Murder, She Wrote > All

I was listening to someone go on and on about the classic horror/slasher movies the other day and, as I have almost no interest in the movies made in those genres, I had little interest in the conversation. But hearing them talk in such detail about how great they are made me kind of think I was missing out on something. So, I thought to myself, "What are the things that were genuinely scary that I also enjoyed?"

The ones that immediately came to mind were the things that freaked me out when I was a kid. Number one on the list is "Unsolved Mysteries". If you want to prevent me from being able to sleep put Robert Stack in a trench coat on a dark street in a studio lot and have him narrate over a slow motion re-enactment of "the man who was kidnapped at night and never seen again". I'm sure this is a common reaction. One time when Conan was hanging out with a bunch of kids for a bit and showed them a picture of Robert Stack they immediately started booing. He didn't get it at all but I know the score.

Number two on the list would have to be "Murder, She Wrote" for pretty similar reasons. I didn't so much have trouble with the murder, or the mystery, or the clues, or the suspects - what got me was the end of the show when Jessica Fletcher(Angela Lansbury) would explain how it was all done and they would show it in flashbacks. Recently I've downloaded a few episodes to revisit what was so scary.

Here are 11 reasons "Murder, She Wrote" is better than shows today:

1. Guest Starring: Robert Goulet. - No explanation needed.
2. Casual smoking. - It used to be glamorous and it used to be on tv.
3. Alcoholism is treated in a frothy way. - It's not a serious problem, it's comic relief!
4. "Tonight on 'Murder She Wrote'..." - That's right, they used to have a montage of what you were about to see. Some shows today have a "Previously On..." montage at the beginning and some shows today have a "Next Time On..." montage at the end but NOBODY has a "Tonight On..." montage. That's hardcore.
5. Everywhere this woman goes there's a murder. - And she never does the JD Salinger thing and cuts off all human contact. You would think, "Stop going to social functions, people are dieing, woman!!!". But no, if Jessica Fletcher stops watching people drop like flies around her then the terrorists have won.
6. Murder is just a normal part of life. - A corpse is lying on the floor, battered and bloody and Jessica Fletcher acts like it's the start of an Easter egg hunt. She practically runs over the corpse looking for clues.
7. Guest Starring: Cesar Romero. - He's the original Joker if you don't know.
8. Theoretically solvable mysteries (much of the time). - The audience can usually follow along with the mystery and figure out the murderer based on the clues in the show. You don't get that with your "CSI"s and your "Law and Order SUV"s.
9. Non-horrific clues. - Speaking of "CSI" and that lot, never in the history of "Murder She Wrote" has Jessica Fletcher ever found traces of semen anywhere. When Jessica grabs her flashlight you can rest assured she's not going to use it to look through pubic hair. You can come up with your own third example, this is making me feel sick. But it is true... and you can see it on primetime television every night.
10. Unrelenting titles. - Actual episode titles: "Hooray for Homicide", "We're Off to Kill the Wizard", "Paint Me a Murder" (that one's about a painter), "One Good Bid Deserves a Murder", "Corned Beef & Carnage" and "Simon Says, Color Me Dead". Incidentally, it's a style that was copied by "Family Guy" in its first few episodes.
11. Avoidance of controversial subjects. - We all know the Robert Reed character is gay but why actually say it? It's so much more fun when he wears a fake pencil mustache, acts over-the-top effeminate and says, as his alibi, that he was eating dinner with a man last night.... a reporter!.... he was doing a story.

Incidentally, watching the show now it seems all the "scariness" was just my childish imagination. It's not really "scary" at all but it is a fairly well written, interesting mystery show. Also, other things that were scary but enjoyable were the "Resident Evil" series, the movie "Arachnophobia" and "Clue".