra cash he's gonna get up every day, get chemically altered, steal from his work and take an 1.5 hour lunch with several courses just like the rest of us.

 

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Boyz II Men Live

I'm not the most massive fan in the world but I know a fantastic live performance when I see it.

Here's Boyz II Men performing with The Roots "Motownphilly":

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They also did a very cool cover of "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. You can only see that by within the full episode here.

Bit o' Trivia: You can see Questlove and Black Thought in the original "Motownphilly" music video. Questlove playing the drums and Black Thought is dancing in the background.

Paul Shaffer on Late Night

Remember how much fun it was when two tv shows "crossed over"? Like "Scooby Doo Meets Batman and Robin" or "The Jetsons Meet the Flintstones"? Sure, we all do. But what's infinitely more enjoyable, to me, is when a talk show host is a guest on another talk show. Not only because of the cross-mojination that happens and the colliding of worlds, but also because the change in roles where the interviewer becomes the interviewee.

Jay Leno and David Letterman were both on Johnny Carson. Letterman was on Conan and vice versa. Craig Kilborn was on Letterman but not the other way around (though he did have Paul Shaffer). Conan was on Carson Daly's show and vice versa. Jimmy Fallon was on Letterman and Conan. And on it goes into the night.

And so it's a huge event for me that Paul Shaffer was on Jimmy Fallon's show recently. It was a great interview. You can see the full interview here starting at 21:24 but only for a limited time! As it's only available within the context of the full show, it'll be taken offline in a few days. In particular Paul confronts the Roots on Questlove's quote in Rolling Stone magazine that when thinking about which song to play for guest intros, he thinks, "What would Paul Schaffer do?" and then does the opposite. OUCH. It's so on.

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Paul's on to promote his new book which is a collection of anecdotes from his experiences in show business over the past 5 decades. I have a pretty strict rule that I only buy books that are educational but I'm thinking of making an exception for this book. Talk about a life worth reading about - he's been a song writer and studio musician for years, he was in the SNL band from the first season so he has stories about that era, he's been on Letterman for the past 30 years, he was in Spinal Tap and, oh yeah, he's the musical director for the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame so he's played with, met or worked with EVERY SIGNIFICANT MUSICIAN OF THE PAST 50 YEARS. And that's not an exaggeration. I want to make a list but if I do, I'll leave out about 30 other giant stars.

Who Cares Wins: Christmas Edition

It seems that some time in the late 80's or early 90's James Fallon made another training video - this time about how to wrap gifts. It's quite infotaining and lives up to the level of quality we've come to expect from the great people at Vision Video.

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Edit: After watching the video, the fact that you had to confirm your birthday to view it will make even less sense.

Dave Vs. The White House Vs. CNN

Freshly uploaded and hot off the youtube presses: Dave vs. The White House vs CNN! This is a classic from 5 years ago.

First the Late Show aired the following segment entitled "George W. Bush: Invigorating America's Youth":

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Then comes the aftermath:

This video is one of the classics in my opinion. The constant unbelievable twists are great.

Blog Bonus #1: It was also shocking. CNN, a trusted news organization, didn't just get the story wrong, they made up the story. I mean, it's very easy to get a fact wrong or misquote someone but I don't have the faintest clue how anyone in the world could mess up by not getting any comment from the White House and then reporting "The White House says..." How does that happen? ... And they did it not just once, but TWICE. They actually correct an earlier made up story with a second made up story! It's the absolute height of ridiculousness. "Newsroom" was the best satire of media ever made but even the characters on that show never did anything this stupid. It makes for great unscripted comedy though.

Blog Bonus #2: Note that Paul and the band's theme for the Schick Quattro is "Take Five" by the Dave Brubeck Quartet. Earlier I thought that he had gotten it wrong because Quattro is 4 and it's "Take 5" but now I think it could be referring to the fact that the artists are a quartet. Quattro... Quartet. Either way, it's very clever.

Blog Bonus #3: The video uses a star wipe! When it became apparent in watching the full-length clip that it required editing, I knew exactly what was called for. ["Star Wipe" Simpsons Clip Not Online]

Classic Roots Choice #14

On Monday Givoanni Ribisi was on Late Night. The Roots played a jazzy version of the "Leave It To Beaver" theme song. Who'd ever of thought anyone would say that.

Ribisi's first ever role was as a kid in "Still The Beaver", a revisiting of the original characters starring almost all of the original cast (Hugh Beaumont, the dad, died earlier). I remember watching the show. It was sooo 80's and I remember thinking it wasn't that great but I enjoyed it anyway because I was such a big fan of the original series.

The Final Countdown

RIGHT... eh.. errmm ... Right ... eh ... Right.

I could watch this all day. The rhythm of it, the silences... This game seems to take place in a joyless, silent, energyless void of a world. It's Simon Sad vs. Liz Tragic. It reminds me exactly of when I used to watch "Lingo" on a Saturday evening. Those days aren't coming back.

The parody is a send up of this game show.

Right... SO, ehhh ... right... right... so ... uh, right....

Classic Roots Choice #13

David Alan Grier was on Late Night yesterday. His intro music was a short bluesy tune sung by Questlove with somewhat muddled lyrics. It went, "Like to hear it? Here it goes! That David Alan Grier on broadway with the fine Eric Washington but won't hook a brother up with no down town ticketsss. AHHH-HAHH."

The Roots wrote their own Calhoun Tubbs song:

This blog post is short. In fact, I wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it goes... Blog post isn't longgg, dunt got that many wordss. AHHHAAA-HAHH-AHH.

Tom Hanks Reaction Shots

First there was "Vlade Divac Reaction Shots" which, by all accounts, vastly enhanced the NBA on NBC broadcasts. Then there was "Abe Lincoln Money Shots" which was totally unrelated. Now, there's "Tom Hanks Reaction Shots" provided as a special bonus feature to the night's Top Ten List.

Let's watch...

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Dave Explains Twitter

If I had access to years of archival footage, one of the things I would do would be to create a series of "David Letterman Explains Stuff". It's a very difficult phenomenon to explain but he always gets certain specific details wrong while adding other fanciful details of his own in such a way that makes the story particularly hilarious.

This is a slight example but my intro aside, the point is that today, he was convinced to start tweeting on-air. It was history in the making:

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Later he got a toaster on the desk, plunged some bread and tweeted that he was making toast. Then to the audience, "I'm the only thing on CBS right now."

Put On Zeppelin And Eat Cheddar Cheese

Having never seen a Star Trek redub in my life, I came across this video which promises to be the weirdest Star Trek redub ever. It delivers.

Turns out there's a few of these. I like this one as well:

Andy Rooney's Lost His Mind

Andy Rooney's lost his mind. This is a phrase I often used in high school when I started specifically setting aside a section of my Sunday evenings to watch Andy Rooney's persuasive essays on "60 Minutes". Imagine having a sectioned off segment on national network television where you had complete editorial freedom to tell millions of viewers anything you wanted. Any issue you felt strongly about, any cause you wanted people to get behind, any product you wanted to promote, anything you wanted to say about anything. Such power is rarely to be found anywhere in all of human history. Andy Rooney has this power. Andy Rooney uses this power to emit the aural equivalent of watching paint dry.

There's some evidence that he used to actually have valid opinions on things and used to write valid TV essays. I remember in 7th grade we had to read one of his essays where he espoused the many advantages of writing a letter as opposed to calling someone on the phone. I remember him making some really good points and the piece did get me thinking. However, I think after about the second or third decade of doing this, he must have run out of all meaningful opinion and slipped, slowly but surely, into the realm of shocking insanity.

Which brings me to why I started watching his "essays" every Sunday. Every Sunday he uses his platform on national television to do something so idiotic that it defies both explanation and belief. I can honestly say, "One time I watched Andy Rooney literally take clothes out of his closet and talk about them for 5 minutes and that was it". No one would believe me but it's a true story. "One time I saw Andy Rooney list the utensils in his kitchen." "In a dream?" "No, that really happened." "One time Andy Rooney's essay consisted of emptying his mailbox and talking about the letters he had received." That really happened. One time Andy Rooney used the mass media of television to deliver a speech so devoid of rational thought that it made my brain shut down and I blacked out.

The worst part, for me, is that all the while that he's spouting nonsense, he compounds the pain by asking "biting" and "rhetorical" questions that are very easily answerable. "What do they do with platinum anyway?", he says in one segment. LOOK IT UP AND STOP WASTING AIR TIME!!! "What in the world does 'sub-prime' mean?" OPEN A BOOK, JACKASS! "I don't understand what 'vamped' means so how could I understand what revamped means?" I HOPE NOAH WEBSTER RISES FROM THE GRAVE TO STAB YOU!

Is it comforting or horrifying, then, that we can know that even in the event of a worldwide nuclear holocaust, Andy Rooney will endure?

Post-Apocalyptic Andy Rooney

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