Tonight Show - Wolf Waker Suggestion Box

The HWolf HWaker returns...

The Wolf Waker awoke with a spasm, instinctively reaching for his harmonic spear. But the trusty weapon was gone. He blinked... then blinked again. All around him was a plain, white void, featureless and infinite. 

The last thing he remembered was searing quasar beams melting the diamond coating of his command module and the vacuum of space, itself, on fire. Perhaps the Androgen Codex had been correct, after all. For the first time in his life, the Wolf Waker felt trapped, dizzy and impermanent.

He began piecing together what would be the greatest escape of his life and ultimately the salvation of Habitat 9. 

Behold the call of the Wolf Waker... 

Return of the Wolfwaker

The journey to liberate the bird-like creatures of Barnard's world had begun with purpose, but readings from the star's core troubled the Wolfwaker. As the Conjoining Plague slowly spread amongst the wolf army, he wondered if they would ever make it home. 

He had witnessed enough pain and cruelty for a thousand lifetimes but still he recoiled at the horrible alien mutations that the plague had wrought. Innocent and loyal wolves were sacrificed - flung screaming into the Ocean of Burning Methane which lay beyond the Great Waste. And now the Bird King had gone mad, calling for a worldwide insurrection against the wolves before he too felt the sting of the Wolfwaker's harmonic spear. 

There were only three keys left to the Quantum Tunnel. Two of them were flying like daggers into the heart of the faltering star...

Return of the Wolfwaker

For centuries the Wolfwaker had journeyed in solitude, thousands of light-years from the lush bosom of the Wolf Planet. He was the Chrylon 4 Star System's most gifted warrior, yet his nights were spent alone, huddled in his starship upon a meager buckwheat cushion, harmonic spear at his side.

And each new dawn, as he woke from restless slumber to the blinding haze of a white-hot intergalactic sun, he would raise his face to the heavens and wonder, "Will I ever know love?" 

And so it was that one day, a beautiful she-wolf appeared to him - thousands of years his junior - with a delicate snout and coat so supple, it set the very ions of the Wolfwaker's synthetic consciousness ablaze. For seven blissful harvests she shared his buckwheat cushion and the Wolfwaker at last knew peace in his loins. 

But he knew also that his destiny lay elsewhere and that he must travel onward without her... Ever onward, a scorching pillar of fusion flame, deeper and further amongst the stars, defending the wolves against sentinent, hyper-violent robotic overlords and waking them when they slept...

Return of the Wolfwaker

With the Wolfwaker to guide them, creatures of the Wolf Planet lived in peace and prosperity for thousands of years. They developed a complex system of government and arts and science flourished and a broad industrial base waked into existence in half a century. Within a millennium, the wolves ventured into space and became children of the stars. 

On a bright, clear day, 6000 years after landing on Lupen, the Wolfwaker was given their fastest vessel. Equipped with neutrino-pulse-disruptor technology, this massive star ship could tear through the very fabric of the universe, devour Class 9 stars and bring the Wolfwaker home at last. "Is this the end of my long journey?", he wondered. "Can I finally put down my harmonic spear?" 

As he sped through the outer limb of the galaxy, riding on a pillar of fusion flame toward a planet he called home - towards uncertainty - the Wolfwaker knew in his bones that the fight was not over. The iris to open the faster-than-light communicator embedded in the fat of his hand had sent one final coded message hurtling back through space to the wolves. 

It was his final goodbye, and it was a warning...

Return of the Wolfwaker

[Videos Deleted]

The Wolfwaker was born to a nomadic tribe that wandered the barren plains of Cyrus 6 - a small, rocky world orbiting a dying sun in a forgotten corner of a distant galaxy.

At age ten, he was captured by Nightwalker sentinels and taught to wield the harmonic spear. His childhood was spent in the cold vacuum of space. His play things - tools of destruction. His education - interstellar war. He became a master of killing and fought along other Nightwalker slaves, some of them organic, some of them machines, all of them orphans.

When he was twenty Earth-years-old, he was sent to annihilate the wolf home world - a peaceful green planet called Lupin. As he stepped from the landing craft, the wolven dawn broke over the mountains reminding him of daybreak on Cyrus 6 when he was a boy. Something awoke within the Wolfwaker and he turned his weapon against the Nightwalker Dropship as it sped off to safety. He swore a blood oath to defend the wolves and as they awakened him, so would he awaken them and lead them in battle beyond the stars...

The Wolfwaker

I'm posting the whole segment but the real point of the post is the Wolfwaker introduction. It has to be one of the most preposterous and ridiculous things ever vocalized on network television. I was laughing by the third sentence and then it just kept going.

Cell Phone Shootout Part 1:
[Video Deleted]

Cell Phone Shootout Part 2:

[Video Deleted]

It was in the time of the Rock King,

Before the Age of Green Fire,

Before the Machine Rebellion,

Before the Trials of Jupiter.

The wolves were a proud and peaceful civilization

Caring for the small green and blue planet they inherited

When the humans left for the stars.

The wolves lived in human cities,

Practiced human government

And carried on human traditions

Like Christmas.

But the wolves were not alone.

One man stayed behind

To care for the wolves

To teach them art and science

To guide them through the birth

Of their civilization.

The Wolfwaker lived 300 miles above the Earth

In a vast and lonely orbiting fortress.

Always watching.

Always protecting.

And every year,

On Christmas Day,

He descends from the clouds

On a sled of fire

Waking the wolves of the Earth

To remind them of their humble beginnings

And remind them of their destiny in the Heavens...