Up on the Housetop

I was listening to some Christmas music today and in true Festivus fashion, I have a problem and now you're all gonna hear about it.

One of the staples of this season is the song "Up on the Housetop", an old timey song of which the most famous version is still Gene Autry from 1953.

The chorus goes like this:

Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn’t go.

Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn’t go,

Up on the housetop, click, click, click;

Down through the chimney with old Saint Nick.

Now it's possible that I was asleep during Santa class, but from what I remember, there is no option of joining Santa as he goes down the chimney. There was never a raffle where 2 lucky people get to ride with him in his sleigh nor any myth that Santa would let people go down the chimney with him. This is never presented as an option, so why even ask? Every second you spend thinking up an answer to the question posed by these lyrics is a second wasted.

And a direct question would be bad enough. This song has the audacity to take it further. Rather than "would you go..." it's "who wouldn't go..." Suddenly, I'm taking a census. Ok, what percentage of the population would go up on the roof with Santa and what percentage wouldn't do the thing that never happens anyway and is pointless to ask? Gee, I don't know how to divide the demographics on this.

All that being said, I'm ready to answer the question for myself. I would NOT go up with Santa and through the chimney. First off, I don't like the heights, I don't like roofs and I'm not practiced in walking on them. Secondly, we're told that the way Santa gets through the chimney is by some magic. But is that magic even transferable to others? I don't know, I don't fancy finding out. Nor do I want to find out if the magic protects me from inhaling chimney soot or getting it all over my clothes. Is it up to me to climb slowly down - I don't like the idea of a two story free-fall into either a roaring fire or some cinder blocks.

No. Definitely not. I pass on this whole fake proposition that's never going to happen and doesn't exist as a thing. Sounds like a nightmare. Gene Autry and whoever can do whatever they want on the housetop but as for me, I'd rather be up on the roof with James Taylor.

Merry Christmas, everybody.