The Peanut Butter Solution (1985)

 

In an earlier post, I mentioned "The Doughnuts" - a movie I remembered from school. Well, in the same category is "The Peanut Butter Solution" - at least, I think I remember it, it seems familiar.

"The Peanut Butter" solution is nuts and it's so nuts that if I went into detail, this post would end up being way too long. But if I play my cards right and keep things high level, it will still be way too long. This movie is nuts.

"TPBS" is about a boy who sees something shocking in an abandoned building (we don't see what) and the shock is so great that he passes out and goes bald. The movie (and the kid) describes the experience of baldness thusly:

"I LOOK DISGUSTING! YOU HEAR?! DISGUSTING!"

He becomes the pariah of his school (literally a soccer game stops so that everyone playing can chase him with insults). But in the night ghosts of homeless people visit him and give him the secret formula to hair growth - The Peanut Butter Solution. And that should be enough story - kid loses hair, uses secret formula - this story follows in the same vein as other childhood classics such as "The Chocolate Touch" and "Freckle Juice." But at this point in the movie we're only halfway in. For whatever reason, there's so much more going on...

As the story begins, the kid and his family are saying things like "I wish mom were here" sorrowfully and the sister of the family is acting like the mom. Very serious and somber... No, the mom didn't die, she's just on a road trip, she'll be back soon. Okay...? Meanwhile, the kid has a mean art teacher and he's fired. There were reports that he caused nightmares. Sounds like insubstantial grounds and he has a lawsuit. Remember that "Peanut Butter Solution" from the homeless ghosts? It works but it works too well and his hair grows about an inch per minute and the movie explores the problems of too much hair. Then he gets kicked out of school because the constant hair growth is distracting the children. There's also a side-plot where the best friend gets crazy hair growth in his pants - it makes no sense, it's weird, it's never resolved; as far as I can tell.

Then there are a series of kidnappings in the area and the main character is one of the kidnapped children. A little heavy for a children's movie, but okay. The kidnapper is the evil fired art teacher, he has an evil sweatshop where he's using the kids to make art supplies and selling paintbrushes made from the main kid's hair. Oh, and also he makes magic art, no big deal. Are you following this? The kid's sister and best friend figure out that the art teacher is the kidnapper and do they call the cops? No, they decide to pursue him themselves so they can get in perilous situations.

Here's the climax of the movie - spoilers if that matters to you - the evil art teacher has made a magical painting of the original abandoned building where the shocking thing was seen which made the kid go bald. The evil art teacher then steps into his own magical painting and sees the shocking thing in the building (how?) and passes out just like the kid did. The kid goes in and does the same again, but this time, he's not scared; lesson/personal growth?

Oh wait, that's not the climax because the evil art teacher wakes up after we forgot about him, ala a Slasher film, and the sweatshop kids have to fight him. They do, they succeed. At the end, the family's mom is back from her trip and presumably the kid still has a hair growth problem - or did his victory at the abandoned house fix his hair?

Crazy enough plot for you? Did you follow all that? Stranger than the plot, I think, is the tone and pace of the film. This all sounds wacky and fun. It is wacky but the movie is actually slow and plodding. This movie is serious and unusually dark; it's kind of a psychological horror film except slightly toned down for kids. It's like "Goosebumps before Goosebumps." The oddity is particularly extreme in the part where the kid becomes bald and he becomes depressed, withdrawing from society - it's played completely straight. He cries convincingly, it is a brutal depiction of trauma. Children's movies are supposed to be fun... usually. This is like a kid's version of "Rosemary's Baby."

My memory of this story is so vague as to be nearly non-existent. I really only remember the title and short premise. Even so, it seemed most likely that we read the book in school but didn't watch the movie. Now I realize that it was never a book, it only exists as a movie. I wish I could remember anything for sure, I have to assume we watched this movie in school.

A final side note. Wikipedia notes that "This film features the first English-language songs performed by Céline Dion" so we can pretty much credit this film with the career of Celine Dion. Wonderful.