The Cortland Apple - A Review

 In our last installment, "The SweeTango Apple - A Review," I noted that the lowest rated apple was the Newtown Pippin Apple and stated that I would try to find one. I still haven't found any, nor have I found the second-lowest rated apple. Ah, but the third-lowest rated apple is the Cortland Apple, which was readily available and purchased by me.

The AppleRankings review for Cortland describes it as a "damp hacky sack left outside a frat house all winter..." And we have a problem.

Tasting the Cortland Apple and... I love it. It's great! While I'm not an expert, I have had a fair amount of different varieties of apple, I have disliked a great many of them and I find the Cortland has to be one of my favorites. It's super sweet and "appley." I'm trying to figure out exactly what AppleRankings had a problem with. The apples I got were ultra-soft - so if crispness is a criteria, I can see them knocking these. But I reject crispness as a criteria. If apples need to be hard, we need to write off all apple sauce and I am not prepared to do that.

Apples are famously inexact. I'm not willing to guess that AppleRankings got a bad batch - I think they're doing multiple samples to ensure accuracy. But I'm willing to allow the possibility that I got a particularly good batch. Still, the Red Delicious has an overall score of 25 and there is simply no way therefore, that the Cortland deserves to be 1 lower at 24 when it's so superior. 

My world has changed forever. I have to wonder... if AppleRankings is wrong about their apple rankings, what else could they be wrong about?

The SweeTango Apple - A Review

 Recently, during my review of the Cosmic Crisp Apple, I found that there is actually a website dedicated to ranking apples. Shortly after that, I found that the SweeTango apple is ranked #1 in the world. And so here we are.

Before I get to my review, I want to inform you (or remind you if you already know) that you should not buy Red Delicious apples. Red Delicious apples are bred to be red irrespective of taste. That means that unsuspecting people buy them because they look good in the store only to find, when they get home, that they've been ripped off.  Accordingly, applerankings has Red Delicious as 4th from the bottom with the description of "Coffee Grinds in a Leather Glove."

The lowest ranked apple on the list has a rating of 19 and described as "Long Island's Sand-Filled Condom," it's the Newtown Pippin Apple. I will try to get a hold of some of those if I can for a future post but I expect I won't be able. I've looked around and don't see a source anywhere.

So, the SweeTango Apple (with a rating of 93, "The Greatest of All-Time")... I was able to find some and it was pretty easy... and I've now tried them. I'll start with how applerankings is wrong first and then I'll explain why they're right.

Any time you see something described as "perfect" and the "greatest in the world" you build up certain expectations, or at least I do. I picture something in my head that's completely different, perhaps otherworldly or even supernatural. SweeTango apples are not that, they have not completely revolutionized my life. They are just apples. If you've ever enjoyed a good apple in your life, you pretty much have the idea of what SweeTango Apples are already in your mind.

But here's why the "perfect" description is apt. The skin, the texture, the sweetness, the taste, these are all so excellent and nothing in the experience is out of balance with anything else. I can't critique this apple, there is nothing to complain about. Even if it's not "out of this world," even if it's just an apple, still, this apple is excellent at being an apple.

So there you go. If you like apples and haven't already, check out SweeTango for sure. And if you don't care about apples and they don't excite you, just forget about it and keep going on with your life. And if that's the case, apologies for this long diversion into apples.

The Cosmic Crisp Apple - A Review

It's been almost 3 years since I saw this video...

And since then I've been on a quest to find one. It seemed futile given the "It's only available from Washington" nature but, who knows, maybe apple smugglers would create an apple black market at some point.

Well, yesterday I noticed a market near me was offering Cosmic Crisp Apples so I made the trip and was successful.

My review? Having had one, I can definitely say it tastes like an apple. If you're looking for a weird food adventure, this isn't it. It's 99% apple flavor with 1% extra sweetness - the news stories that say extra sugar content are accurate here. But if you've ever had apple cider, you can imagine how these taste. But the scientists that created it were breeding towards longer shelf life rather than flavor so expecting anything different was my mistake. On that subject, the above video makes reference to people claiming Cosmic Crisps could last a year, but I find no websites claiming that now and I have no interest in testing it myself.

So if I was going for flavor, what should I be hunting for? Well, according to applerankings.com, the SweeTango Apple is the greatest of all-time. Dang it, they were available at the store I was just at and I passed right by. Well, I'll look for those sometime. Deciding to review an apple was kind of a joke, now I see apple reviewing is serious business and people are going to come to my blog and be disappointed.