Conan - Campaign Slogans

Conan unveils some of the new campaign slogans that Joe Biden is floating:



I think "In the Long Run, We'll All Be Dead" has legs, baby!

Rad - Where Are The Deleted Scenes?

Prologue

"Rad" is a BMX racing movie made in 1986. The people who witnessed it generally divide their lives into two parts: pre-Rad and post-Rad. Critics and scholars have widely hailed it as man's greatest achievement. If you don't know what I'm talking about, stop now. Go rent it and then continue.

Backstory

In the early 2000s, me and a friend started talking about the movie "Rad". After going back and forth with dueling quotes and reminiscences of the movie, I remembered, "Yeah, and before the big race Cru gets the new Murray from the guy's store."
"No."
"What?"
"That's not in Rad". My friend was absolutely unequivocal.
"Yeah, sure it is. He's going into the big race and he gets a new bike for free."
"No. Trust me. I basically have the entire movie memorized and I'm telling you, that doesn't happen."

It had been years since I saw the movie so I relented. An additional watch of the movie revealed he had every reason to be so confident - there is no such scene in the movie. It was an open and shut case, yet if that's not in "Rad", what was I remembering?

Mystery Solved

Some time later, we looked up "Rad" on IMDB and the situation became apparent. IMDB has an  "Alternate Versions" entry for "Rad" which says the following:

"Scenes included in the final airing on the Canadian cable movie station Superchannel, but absent from the home video version; a short sequence, actually made up of three different scenes, right after the confrontation at the Rad Racing T-Shirt stand. These scenes are:

• Luke is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. His father tells him it isn't the end of the world. He excuses himself from the table.
• Amy is sitting in her room listening to music when her mother comes in. They have a short exchange where her mother scolds her for acting childish. An unnamed boy storms out of his house late at night.
• A drunken Bart Taylor stumbles into the restaurant where Cru works just as it's closing. Shouting, Bart challenges him to a one-on-one race, since Cru has been disqualified from HellTrack. Bart winds up falling over and doing a face plant into a piece of pie on the table where Sgt. Smith is sitting.
• Cru thanks Mr. Pratt for him and the town getting behind him and supporting Rad Racing. Mr. Pratt gives Cru a brand new bike from his store.

All of the characters from the deleted scenes are listed in the credits on the home video version."
[Erroneous "deleted" scene removed, spelling mistakes corrected, etc.]

Note: For what it's worth, I even remember an additional detail not listed on IMDB - the "bike" was a Murray.

The Missing VHS Link

That scene wasn't an invention of my imagination - I had simply seen a version of the movie with the "deleted scenes" still intact. Except the IMDB page says those scenes were only on Canadian Cable and absent from the VHS version. The problem is, I wasn't watching on Canadian cable. I've never seen Canadian cable. I've never been to Canada. I saw those scenes on a VHS copy from a local video rental store.

The key to tracking down the "extended" version of the movie would be to simply go back to that store. Unfortunately, like most small video rental businesses, it went out of business long ago.

But I have no reason to believe some local yokel video place is special (REAL special). If they had an alternate version of the movie, surely there are others out there? I'd think so but despite lots of searching, I've never found one. I've not found one, I've never even talked to anyone that saw one,  I've never even talked to anyone who knew anyone else that saw one. Nothing on youtube. No results even from Google There are entire websites devoted to the movie that don't have one word to say on the subject. The only source of information that a VHS version of "Rad" with the deleted scenes even exists is my memory.

A Call To Break The Ice

As a "Rad" fan, I really want to recover the lost footage and see those deleted scenes. I imagine every fan would. But randomly buying VHS copies of the movie and hoping to buy just the right copy (though awesome), would be ridiculously expensive. I don't know what the odds are (or even if there are any odds at all), but I have to imagine it's like playing the lottery. In short, finding this tape on chance alone would take a radical miracle.

Other than the aforementioned IMDB page, this blog is the only other page on the internet about this subject. So I'm throwing it out to anyone with any information. Have you ever seen the deleted scenes? Do you know someone who has? Do you have any information whatsoever about the existence of VHS versions with the deleted scenes included? Do you own a copy? Could I buy it? Do you have any information about this subject whatsoever?

Leave a comment. Let's find this sucker.

Gilligan's Island - Continuity

The phrase "I've found an error in 'Gilligan's Island'" is a difficult idea to parse. The show lives in a world where logic, reason and science break free from objective bonds and become loose, relative concepts. So for the purposes of this article, I could say that I've found a continuity error in "Gilligan's Island". Even though that would make more sense, it's still not exactly something to add to the old resume. So what about this: I've found a continuity error in every single episode of "Gilligan's Island". Still not good enough? Too bad, that's what I got.

The opening theme plays, of course, before every episode. If you're making a TV show, it's easy to see why it would be important to be meticulous with the opening theme - it's the one sequence that's going to be repeated every time an episode is on the air (which is hopefully quite a lot). You make a mistake here and the error gets compounded and multiplied. "Gilligan's Island" has just such an error and, as you're about to see, it's an obvious, glaring mistake and it's been right there all the time, right under your nose.

Everyone knows how the opening them goes, "Just sit right there and you'll hear a tale...". It's probably one of the most recognized themes of all-time. We're introduced to the character and the situation and the entire set up to the show in a short song. Within this sequence, the first time we see the boat, the S.S. Minnow, we see this:

Ah. The S.S. Minnow has "S.S. Minnow" written on the side. Clever. Note: it's on the front half, on the right (the starboard side of the bow). For confirmation, we next see this longer shot:

Bam. There it is. So far, so good. Next, they set sail for what we all hope will be a three hour tour. I hope they make it this time. Here's what it looks like:

Note that the boat has (for lack of a technical term) an "upper deck". There are people "below" and people "above". In "inaccurate" terms, it's got two stories. I'd guess (based on what we see later) that  the upper deck is where Gilligan and the Skipper control the ship, but, for our purposes, it doesn't really matter. Now, here's where things get a touch untidy. Look at what's shown literally two seconds after that shot:

That's a totally different boat. It's not even close. It's wide, it's got no upper deck, it's got several windshield "sections". It's totally different. And in order to not notice that it's totally different, we'd have to have forgotten all of our memories from about two seconds ago.

Next is the "... the Minnow would be lost." bit. I kinda think the Minnow was lost at this point (nn-hoy-hoy), but regardless, take a look at what's shown literally 7 seconds after the previous depiction:

OK, so the "upper deck" is back so we're obviously back to the same boat we had at the beginning, right? But the boat in the beginning had "S.S. Minnow" on the side and this one doesn't. Another boat? We went through three different boats in the span of just a few seconds. We're just expected to accept it and it's this way for every episode - these details of the opening sequence never changed in the entire run of the show.

So there you have it. Two continuity errors in every single episode of "Gilligan's Island". Granted, this is hardly world-breaking stuff. But the point isn't that I've found this and I'm so impressive (but thanks very much, by the way) but kind of the opposite: how has everyone missed it? The point is, how can you see a thing a million times (as I have with "Gilligan's Island") and still never truly see it? Here, your brain is presented with two very different visual inputs and told that they are the same object and it doesn't raise a flag that something's wrong with that. And it can't be a weird quirk that only you possess because it's the same with everyone else. Multiply the millions of reruns by the millions of people who've watched the show - from the people who made it in the 60s, to the kid who watched it for the first time recently - it's overlooked by just about everyone every time.

What else are we missing?

Movie Review: Glory (1989)

Glory (1989)


During the American Civil War, an all-black volunteer regiment is formed and leads the battle to take Fort Wagner.

 One of the main traits that identify movie "epics" is the ability to step away from dialogue and allow the pictures and music to convey an emotion. With all the weight of history, this movie features battle scenes that are both sweeping and brutally graphic and a score by James Horner that is, in my opinion, the greatest ever. The cast includes both Morgan Freeman and Denzel Washington. Washington and Andre Braugher give career performances.

The largest criticism I've heard about "Glory" is Matthew Broderick's performance as Col. Shaw. At the time of filming, Broderick was about 26. At the time of the events depicted Shaw was 25. If Broderick appears to be too young and or simply out of his depth, I believe that is precisely the point.

There are so few perfect movies in the world. To me, this is one of them. This is the Nth time I've watched it but there are still very few scenes that don't make my hair stand on end - either from the fear of battle or the welling up of emotion. Transcendent.

10/10.

Movie Review: The Decalogue (1989)

The Decalogue (1989) 

A Polish mini-series, the Decalogue is 10 1-hour films, each dealing with one (or more) of the 10 Commandments. Far from cautionary tales, each film's association with a commandment is often loose and sometimes cryptic. The films explore the murky complexity of ethics in the modern world where "the right thing to do" becomes a slippery, sometimes contradictory, term. The point is not to answer questions, but rather to raise them.

It's been said that all the events of "Magnolia" take place within a square mile (10 blocks). All the main characters of all the films of the Decalogue live in the same apartment complex. Sometimes they cross paths. One character appears in almost all of them but his presence is never explained.

Kubrick felt The Decalogue was the only masterpiece made within his lifetime. Although it didn't affect me quite as much as that, there's no doubt it's expertly crafted. Ambiguity abounds, every minute is a subtle clue to something else, endings are usually not resolutions, most everything is subject to interpretation.

7-9/10.

Gilligan's Island - The Professor Can Make Radio; Can't Fix Boat.

"How come the Professor can make a radio out of coconuts but he can't fix a hole in a boat?"

It's the Second Great Question of "Gilligan's Island". It's the fallback of every lazy stand-up comedian ever. If you were living in the '80s, all you had to do was read this line in front of a brick wall at a comedy club and a gaggle of TV executives would carry you away, give you your own sitcom and shower you with piles of cash. If you added a "Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?" you were a superstar.

Though those glory days are long gone, the question rings down through the ages as one of the great unanswerable mysteries of life, the universe and everything. That is, until now. The question has an answer and I'm gonna tell you what it is and you're gonna sit there and listen, see! Mmrraaaah, see?

First things first, though. Although the question could be worded in any number of ways ("How come the Professor can make a generator out of coconuts...?", "How come the Professor can make a phonograph out of coconuts...?", and on and on) there appears to be a common agreement about the exact wording - "...make a radio...". In the incalculable fluctuations of human activity, this is slightly strange. But it's all the more puzzling when you consider the fact that the Professor never made a radio out of coconuts. He made a generator, he made a peddle car, he made a syringe, he made tons of stuff but he never made a radio. They only had one radio and it looked like this:

Ah, the good old Packard Bell AR-851. Not Pictured: telescoping antenna.

OK, OK, all of that is beside the point. The real question is: if he can make any complex invention, why can't he fix a stupid hole in a stupid boat?! The answer is simple: there is no boat.

In Season 1, Episode 8 - "Good-Bye Island" - Gilligan attempts to make pancake syrup. In the process of screwing it up, he discovers a plant-based waterproof glue that they can use to repair the hole in the boat. This they do and, in proper "Gilligan's Island" fashion, decide to give the whole boat a once-over, presumably to make it extra non-sinky.

As fate would have it, it turns out the glue is only temporary and loses its cohesive properties after a few days. In fact, it doesn't just lose its cohesive properties, like the chemicals we tend to find on planet Earth, it comes apart in such a way that basically causes the Minnow to explode. Board by solitary board. And so, from the eighth episode to the end of the series, the "boat" looks like this:

The S.S. Minnow: The Reality

And so you see, the Professor can not fix the boat because there's nothing to fix. There is no boat. Search your memory - can you think of a single time after the eighth episode where we ever see the castaways hanging by the boat, standing on the boat, pulling parts off the boat or do anything at all which causes us, the audience, to see the boat? Nope, neither can I. Never happened.

But even if there is no boat, perhaps the question could be: "If the Professor can make... why can't he  build a new boat?" Well, the building material of the island is bamboo and a boat made out of bamboo is usually called a raft and they did make a raft in a number of episodes throughout the series. See the individual episodes for the reasons why that didn't work (other than the fact that the writers of the show enjoyed their job and wanted the show to continue).

So the entire "Professor" question is BS. It's nonsense and the reasons why are in the show if you pay attention. So then why is it so widespread? Heck, almost half of the Professor's wikipedia article is dedicated to it. Sherwood Schwartz, the show's creator was asked about it his entire life and even he didn't have a good answer. Same with Bob Denver. Same with Russell Johnson. I think I know where the confusion is coming from. It might just come from the fact that they're showing this image at the beginning of Every. Single. Episode...

The S.S. Minnow: The Public Perception.

There's your problem. But then, that's not the only problem with the opening sequence. But that's another story...